There’s an App for that
I’m driving down to AC with Mary.
It’s a beautiful sunny Sunday morning. There’s no traffic, the trees are leafy and a gentle breeze is blowing. If I hadn’t managed to get myself stacked twice in less than two hours, I would declare, that, indeed, twas the perfect day.
Anyway, Mary has finally cracked under the weight of peer pressure and joined twitter, so I was telling her about all my favorite tweeps.
“Oh, there’s this guy in Iowa, who, while his tastes in football suck salt lick, is really cool and says that he’ll take me on tractor ride and cow tipping if I come visit.”
Mary is disgusted.
“No. Don’t do that. Come on. It’s cruel. Ugh. I will lose all respect for you if you do that.”
I look at her.
“I will lose whatever little respect I have for you,” she corrects, laughing.
I shake my fist.
We sit silently for a few more minutes when the most awesome idea I’ve ever had pops into my head!
“Oh my gosh! How many hours ahead is Australia/New Zealand?”
“I think about 12…why,” she asks, “What’s going on in Australia?”
“Nothing, but I was thinking how awesome would it be if I could get my followers in Australia to wish me happy birthday at midnight Australia time and then one of my followers in California to wish me Happy Birthday at 11:59 pm! I would get like a 39 hour long twitter birthday going!”
Mary stares at me.
“What? Like you’ve never heard of planning a twitter birthday?! Hmph.”
She is still quiet.
“Yeah, how are my respect levels faring now?”
She laughs.
“I think I’m going to write an app for my phone. I’ll have to measure it in millimeters though or it’ll get down to zero too fast.”
Hate. Her. And her stupid fancy new judging me Evo.
June 13th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
No cow tipping? Fine! We’ll just play poker after eating dinner at the Big Steer or Rube’s Steakhouse. If you really want the farm experience, I can line you up a tour of a pig or cattle feedlot. It will smell about like the Sahara poker room at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday with a bunch of drunk, unshowered d-bags.
When is your real birthday?
June 13th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
July 8th. Though the entire season is real.
June 13th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
City folk crack me up. Mary thinks its “cruel” to tip a cow, but she waives her “cruelty” objection to make her bacon, cuz she does not have to think about it and it shows up in a neat little package? Either animals are there for slaughter or not. Ain’t no in between. On gettin’ to the bacon:
… pigs are first rendered unconscious using one of the following means: stunning using electric current applied with electrodes, or stunning using captive bolt pistol, or inhalation of CO2. They are then hoisted on a rail, after which they are exsanguinated, usually via the carotid artery and the jugular vein. After the blood is gone, the carcass is drenched in hot water in a device called a pig scalder which helps in the removal of hair, which is subsequently completed by using scissor-like devices and then if necessary with a torch.
The pig is then eviscerated, the head is usually removed, and the body is cut into two halves. The remaining halves are washed to remove any remaining blood, bacteria or remains of bone, and then cooled down in order to help with the process of cutting and deboning.
June 13th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
I probably wouldnt tip cows because I would be too busy running and screaming in fear of getting my face eaten.
June 13th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Wait, did I say “fear”? I mean respect. I respect the cow. I am NOT scared! I could so take that cow!