The legend of the monkey paw wine
I think I’ve mostly pieced together everything that happened on Saturday night. And since there is evidently video, let me take this opportunity to point out what a brilliant, awesome wonderful person Alceste is. And he looks great without his glasses! Top notch.
Earlier that day I had been at the Verizon store getting acquainted with my new best friend, Malcolm. Afterward, my mother said she wanted to go to McDonald’s to try the new wrap they offer. I said I would wait in the car.
And I did…until I looked up and quite out of nowhere there appeared a liquor store. I was having a poker game that night and the only wine I had left was sparkling, so I figured I would pick up one or two bottles of regular. Because, as you already know, alcohol does not affect me like it affects regular people.
I am was special.
I was too arrogant, too smug.
I had angered Dionysus. (That, or I just saw Percy Jackson and the Lightning Bolt Thief.)
I don’t know much about wine, except that I generally only like white wine and the sweeter the better. I am also poor. Which led me to this exchange:
I pushed open the door, walked past a neatly stacked display of 3 liter bottles of “Semi sweet white wine,” for the low price of $11.99. I didn’t want any part of that. I looked around, but really, I didn’t know what I was looking for, so I asked the guy sitting on a black crate against the wall:
“Do you have any inexpensive sweet white wines.”
He stroked his beard, scraped his nails across the blackboard, cackled and said “yes, dearie. Right there,” pointing his shriveled hand and yellowed nails at the stack of wine. (What we’ve learned so far today is that Dawn’s idea of the worst villain imaginable is the witch from Snow White rolled up with that guy from Jaws. *shudder*)
I didn’t want to take it, but I also didn’t have a valid reason why I didn’t want to take it.
“Oh, it’s too cheap!”
“There’s too much of it!”
I mean, honestly!
So, I bought it. They also sold me something called “Brooklyn vodka,” because credit cards are not accepted for purchases of less than $20. But that’s not relevant. I leave the store and POOF it disappears in a swirl of sand and dust clouds. This was probably a bad a sign.
Anyway, I put the wine and the vodka in my freezer, drive to the Upper East to collect Petitedov and Peter, we get back home and then this happens:
We drink the wine. Not Peter, just me and Petitedov. At first, we’re like “this is not good.” Then we’re like “aww, this is okay.”
And then Petitedov was tweetjacking me and writing terrible things about Tom Brady and my muffins. I mean cupcakes, CUUUPPCAKKKES!
So, I’m outside grilling up a storm and everything is going swimmingly and then Alceste wouldn’t hand over his Chinese food, but he agreed to eat a hotdog with cheese, I accepted this compromise and then things start to get fuzzy.
Vinnay, who was dead to me and forgotten for bailing on my poker tournament was suddenly in my living room! What the hell?! I believe I actually poked him at one point to verify the realness. (In the chest. With my FINGER! GEEZ! You people! #Pervs!)
So then we sit down to play and I was timing the levels on my Droid and then Alceste, who is wise and good, remember, said “um…no, I think I’ll do it.”
Then there was evidently dancing and ranting and people accusing me of being drunk. But that was absurd, right? I mean, it was just WINE! I’ve done almost a whole bottle of Jameson’s standing on my head! I tried to deny their charges, but I couldn’t lift my head off the table, so I decided to tell my tale to Malcolm! He will believe me.
Malcolm is an asshole.
I don’t remember anything after that. Heck, I don’t even remember THAT! But evidently, I am an angry yelly drunk. Who knew? I always thought I’d be a friendly huggy drunk! Ah, who am I kidding! Angry/yelly is so me. I was reading my twitterfeed the next morning and apparently I didn’t feel good and Vinnay is a stupidface! Again, spot on!
In vino veritas!
And in evil monkey paw vino even more so.
I poured the remainder down the sink the next morning — with my one good arm and the one eye I could open…it opened up a swirling blue vortex in my sink. I jumped back and it sucked the bottle into it and exploded in a bright white light!
Take it from me kids, don’t drink evil monkey paw wine. Or do, but confiscate all smartphones first.
Also, er, we’d like to take this opportunity to dismiss all donut stealing charges against Peter. It was just a crazy misunderstanding between friends. Bygones should be bygones. *whistles*
July 19th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
1. I <3 this post.
2. I don't care who you are; cheap wine will *always* do you in. ALWAYS.
July 19th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
Soooo … you prefer *white* wine. Interesting …
July 19th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
NO! NO I DO NOT PREFER IT ANYMORE!
July 19th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
So, can I get you White Russian? A White Chocolate Martini? A White Grapefruit Margarita?
July 19th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
LOL. No, according to ear witness accounts, i do not like white russians either. #noshade
July 19th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
It was an amusing evening – I especially loved the rant about the turkey sandwich, something about not turning into a turkey yourself. Oh, and the bit about the zombie turkeys was pretty funny too.
