“Damn girl, you got money on the game?”
I was screaming my head off in an almost empty poker room at Bally’s when Tom Brady drilled his second TD pass to Ben Watson in under three minutes.
“Nah, I’m just a fan.”
Ha! I was decked out in my personalized Pats jersey, which I was wearing over my Patriots T-shirt. When it’s game day, I bring it New England style!
Unfortunately, business meant that I would be on the road to the office, instead of on my couch or at a bar by kickoff. Alceste told me I could probably find the game on AM radio. Sure enough, as soon as I flipped the dial to AM the announcers were calling the game. My heart stopped when they said “Brady looks hurt.” Fuck! Then they said something about Kansas City and Mary pointed out that it was only 7:02 -not time enough for anything to really have happened yet. Sure enough, it was just a replay of last year’s season opener. No need to wrap my car around a tree.
That would come later.
When the Riots couldn’t get a first down in Buffalo terrority. When Gostkowski missed the field goal. When Buffalo scored first! Ugh. Alack! Wail!
It was dark on the Garden State and the orange glow of the display on the radio console was giving the night an eery feeling.
“I wish I hadn’t found this stupid radio station,” I complained bitterly.
“Listening to football games in the car reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would put them on in the car on Sundays,” Mary said.
Oh, so happy for you and your having a dad as a child having ways! Do you not hear the Patriots losing, woman???!!!!
Of course, in case she couldn’t hear the broadcast, she could hear my phone buzzing with texts from Vinnay after every New England disaster.
I pulled over at a resstop and began to reply to him.
“Go to hell.”
“Aren’t you a Cowboys fan now, you stupid jerkface?”
A few moments after we got back on the road, Buffalo got a pick six and the Bills were in the lead again.
I turned off my phone. The Patriots couldn’t respond and we had to settle for a field goal. Buffalo took the lead into halfttime.
I turned off the radio and glumly finished the ride in Atlantic City.
The players were back on the field by the time Mary and I got to the hotel checkin.
“What the hell are they wearing??” I screamed at the TV, horrified by the scarlet red uniforms. They reminded me of the goat sucking Hahvard Cantab uniforms. Sure enough, it was some bullshit throwback to New England’s stint as the Boston Patriots. Vomit.
As I watched a couple of plays, I would accidentally root for the Bills because their uniforms looked more like the traditional Pats gear.
Time for poker.
As I walked to the room in my jersey, a couple of black dudes were like “you’re a Pats fan? They’re not doing so good right now!”
Seriously, I don’t think people realize how personally I take my football.
I didn’t bother asking what teams they rooted for.
I got to the poker room in time to see the Bills score AGAIN. Ugh.
It was grim.
By the fourth quarter I needed something good to happen. I was slumped in a chair, now taking text abuse from Doris as well. (I guess he knows his Jets don’t stand a chance, so might as well latch onto the Bills’ luckbox victory.)
By the time I watched the Bills come back from 3rd and 15 after a SACK to get a first down AND score a Touchdown I was ready to open a vein.
5 minutes left. Down 11. This. Game. Was. Over.
I also picked the Patriots in my suicide pool, so I would be out of that too. FIRST! Even before G-train! And he’s gay! (That was inappropriate. I’m turning myself into that website now.)
I cry. I started my ‘shut the hell up’ blog post.
Then Brady hit Watson, and we pulled within 5.
“Big fucking deal, Tom! TOO LATE!” I yelled at the TV. And then the Pats fucked up the two point conversion.
Greeeaatt. No Gostkowski points either.
I. Was. Pissed.
I looked away and then heard the television announcers verbally wet their pants with excitement.
“New England came up with it! New England’s got it!”
I looked back.
The red uniforms were furiously pointing their arms toward the Buffalo red zone.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!
I fell out of my chair.
(Dawn is NOT making that up.)
Brady was back on the field!!! My phone was suddenly silent.
I made my bargains with the Almighty.
Boom! Brady to Watson! TD!
I sat quitely waiting out the clock.
No premature gloating texts.
And then the beautiful F appeared.
Patriots: 25 Bills: 24 F.
Football is AWESOME.
A friend has gotten us tickets to go to the game at Giants stadium on Sunday.
I will be the girl wearing Patriots gear from head to toe screaming “I love you Tom!”
Also, um, what’s the best treatment for black eyes?
“Damn girl, you got money on the game?”