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Where does the good go

Worst dates ever!

Is it inane comments Friday? Are there still inane comments Fridays? Well, if there are and if this is one, I thought this would be the perfect subject: Bad dates. Like so bad, they’re awesome for those of us who blog because well, then we’s got something to blog about! I was reading Sistertoldja’s account of one such date:

It turned out that these were Steve’s high school friends. Everyone was very friendly, but the girl who lived there had two dogs. One was kinda medium, the other was really big. Of, course these mutts run up on me as soon as I walked in the door. And, as a stranger, I couldn’t just kick the shit out of the big one and dare the smaller one to test me. I couldn’t yell out “who the FUCK has these two dogs in a one bedroom apartment?” I could only be calm and quiet, and listen to the stories about how the dogs have gotten high before. Weed-smoking dogs. That’s hot. Can I leave now?

It was obvious that I didn’t like dogs, so the owner felt bad. Then I felt bad for making her feel bad in her own house, so I reached out and petted the little one’s head like “oh, he’s pretty”. But, I did it with the fakest smile ever and used about three fingertips. Imagine when Strom Thurmond met his Black daughter. It was like that.

I highly recommend the whole piece because it made me laugh and made me want to share my own hilarious bad date story from back in the day when I had a relationship blog. Shut up. I blog. It’s what I do.
And one more word outta you and I will so blog you right in the head!
Hmph.
Okay, then. Here’s the story in all it’s awesomely bad date glory:

