Clareified

Ever since I started drinking coffee, I have realized that there are many many many variations to a cup of joe. And me, being me, of those many many many variations there is only ONE that doesn’t make me gag and throw away four dollars in a cup. During the course of the year, I have learned to clearly articulate “Medium skim latte, two pumps of vanilla.”
This would often draw the following question: Sugar?
Dude, I told you exactly how many squirts of vanilla syrup I want, do you think I forgot to mention sugar?
No.
Once a dude brought me that shit in a clear cup filled with ice.
WTF? Did I SAY ICE???
Not gonna lie, it drove me nutz. So NOW I say, VERBATIM,:

Medium skim latte, two pumps of vanilla. Extra hot, NO sugar.

Just like that. EVERY TIME.
And today I get:

“Do you mean caramel?”
*Blinks*
“No.”
“Sugar?”
Are you KIDDING ME?
Seriously, if I could have jumped across the counter and bashed her head in without going to jail, I would have. And you just KNOW the media would paint ME as the crazy one!
Damn racist media out to get me and Tiger.

NBA Announcers upset Iranians?

Eyeroll.

If you have an amazon wish list, can you put a link to it in the comment section to this post. If you don’t have an amazon wish list, can you create one and then put a link to it in the comment section to this post. I seriously have ZERO ideas and stress gives me wrinkles. Foschel, while I would get you some semblance of your dignity and/or credibility back, amazon just doesn’t stock them. You’ll have to settle for The Rocker DVD. You’re welcome.

Riding a motorcycle or flying in a helicopter?

I do TOO still blog!

A good friend will pick you up when you fall; but a best friend will help you up, laugh and trip you again.

A good friend will bail you out of jail —> while a best friend will be right beside you goin’ “that was freakin awesome!”

I tried to find a poem about Thanksgiving. Okay, by “tried” I mean I googled the phrase and posted a tweet requesting leads. While Chilly, Julius Goat and CK offered the best a man can get, (Gillette: the official razor of Clareified.com) none were quite poetry Wednesday ready.

So, I decided to go with a poem about friendship. Because ultimately that’s what this holiday is about, right? The Pilgrims and the Indians becoming friends and eating pie?

Did you guys know that I was in the Girl Scouts? I was. From Brownie through Juniors. Hand to God, I can still sing the Brownie song and while it’s not as adorable as when I was missing my two front teeth, it’s still pretty gosh darned adorable! And next time you see me, I will sing it for you if you ask. You’re welcome. OMG! Maybe I should video it…ok…dang, my hair’s a mess. If my hair wasn’t a mess, I so would. Maybe I’ll put on a hat. (Dear Dawn, this post has gotten away from you. Get it together. Love, Dawn) Right, focus. Everything is not about me and how adorable I can be.
Anyway, I’ve only really retained three things from my girl scouting days: that song, the motto (prepared, always be) and this poem:

I googled it, looks like the author is unknown.

The Miracle of Friendship
by Anonymous

There is a Miracle called Friendship
that dwells within the heart
and you don’t know how it happens
or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you
always gives a special lift
and you realize that
Friendship
is God’s most precious gift.

Shut up. You’re lame. And now I won’t sing my adorable song for you. Hmph.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I think you’ll like this site.

I am on all these e-mail list-servs (don’t ask) and there regularly appear these emails which read, in relevant part, “a dear friend needs a sublet in Seattle” or “a dear friend is looking for an internship,” or “a dear friend’s SamTimer clock fell into the pool.”

The construct of the phrase “Dear friend,” always strikes me as odd…like one of those conventions we use to be polite like “God bless her/him.” Dear friend suggests a frumpy, borderline retarded social misfit who likely picks his or her nose and may or may not consume the findings from said excavation.

Do other people think this? Or is this dear friend thing perfectly normal and everyone has dear friends?

Cause if it is normal, then I have dear friends too. Lots of them. And they’re real and everyone can see them.

Stay away from me with your needles and white coats with extremely long sleeves.

You’ll never take me alive!

-Your dear friend Dawn.

Glenn Beck wants America to be more Chinese.