which is kinda like pulling a hamstring, but it’s not so much physically painful as costs money and makes your hand strike your forehead while your mouth says “D’oh.”
So, this story requires that I rewind a week and cross the country by 2000 miles. As you all know, some two years ago I got my awesome Liberace sneakers. I wore them. A lot. Everywhere. Then, about four months ago, I noticed the sole was peeling off. Plus, the pink hue was fading.
“Oh no! I have to get a new pair!” I exclaimed.
So, one of my “to do list” items for my Vegas trip was “get new pair of Liberace sneakers.” I wanted blue this time.
F-train volunteered to take me. He claimed it would be his birthday present to me (not the sneakers or the entrance fee, just his company to the museum…once again, the answer to today’s installment of ‘spot the Jew,’ the Catholic boy, F-train.) But I think mostly because “F-train in the Liberace museum” is the gay F-train joke that writes itself.
So, Saturday, I met up with my twitter buddy Zidonia, who lives in Vegas, Ftrain, This is Not April (lies, IT WAS TOTALLY APRIL) and the evil chocolate pudding pusher Jason for lunch and then the Liberace musuem. Well, they knew about the lunch, I knew about the musuem. They would find this out later. Like right around…”can we get the check, please? The Liberace musuem closes in half an hour!”
Sadly, by the time we got there, we were already too late. We pulled into the parking lot at quarter to five and the main museum was already closed. WORSE STILL…
“DAWN, THEY DON’T HAVE YOUR SNEAKERS ANYMORE,” F-train said all triumphantly.
I didn’t believe him.
I ran inside the gift shop, which was still open, to look for myself.
They were not where they were the last time.
“Excuse me,” I said desperately to the nice lady manning the counter, “where are the sneakers?”
“Which sneakers, dear?”
F-train chimes in “the horrible hideous Liberace sneakers!”
The woman behind the counter lifts up her leg and reveals the left foot of her black and silver pair of “hideous Liberace sneakers” on her feet.
F-train turned bright red. Assface.
“Yes! Those! Where are they?”
“They don’t make them anymore dear. I’m sorry.”
My sad crestfallen face must have made an impression though, because she then said “I know someone who might be able to help you.” She scribbled an aol address on a slip of paper and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled stuffing it into my purse.
Meanwhile, the rest of the horrible, evil people in the store with me, were walking around making comments like:
“How did everyone not KNOW this guy was gay?”
“Did he leave any money to AIDS research? Cause that’s what he died of!”
“What has gone wrong in my life that I have ended up in the Liberace museum”?
Jason took this photo:
Why does he hate Liberace’s confidence so much?! Haters! Except April who bought me Li-bear-ace to cheer me up: @thisisnotapril and @realdawnsummers matching Li-bear-aces! on Twitpic (He’s pretty cute, though he’s a little judgmental…don’t ask.)
Anyway, when I got back to New York, I found the little paper, but decided to try google first. Googling turned up an ebay auction, of these:
THEY WERE 99 cents! DUUUDE!!
I watched them for TWO days! Still $0.99.
So, I bid $2.
“You have the winning bid”! Mr ebay informed me. Ex-cell-ent!
Then, NOT ONE HOUR later, I was outbid! Now 2.50 was the leading bid. So, I bid $5. “Sorry, you’ve been outbid!”
Mind you, I had watched these things untouched FOR TWO DAYS! But suddenly, now I’m in a LOSING bidding WAR!
The whole thing smelled SO fishy! Like the seller was upping the price just so I couldn’t get them for the ridiculously low advertised price.
I couldn’t find any proof, so I angrily spent Saturday afternoon, driving the price up so that whoever this dummy bidder was would be stuck paying the highest price they bid for the shoes. And it woulda worked too, except…
“You are now the current high bidder.”
And then I sat and stared at the screen, hoping my nemesis would jump in there and outbid me again.
I waited. And waited.
Watched the World Cup finals.
Made dinner, went to sleep, woke up, showered, made breakfast, went to work, waited waited waited.
So…um…I own a new pair of Liberace sneakers.
And F-train still owes me a birthday present.