I met Mark online. It was all ordinary enough. We chatted via email for a few weeks, he met all of my superficial criteria: college degree, never married, no kids, good sense of humor, employed. So, when he suggested we meet up, I agreed. I thought Mark lived in Brooklyn and by thought, I mean Mark had said on numerous occasions that he lived *in Brooklyn,* so, I suggested two of my favorite places *in Brooklyn.* Because um…we BOTH LIVE IN BROOKLYN.
However, Mark countered that he’d be coming in from Long Island, so he couldn’t do anywhere deep in Brooklyn and suggested we meet downtown, near the LIRR.
Hmm.
Now, I wasn’t particularly excited about this locale shift because I like driving and downtown Brooklyn is a parking graveyard. Or a blackhole. But, there are enough busses and subways to the area that it wouldn’t kill me to public transportation it. Probably.
So, we agree to meet up at 6 pm at the corner of Downtown and Brooklyn. I arrived early, around five thirty because I decided to take the bus the whole way and had grossly overestimated how long it would take to get there.
I decided to walk around a bit and was struck by an alarming reality.
The corner of Downtown and Brooklyn — and all surrounding blocks actually — predominately consisted of retail stores. There was no a bar or restaurant as far as my eye could see.
Hmm.
I killed some time chatting with my friend as she was in the process of wrecking a tricky dinner recipe at home before walking to the agreed upon corner at about ten to.
It was chilly for June, and I regretted not bringing a jacket. A few more minutes loitering on the corner, and I came to regret my lack of a jacket even more.
Directly behind me was a Lane Bryant store, with a mannequin in the window wearing PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY what I had on! And I’ll be damned if that bitch didn’t look better in it!
(A few years ago, my friend Lola and I went into an Ann Klein and we discovered that the stores basically paste clothes to the mannequins and then pin them shut in ways no human being would ever do, except in movies about the future where everyone is wearing form fitting jumpsuits.)
It was six o’ clock now and I didn’t have very many options. Though I did contemplate running inside Lane Bryant and knocking the mannequin over. Or, you know, buying a sweater. One of those things.
By 6:15 I no longer cared about competing with the mannequin in the store for fatty fat fatsos. Where was this dude?
My feet hurt and I knew we’d have to walk someplace because there was no place to sit down in the vicinity.
I missed my car! I could so be sitting down listening to my ipod right about now.
At 6:30, I headed for the nearest busstop and took my public limosine home.
About 30 minutes later, I get a text from Mark asking if I’m “still there.” I laughed, out loud, and hit delete.
I got home to a flood of apologetic emails about work and the trains and hoping that I’m not mad.
I ignored these emails.
A couple of days later, I got in a huge fight with a friend of mine, at the end of which he said that I never forgive anyone for anything and I would die alone and ugly. I sort of laughed it off, blocked all the exits in his house and set it on fire. So it was that Mark happens to text me again on my way back from that funeral, where I convincingly wailed “OH! How could anyone could do such a thing”?! (I’m totally kidding. No one was convinced. My trial’s next week.)
Fine! I’ll show you who’s unforgiving and will die alone!
I agree to meet up with Mark the following week, at the same corner. This time I drove and wore non Lane Bryant clothes.
However, I left no kinds of early.
We were slated to meet at 6. At 5:45 I get a text from Mark saying “I’m here.”
Awesome.
At 5:47 he texts again “where are you”?
And again at 5:48.
Dude.
At a red light, I text that I’m close, but can’t text because I’m driving. I end with “I will be there by six.”
You know, SIX, the time we’re supposed to meet.
He texts “ok.”
As I’m pulling into a parking garage, six minutes later, I get another text
“Where are you.”
Oh. My. God.
I get to the appointed corner, we exchange greetings, he makes some crack about “girls always have to be fashionably late, huh?”
I smile, but do not respond.
I very cheerily say “So where are we going? The last time I was here, there wasn’t anyplace to eat open.”
“Oh, I figured we could get coffee.”
“Okay, where?”
We start walking up the block and he stops suddenly and peeks into a store window. There was scaffolding on the front, but I recognized the pastel coloring right away.
“Oh good! It’s open,” he says holding open the door to the Dunkin’ Donuts.
Now, I should mention that I don’t mind fast food restaurants AT ALL. In fact, I once used to tell the story about how I’ve had Burger King in every country I’ve visited, until I realized that might make Americans look bad. (But it’s true. I have. Even in China.) So, that Mark half-planned a date at Dunkin Donuts (what was his plan if it was closed?) wasn’t really an issue per se…though I would not have worn heels.
So we’re in there chatting, when I discover that his “consultant job” is much more “consultant” than “job” AND “his” Long Island place is much more “his dad’s Long Island place.”
The store is pretty empty. We’re sitting at a table in the corner, but we haven’t *purchased* anything. I feel the eyes of the clerks on us and I say, with a smile, “we should probably get something.”
“Naw. We alright.”
“Ok, well, I’ll probably get a bottle of water or something.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I get up and ask “Do you want anything?”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll get a hot chocolate. No whip cream though.”
Uh huh.
I walk to the register. I grab a bottle of water and order the chocolate when he shouts out at me:
“What kind of donuts they got?”
I ignore this question. It’s a donut shop. My guess? Lots of kinds.
I pay for the drinks and wait for the clerk to hand me the hot chocolate.
I walk back to the table, silently planning my escape strategy.
“Hey, I was asking about the donuts. But I guess you didn’t hear me.”
“Oh, you were? Yeah, no. I didn’t hear that.”
Oh, I *totally* heard that.
We then somehow get into a conversation about the Democratic primary. I’m African-American, but I’m supporting HIllary Clinton in the race. Mark got real quiet when I said this and remarks:
“Professional black women never want to help out a brother. Here you are with a law school degree and you’ve got a black man who’s a lawyer too and you can’t support him?”
Hmm.
I did NOT take this opportunity to point out my support of a certain “brother” who was slurping on the ghezest beverage known to man and has, as yet, not reached into his pocket to give me any money.
“I want the Democrats to win. I think Hillary is our best chance for that,” I say. “And she’s a lawyer too,” I add.
He starts giving me statistics about something or another, but I had stopped paying attention. I was done with my water and I was ready to execute my plan.
I looked at my watch. High school acting skills ACTIVATE!
“Oh no! I didn’t realize it was so late!”
(It was 6:45)
“My friend’s band is playing tonight. I’ve got to run. It was so nice meeting you.”
He seemed startled. Like he thought this date was going well.
“Oh, really? Um…you gotta go now?”
“Yeah, I’m afraid so.”
I’ve stood up, collected my empty bottle and my book.
“Hey, you drove right? Can you give me a lift to the station?”
Without missing a beat — and really, THIS is my FAVORITE part of the story, I say:
“No, sorry, I’m going in the other direction!”
HAHAHAHA The best thing about heading off to an imaginary event, it can be in whatever imaginary direction I needed it to be. And THIS one was going to be in the opposite direction of WHEREVER his station was.
“Okay, no problem. Nice meeting you, Dawn,” he leans in to kiss me and I’m just like DUDE.
I make my way back to the garage and there’s ALREADY a text from Mark on my phone.
“Hope you have a good time at the concert! Talk to you later.”
Uh huh.
I changed his name in my contacts from “Mark” to “GOT to be kidding me.”
For about a month, I got to chuckle and nod knowingly whenever my Treo would utter the sentiment:
Got to be kidding me.
I KNOW, right?!
Word.

