Clareified

Where does the good go

For President Obama’s Eyes Only

Dear President Obama,

I hope this email finds you well. I have been vigilant in my duties of fighting right-wingers, conservatives and self-styled “independents” (they do not fool me, either, Sir). (I have also decided to take on the hippies, Sir. Now that you have authorized logging in Alaska, I fear they may be regrouping as a threat and a watchful eye should be kept on them. I am keeping especially close eyes on conservative hippies.)
However, I do not write to you today in my capacity as Dawn the conserva-Slayer.
I write regarding another more deadly threat than Republicans:
solar flares, Sir.
Now, the sentence I am about to write is going to sound odd, but I beg you to keep reading.
I watched the Nicholas Cage movie, Knowing last night. (I know, I know…after Bangkok Dangerous, I really should have learned my lesson. I hang my head in shame.) Anyway, while the move is typical Nicholas Cage nonsensical plot and incredulously one dimensional stereotypes of stereotypes of characters, and, UGH, *aliens* As if, the movie did raise a valid concern.
Sun flares.
Is the sun our friend? So far, sure.
But who hasn’t had a friend go batshit krazy and decide to melt the whole world in a fiery blaze of explosions? Remember Evil Willow?
Wait, wait please don’t dismiss me and have Rahm add me to “the list.”
The sun has taken a lot of heat (ha ha, that was totally unintentional!) in the past few months for its nonpresence (particularly on the East coast). I think it may still be angry with us. I looked skyward yesterday and the sun looked pissed. Then the New York Times posted a very unflattering portrait of the sun on its front page! (Damn, left wing media!)
Also, we must not forget that Nicholas Cage was also in Face/Off. A movie once derided as impossible, yet here was are, a mere 12 years later and people everywhere are having seamless and perfect face transplants.
12 years, Sir!
We’d be a mere few weeks into President Biden’s administration when whammo: whoosh: Bored now!
So, what is to be done? Obviously, if Knowing is to be believed, we need to build bunkers *three* miles below the earth’s surface – however, with everything above blasted and melted, I’m not sure how efficacious that would be. (Right there, that’s how you know you can take me seriously. I wrote efficacious instead of effective. So I MUST know what I’m talking about! Buffy references notwithstanding.)
Instead, I suggest we take the fight to the sun. We earth flare it before it can sun flare us!
We build the largest solar panels known to man and place them strategically around the globe (aka replacing the empty spaces where are former enemy nations: Afghanistan, North Korea, France and Russia once stood) and we give the sun a good dose of Earthfire!
That’ll learn it!
Okay and obviously, I’m just spitballing here, but I also suggest we start trying to build a squadron of sunresistant super soldiers who could absorb all the energy from a solar flare and use it to, um, I dunno, possibly power BMW’s on there way to the candy store.
Anyway, thank you for your time; you’ve been so much more than kind.

Yours always,

Dawn J. Summers

19 Responses to “For President Obama’s Eyes Only”

  1. fisch Says:

    Haha.
    Good.
    Let’s teach that sun a lesson!

  2. dawn s Says:

    I detect sarcasm. Not a lot, but traces. We’re keeping an eye on you now.

  3. Alceste Says:

    If you’re afraid of solar flares now, you should google “solar flares 2012”.

    (It’s all a bunch of apocalyptic nonsense, but entertaining nonetheless…)

  4. dawn s Says:

    We’re going to die. http://www.universetoday.com/2008/06/21/2012-no-killer-solar-flare/

  5. pearatty Says:

    This is awesome. You are totally on Rahm’s crazy person list now.

  6. Pdov Says:

    We are all going to die. I’m not a hippie and I’m (kinda) glad somebody is keeping an eye on me. How does Cage gets to still make movies? I mean I loved him in Moonstruck but that was in the 80’s – since then crap upon crap. I think there is a selling-your-soul-to-the-devil type dealio happening here.

  7. Dawn Summers Says:

    hahah. Hey! I feel negatively about that comment.

  8. Eric Says:

    Hey now, Lord of War was pretty good, if a bit preachy in the end. That was relatively recent.

  9. Dawn Summers Says:

    Lord of War was not bad, not pretty good. Nicholas Cage has jumped the shark.

  10. matthew Says:

    ugh…leaving las vegas?

    and come on PEOPLE CON FRICKING AIR…
    “I told you to put the bunny back in the box.”
    SNAP.

  11. Clareified » Blog Archive » Solar Flares 2012 Says:

    […] WE’RE GOING TO DIE! JUST LIKE ALCESTE WARNED THREE YEARS AGO!! […]

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