Clareified

Where does the good go

Failing Awesomely!

It’s been awhile since we did a round of “you know how I know I fail at life”/”It’s not easy being this awesome. So we’ll close out the aughts with a combo platter for $1.99!
Not literally, sillies.
A few weeks ago I’m walking to my office building after having left my car in the garage. It’s freezing and it’s Newark, so I’m walking briskly and my head is down. I am about to make a dash across the street, when my eye spies one of those punchcards for Dunkin’ Donuts! You know the kind, buy nine drinks, get your card punched each time and the last drink is free. There are already four punches in it and I get Dunkin’ Donuts coffee every morning! This moment brought to you by the letter W, for win!
I picked up the ticket, went to the Dunkin’ Donuts down the block and got my “medium skim vanilla latte, two pumps vanilla extra hot” and got the card punched. For the next two days, I did the same thing.
Then, I realized I would have to stop driving to work or stop buying lunch. Parking fees plus tolls plus lunch equal cost ineffective.
My first day taking the trains went swimmingly! There was even a Dunkin Donuts in the Path train station! I ordered me up my “medium skim vanilla latte, two pumps vanilla extra hot” and gave the guy my ticket.
“Sorry, we don’t take this. You have to go to location on card.”
I pouted and looked at the card. Indeed, there were two addresses written on the back 1116 Broad Street and 441 Court Street.
Grr.
I gave the stupid man a credit card to pay for my coffee.
The next day, I walked right past mister hoity toity we don’t serve your kind here and went back to my old Dunkin’ Donuts up the block.
Punch.
I was one away from free!
The next day, I’m standing on line waiting to order, when I notice I am on Halsey street. This is neither Broad nor Court! Dude!
I didn’t sweat it though. This place had been punching my card for a week. Why should I worry now about addresses?
Sure enough, I got my “medium skim vanilla latte, two pumps vanilla extra hot” and the lady punched the ninth hole!
Monday morning my beverage would be free!
Ahem.
Except, as you know from your in depth reading of prior posts, there was to be no Monday.
I had bought all these damn lattes FOR NOTHING!
Why, God, WHYYYY?
Lo and behold I got a call from the manager a couple of days ago, asking if I could come back for a few days.
Um. Hell yeah.
FREE!! FOR ME!
I was so excited, I totally forgot that it would mean waking up early and going back to Jersey!
I took the train, walked past hoity toity and went back to my old spot. I eagerly said “Give me a large skim vanilla coffee.” That’s right! The ticket said nothing about the size of my free beverage, suckahs!
“Sorry, we do not give you free coffee. We will punch it, but not here for free.”
“What?”
“You go to store on card. On card.” She repeated, pointing.
Mother%#&.
Fine.
I give her my credit card.
She hands me a large cup.
That was uncharacteristically fast. AND not the usual cup.
“That’s my latte?”
“You no say latte. You say vanilla coffee.”
Arrrggghhhhhhhh.
A line is growing behind me.
“Just cancel everything.”
She stares at me blankly.
The manager comes over.
“We give you latte. One dollar more.”
My level of pissivity is climbing by the second.
Fine.
I pull out a dollar.
He says “$1.20.”
What!?!!
Five minutes, $3.00 and six more ounces of skim latte than I could ever hope to drink, I’m trudging back to my office in extreme defeat. As I head for the front desk, I notice that the building is on Broad street! Just like the card. My building is in the 700s, so I assume four blocks away, I will find the Dunkin’ Donuts in the thousands. At lunch, I clock out and head downstairs. I ask the guard which way the thousands are? He says left.
Okay. Left we will go.
You’ve conned the wrong girl who found your free punchcard in the street Mister Dunkin’ Donut man!
So now here’s where I should tell you that Newark’s not the safest place around. My second or third day here, this dude is all “Can I have a dollar? Can I have a dollar?”
And when I said “Sorry.”
He goes “You know, I coulda just robbed you.”
Um. Er. Okay. Thanks for not robbing me then…I guess?
That was at 2 o’clock in the *afternoon*.
I kept my hands in my pockets and walked briskly. 800. 810. 840.
Cross the street.
860.
What the hell?! The numbers are going sequentially by TENS??? NOT a HUNDRED!
So the thousands are God knows how far from here?
I kept walking. Stores gave way to empty lots. Oh, there’s a church!
What are you doing Dawn? You’re only up to 920! You’ve got to get back! You don’t even *want* any more coffee today!
Shut up! Leave me alone!
It’s free! They’re trying to scam me!
As I’m crossing this huge four lane avenue, I notice a Dunkin’ Donuts sign with a “Open 24 hours” note with a bright red arrow pointing left.
Court street.
The other address on the card! I peer down the street and I see that the Dunkin Donuts is in a mini strip mall about ten feet away! Nuts to the eleven hundreds!
I walk in, the place is packed with, um, men at tables nursing cups of coffee.
I hand the woman my punchcard triumphantly.
Like, seriously, I was all “Here you go, lady at the Court street Dunkin’ Donuts! You thought I wouldn’t find you, that I would give up, but I did! And I didn’t. So suck it and give me my large FREE beverage.”
Meanwhile, she’s just staring at me like “lady, what do you want? I don’t have all day…well, actually, I do. Take your time. Suit yourself. I don’t care.”
I had no idea what I wanted, so I looked at the pictures and ordered a strawberry coolatta, which looks like a strawberry daiquiri.
LARGE.
Jerks.
About three minutes later she handed me a tub sized plastic cup filled with red slush.
I took a picture.
IMG00596.jpg on Twitpic
That, my friends, is what victory looks like.
Um, and victory kinda tastes like cough syrup with sugar and ice.
I took a few sips and tossed it.
But it was the principle, dammit, the principle!

