Clareified

Where does the good go

Twitter

I know I said I would do a “tweets of the week” feature so that you could see my genius without having to join twitter.
But, um, it turns out, boy do I have A TON of genius. I mean, how could I even begin to choose which of my incredibly awesome tweetage to repost here. I’d only end up posting all of it and (um, truth be told) there’s A LOT of it.
Like for instance, last night, I’m playing in this online tournament and the online poker site allows you to chat with the other players at the table; except, one time a couple of years ago I jokingly wrote “you should give a nigga some notice before you raise,” to a guy in the chat.
Someone reported it (I guess) and my chat privileges were taken away because I was racist. (I could get them back by writing an email to the site and promising I won’t be racist anymore, but I’m not that good of a liar.)
Anyway, so I’m playing in this game and since I can’t use the chat, I used twitter to chat, which is pretty funny when everyone else is trying to talk to you via the game and you’re all answering them via twitter, but you can’t tell them that’s where you’re answering them because you can’t talk via the game. I asked CK to tell everyone I was answering them on twitter but she tweeted back “I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.” (What she didn’t know is that is actually what I wanted her to tweet. Sucka.)
So the people in the game just think I’m a bitch who doesn’t respond. (A few weeks ago I decided that if I ever got a T-shirt made for myself it would say “I’m not a bitch. You’re a pussy.” Except I know my mom would kick my ass if she ever saw me wearing it. Or heard about me wearing it. Or saw a post about how I thought about wearing it. You see my problem.
Anyway, so This is Not April (who, dude, I don’t know, but I totally think might just be April) tweets “get off twitter long enough to talk to me on the rail.”
And I tweet back:
“I’m too racist for Full Tilt #exactlyracistenoughfortwitter #truestory”
She laughs and later when I’m whining because everyone folds when I have a good hand, she tweets
“they fear you hurling racial insults at them if they call.”
I laugh, but then later when this one player was taking forever, I write: “Box of Whine is getting on my nerves. He’s about to be a box of dawnsummers’ racial slurs.”
But then Astin tells me that the player is this guy’s sister, so I apologize and blame the tweet on hackers. Or Nickelback. (That guy hates him some Nickelback, for realz, yo.)
But so you see? How do I choose which of those awesomely awesome tweets to repost? I CAN’T! It’s TOO HARD.
Like that movie with Meryl Streep where she plays a lady named Sophie who has to make a choice about which kid to throw in the fire. I think it was called “hurry up lady, the Americans and Soviets will be here any day now.”
Also, twitter has memes everyday, someone picks a topic and anyone who wants to tweets about the topic.
I picked a topic once called “Lies People Tell Hippies.” It was fun.
The latest one was called “Failed Children’s Book Titles.”
Here were my favorites:
Curious George and the Electric Fence via Iggy
“Bitch, you ain’t my Grandma. You’s a M’Effin WOLF. I CAN SEE YOU, SON. I GOT EYES M’Effer, EYES! ” via Elon
So, um, long story…still pretty long, but come on, you laughed, twitter is fun. And you should do it. You don’t have to write anything. You should just read everything I write. Because I am funny. And on twitter I am short. Not height wise, I am exactly the same height that I am on blogger – which is to say a perfectly normal height for a woman.
Not short.
Normal.

26 Responses to “Twitter”

  1. Tae Says:

    “Curious George and the Electric Fence”

    Coffee-up-the-nose-fantastic.

  2. Tae Says:

    So you were playing poker. Where’s the poker blogging? You’ll have to get rid of that darn football blog.

  3. Pdov Says:

    I hate Nickelback with a huge passion. Stupid, stupid, stupid band – who’s one of horrible song is stuck in my head. But since all their songs sound the same, it’s like their whole music catalog is stuck in my head.

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    hahaah Back off PDvo…you know you wanna be a Rockstar! We’ll all stay skinny cause we just won’t eat!

  5. Pdov Says:

    No I don’t want to mothereffin Rockstar. Idiots. All their songs are shallow and did I mention totally the same. Grrrr.

  6. Dawn Summers Says:

    Look at this photograph, everytime I do, it makes me laugh

  7. Pdov Says:

    You actually listen to this sh*t ? Why am I not surprised.

  8. Dawn Summers Says:

    Drew smiles at me…I fake a smile so he cant see…

  9. Alceste Says:

    You look so much cuter with something in your mouth.

  10. Alceste Says:

    With lyricism like that, pdov, nickelback is clearly beyond reproach.

  11. pearatty Says:

    Nope. Won’t twitter. Against it.

  12. Dawn Summers Says:

    hahaha, you are so signing up right now aren’t you pearatty? I can see you!!

  13. Dawn Summers Says:

    Oh, man , Alceste…i am SO glad you were quoting lyrics there…cause…wow…hoentsly…woulda had nothing.

  14. Pdov Says:

    Thankfully I didn’t know that song. Have to go gouge my eyes out. Ouch.

  15. Dawn Summers Says:

    The lady doth protest too much…I think I know what someone is getting for chanukah!

  16. pearatty Says:

    “you are so signing up right now aren’t you pearatty”

    Nope. I have drawn the line. At Twitter it shall remain.

  17. Dawn Summers Says:

    Was it a line in sand, pencil or ink?

  18. Alceste Says:

    Was the village voice’s “worst lyric of 2008” (beat “Are we human? Or are we dancer?” in the semis) — was apparently from one of their “hit” songs

  19. Dawn Summers Says:

    I really only know three Nickelback songs…Photograph, Rockstar and um…another one…

  20. Pdov Says:

    Dawn, why even try to recollect. #theyarethesame Now do you understand?!

  21. pearatty Says:

    Ok, I’m not twittering, but perhaps someone could explain the “#[insert phrase]” and “@[insert name]” comments, so I can at least understant this blog?

  22. Dawn Summers Says:

    @pearatty (sign tells you that the comment which follows replies to something that person has said)

    The # or hashtag is like when I list the subject under a post i.e. “Wacky people” “twitter” “personal”

    #easilytellsthereaderthemoralofthestory

    #nowgetontwitter

    #wecanbothdrawthelineattumblr

    #dawnsummerswillnottumblryouhearme@petitedovNEVER

  23. Petitedov Says:

    Good because if you tumbled I would hear all those annoying Nickelback songs. Who needs you tumble anyway? #usingreversepsychologywhenishouldn’t

  24. pearatty Says:

    Good Lord. I’m so glad I drew the line at Twitter. Right now I’d be having to learn what Tumbling in if I hadn’t.

  25. pearatty Says:

    But thank you for the explanation.

  26. Dawn Summers Says:

    @pearatty I would feel better about my explanation if you would demonstrate your understanding by using these conventions in your next comment.

    #positivereenforcementisagoodthing

    #noneedtolearnhowtotumbletumblrisstupidsuckitrepublicanhippie

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