July 19th, 2010 at 11:44 pm
WHAA— No. I don’t even wanna know. *backs away slowly*
July 20th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Oh man I left too early….I’m still bringing white wine next time, just good white wine. #memories
July 20th, 2010 at 8:35 am
Weak monkey reference.
And your mistake was not getting the GOOD cheap white wine. Do I have to tell you again about the boxed stuff? Not evil at all. No monkeys.
July 20th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Pdov What do you mean YOU left too early?! DO you not remember the ranting?? DUDE that wine is the DEBBIL!
July 20th, 2010 at 9:28 am
I don’t remember anything about turkeys.
Did Alceste show you the video?
July 20th, 2010 at 9:35 am
no
July 20th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Angela — there was nothing weak about that monkey paw!
July 20th, 2010 at 10:56 am
There was a supposed to be an entire monkey. Preferably a live one. And actually, I do believe the request was in the plural form.
July 20th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Alceste- Where is this video? The people of Earth must be informed.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Angela, Alceste cant hear you.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:12 am
I am suspicious of your sudden about-face on the doughnut incident. Did I leave something of value in your apartment?
July 20th, 2010 at 11:16 am
I believe, Peter, that Dawn is trying to buy your silence.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:22 am
The turkey rant went something like this:
“I’ll make a wish that can’t backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND I don’t want any zombie turkeys, I don’t want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don’t want any other weird surprises. You got it?”
Then after getting the sandwich and tasting it:
“Hey! Not bad… Nice, hot mustard… Good bread… The turkey’s a little dry… THE TURKEY’S A LITTLE DRY! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created thee!”
July 20th, 2010 at 11:38 am
I DID NOT WRITE THAT! Or…did I? Nope. I didn’t. Also, since it’s not in French, my alter ego didnt write it either. Everybody look at mary.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:45 am
I am in a Dawn Summers loop. It won’t let me log out. Help!
July 20th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Whew…that’s better. I was logged in to input my poetry Wednesday and it wouldn’t let me out. I was really frightened that I would have to spend the rest of my online life as Dawn Summers…
Anyway, yes, that was my comment about the turkey sandwich. And I swear you said that verbatim.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I don’t blame Dawn at all for that rant. Zombie turkeys are super scary.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:58 am
hhahaha I am in a Dawn Summers loop. It won’t let me log out. Help!
Welcome to my damn hell ass world. But I have not found the Mary button yet!
July 20th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Haha — the 5-min or so video remains on my phone. I tried to send it to Dawn, but the file was too big for e-mail. Although I have not reviewed it, I am pretty sure I (intentionally) did not catch Dawn’s worst moments — just a lot of “I’m not drunk” and “I hate you” every time someone at the table raised.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Alceste: Pretty please upload it to youtube! Even if there is no zombie turkey talk, it will still be entertaining for those of us who missed it (and those who wish to relive the insanity).
July 20th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Absolutely not. Alceste is wise and good. Unlike this “Angela” person.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
sorry, angela, I finally took a look, and I think I may have captured the 5 most boring minutes of the whole night – video has been deleted, and Dawn is safe (at least until she drinks too much white wine again)
July 20th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Hmmm, I have a feeling that a behind the scenes transaction just took place between Dawn and Alceste. I hope you were rewarded well, Alceste!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Waaaaiiittt a minute! So you are saying I wasn’t drunk AT ALL! That I did nothing wild and inappropriate and you deleted the exculpatory evidence?!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Alceste, I just tried to approve your request to follow me on twitter but when I followed the link, nothing was there!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Alceste deleted it! Like he deleted the proof of my innocence!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Dawn, I’m pretty sure that the ship of people thinking you weren’t drunk has sailed. It’s actually been lost in the Bermuda Triangle.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
INNOCENT MAAAAANN. They’re trying to do me like they did OJ!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Dawn – why am I a stupidface?
Mary – You haven’t logged out yet. You’re still Dawn. It’s a blog within a blog!
July 20th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Yeah because OJ was innocent too.
I just hope I never see Pdov behind the wheel of a white Bronco.
July 20th, 2010 at 1:55 pm
No Dawn, not saying you weren’t drunk, just that you were no longer beliggerently drunk and funny (except for the look on your face about a second after you turned to me and waved, “Hi Vinnay!”)
July 20th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. And there was waving?? *Of course, there was waving*
July 20th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
@vinnay did you or did you NOT take all my chips?
July 20th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
I don’t know if I got ALL your chips. Someone else must have gotten some of them too. Though I guess in the end they all ended up with me.
July 20th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
“I just hope I never see Pdov behind the wheel of a white Bronco.”
hahaha!
Oh there was LOTS of waving. Like tons.
July 20th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
If anyone ever tries to pull your black card, let them know that when you drink wine it’s white wine and “the sweeter the better”. What, were they out of rose?
July 20th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
hahahaah #blackfist
July 20th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Also, er, we’d like to take this opportunity to dismiss all donut stealing charges against Peter.
Let’s hope Peter didn’t take the soul-stealing donut.
July 20th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
hahahahah #nicereference