21 Responses to “Failing Awesomely!”

  1. StB Says:

    Stealing Seinfeld plots now? Really?

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    Which Seinfeld plot?

  3. Astin Says:

    Combine principles and a nickel, and you’ll have five whole cents!

    Way to… umm… win?

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    Thank you, thank you *bows*

  5. Alceste Says:

    You walked a mile in Newark past the Prudential Center, out of the commercial district and into the, um, not-so-commercial part for a free $4.00 coffee drink? Cost-benefit fail!

  6. Dawn Summers Says:

    Shut it!

  7. Pdov Says:

    You got exercise! Increased heartbeat from the not so safe neighborhood, and feeling of satisfaction without the sugar of that gross thing. Why didn’t order another coffee again? Plus how would you write a funny post otherwise? Verdict: win.

  8. Jake Says:

    So you fell for the four punches in a lost card trick?

  9. Dawn Summers Says:

    Hahahahahaahah Jake wins.

  10. Fisch Says:

    Maybe he meant this episode
    “Elaine’s quest to become a “Submarine Captain” at a local shop in order to get a free submarine sandwich and a captain’s hat is crushed when she realizes she used her punch card at the party to give her fake number to the denim vested guy.”
    But I don’t really see any comparison. It’s like you’re copying the dictionary too because you’re using words from it.
    That story was a win. But if you had died there would have been no stories.

    Maybe where you work it was “a dollar/coulda robbed you” but on your walk into the twilight zone that could turn into “a kidney/couldve raped and killed you” Be careful!

  11. BWoP Says:

    Say it with me, folks.

    DAWN-EN-FREUDE

  12. elana Says:

    Dawnenfreude is the phrase of the 2010s. No doubt.

  13. Tae Says:

    Oh, nevermind. Inane comments Wednesday is over here.

  14. Tae Says:

    I think Pdov makes a good point.

  15. Tarpie Says:

    I found this site on the internet (http://maps.google.com/) that will give you directions to any address you put into it. Of course, walking around Newark is a better plot device.

  16. Michael Bates Says:

    This is classic Clareified: Determined but disoriented wandering through unpleasant parts of New Jersey. (Forgive the redundancy.)

  17. Dawn Summers Says:

    Hahaha yes “classic”! :)

  18. Ugarles Says:

    I think the best part of this is that there is a Dunkin Donuts franchisee who will steal his fellow franchisee’s paid business, punch their cards, and then sends them to the store on the card if they want free shit.

  19. Dawn Summers Says:

    I was actually surprised that there was a franchisee who *wouldn’t*! Like what was that dude’s problem?

  20. Cp Says:

    Great Post. I discovered you a few years(?) ago when you wrote a hilarious post about not trusting Karol (I think it was). There are a few bloggers that I treasure because they make me laugh out loud. That might not seem like such a rare thing but it is for me. ANYWAY, just wanted to say I appreciate you very much. We may not have a whole lot in common, but as everyday people coping with life, when you write you sound familiar, like my own voice (thoughts) in my head. (Hope that makes sense… it’s hard to explain.) And I don’t think I could even write the way I think… but (generally) you do. So, just thought I’d like to say keep up the good work because you’re probably a boon to many that you’ll never know.

  21. Dawn Summers Says:

    Aww, thanks so much!

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