25 Responses to “Worst dates ever!”

  1. Eric Says:

    Hahahahaha. That’s funny. How does a guy like that ever get a second date? Was he really good looking or… something?

  2. DRobbSki Says:

    No, but really, what kind of donuts did they have? Do they stock all those lame “spring showers” or “winter flurries” (chocolate glazed with seasonal shape sprinkles) or the usual glazed, boston creme, etc.? And did you know that if you reload a DD card using AMEX you get bonus bucks? You know, like the DC Metro used to give you an extra $2 on your fare card for reloading with a $20, back before they had no money and had to start hiking rates more often than the post office? (Seriously great story by the way)

  3. Jamie Says:

    You must really hate money, because collecting these stories into “Dawnenfreude”, the best book ever written, should be your mission in life. You’d be chilling on Oprah, chatting it up on the View and verbally bitch slapping Stephen Colbert.

    Oh yeah, and what’s the problem you have with divorced guys who don’t have kids again? Jus’ wonderin’….

  4. Mary Says:

    hahaha – blind date horror stories, always good for a laugh.

  5. Angela Says:

    You wore heels???

    And yes, inane comments Friday is still a thing.

    I’m currently on my last work trip for this job (I got a new one, start in two weeks, yay!). Today we toured two jail facilities. The inmates were pretty tame. The most exciting thing that happened was that my boss was walking up stairs directly in front of me, started to fall backwards (which would have created a fucked up domino effect with about eight of us) so I pushed out my arms and basically shoved him up the stairs. Good times.

  6. Astin Says:

    Burger King in China? The KFC there is sooo much better (had that in Badaling by the Great Wall). The BK on the Champs-Elysees isn’t bad though.

    But Dunkin and NOT getting anything? And then having you pay for something? Dude could have at least walked 100 blocks into bad neighborhoods to cash in a free drink card!

  7. F-Train Says:

    I have to cop to stopping off at McDonald’s on two separate trips to Macau. BUT, in my defense, it was not my choice. I simply acquiesced to the will of the people I was with (peer pressure FTL).

  8. F-Train Says:

    And by the way, I agree with your friend that an inability to forgive is a hindrance to an emotionally healthy relationship. Nobody is perfect. Everyone, at times, will do things that are unintentionally upsetting. If you can’t “forgive and forget”, if you hold onto all of the negativity from each incident as it happens, the relationship will start to deteriorate. Eventually the load will become back-breaking what could have been an otherwise awesome relationship will go sour.

    If you can’t forgive and forget you are in for a lonely — and probably unhappy — life.

  9. Herkimer Says:

    Thanks for posting this; just found your blog searching around. Keep up the good work!

  10. dawn Says:

    First, As lonely as being alone may be, it’s twice as lonely being with someone who makes you unhappy.

    Second,

    I now have to set your house on fire. My schedule is pretty tight for the next couple of months, but May looks good.

  11. CGHill Says:

    I just want to state for the record that I have never used the name “Mark.”

  12. F-Train Says:

    The point is that *everyone* is going to “make you unhappy” at times. Obviously if they *always* make you unhappy, that’s different. But nobody is perfect and even when you have perfect communication and understanding between people, things are still going to happen that will “make you unhappy”. If you don’t accept that, if you can’t come to grips with that and forgive and forget (especially when those things happen unintentionally) then you can’t have an emotionally healthy relationship.

    If you’re going to set my house on fire, can you least let me know in advance so I can rescue my cat?

  13. Samuel F. Reynolds Says:

    First off, F-Train, I think forgiveness as you’re talking about it in this context is horribly overrated. I think it was Dawn’s fear that her friend might be right that drove her to the second date. But I think she was completely right in rejecting the brother the first time. In situations with strangers involving your heart, I don’t think you need to give too many chances to prove that a potential dating partner is either foolish or fiendish. Luckily, “Got to be kidding me” was of the foolish, woefully clueless variety. But Dawn was right to deduce the first time that he showed no flava when he delivered mixed messages about where he lived and then to pick a place that obviously didn’t convey any sense of style or panache. She ignored the signs at her peril. (First sign, the mannequin, dressed as you, was telling you, Dawn, that you were being a “dummy.” Life will talk to you, if you listen. LOL!)

    And then she goes out with the brother and he turns out to be much like many other triflin’ brothers I’ve been hearing about! I would feel bad about taking my girlfriend to Dunkin Donuts, much less a first date. And then not even to offer to pay for WATER? I think she showed remarkable kindness in even walking back to the table. If I were with a first date and she insisted we go to Dunkin Donuts over a nice cafe or dinner or even Starbucks, I would walk her there and say that I had to go. If she asked why, I would tell her the truth: No woman who made an inferior choice when presented with superior ones FOR FREE can do anything for me. It’s a value judgment, I know, but I wouldn’t care because it’s my time.

    Of course, the question of forgiveness with her friend is a different matter and a personal one. But to presuppose that she needed to forgive someone who clearly demonstrated being a shitshow on a first date is the kind of ish that brothers and sisters put on each other without logic or conviction. He could have had grace at 15 minutes, when he was late the first time. At 30 minutes or more, he had earned her eternal silence. And I’m saying this as a man who dates women.

    Dawn, keep your standards and pay attention to the signs around you. I believe the lesson from the argument with your friend was not to be afraid of your standards and their consequences. It was a call to receive the conviction of your standards, not give in to the fear that you should lower them. If the Cosmos had been attempting to teach you a different lesson, it would have offered a different result. My two cents.

    Samuel

  14. Dawn Summers Says:

    OMG Samuel, you are BRILLIANT! The universe WAS calling me a dummy!! LOL! And yes, I think the lesson I learned was that my friend was right, there will be consequences for my standards, but as you said, these are consequences I am prepared to live with.

    Ftrain: the cat is toast.

  15. F-Train Says:

    I’m talking about relationships with people you care about. Not about some random stranger you met once.

  16. Fisch Says:

    I too agree with the friend that said that stuff.

    And I’d never trust a comment from a guy who signs his name on bottom when his name is already on the top. I can’t imagine how proud you’d have to be of your comment to sign your name again at the bottom.

    -Fisch

  17. dustbury.com » You perhaps suspected as much Says:

    […] The artist currently known as Dawn Summers reveals a deep, dark secret about women’s-wear stor… A few years ago, my friend Lola and I went into an Anne Klein and we discovered that the stores basically paste clothes to the mannequins and then pin them shut in ways no human being would ever do, except in movies about the future where everyone is wearing form fitting jumpsuits. […]

  18. Samuel F. Reynolds Says:

    Fisch,

    It’s just habit. Cultivate more trust in your life. Otherwise, the game could go both ways. How can one trust a guy who signs his name Fisch?

    Here’s to breaking habits.

  19. Pearatty Says:

    I agree with Jamie and Samuel.

    And definitely no need to forgive someone for sketchy behaviour on the first few dates. That’s the time when people are putting their VERY BEST behaviour out there. If he can’t manage to act decently for two hours, it’s only going to get worse.

    Chronic lateness is a sign of poor character. The guy was testing you to see how much crap you’d put up with. If you’d gone with it, he’d have found his dream girl.

  20. Michael Bates Says:

    You had a relationship blog? How’d I miss this? I’ll bet it was classic.

  21. Dawn Summers Says:

    It was hilarity. But when it primarily became about one person, I felt guilty. Maybe I’ll periodically repost some more stuff from there, over here.

  22. Pdov Says:

    I’m with Michael, you were totally holding about the relationship blog! I want more!

  23. Drizztdj Says:

    I read this and want a frosted crossiant like right now. Hot chocolate only if its half off :)

  24. Jordan Says:

    Awesome story, even if I did get to it a little late.

  25. Eric Gonchar Says:

    Eric Gonchar

    Clareified » Blog Archive » Worst dates ever!

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