I know I said I would do a “tweets of the week” feature so that you could see my genius without having to join twitter.
But, um, it turns out, boy do I have A TON of genius. I mean, how could I even begin to choose which of my incredibly awesome tweetage to repost here. I’d only end up posting all of it and (um, truth be told) there’s A LOT of it.
Like for instance, last night, I’m playing in this online tournament and the online poker site allows you to chat with the other players at the table; except, one time a couple of years ago I jokingly wrote “you should give a nigga some notice before you raise,” to a guy in the chat.
Someone reported it (I guess) and my chat privileges were taken away because I was racist. (I could get them back by writing an email to the site and promising I won’t be racist anymore, but I’m not that good of a liar.)
Anyway, so I’m playing in this game and since I can’t use the chat, I used twitter to chat, which is pretty funny when everyone else is trying to talk to you via the game and you’re all answering them via twitter, but you can’t tell them that’s where you’re answering them because you can’t talk via the game. I asked CK to tell everyone I was answering them on twitter but she tweeted back “I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.” (What she didn’t know is that is actually what I wanted her to tweet. Sucka.)
So the people in the game just think I’m a bitch who doesn’t respond. (A few weeks ago I decided that if I ever got a T-shirt made for myself it would say “I’m not a bitch. You’re a pussy.” Except I know my mom would kick my ass if she ever saw me wearing it. Or heard about me wearing it. Or saw a post about how I thought about wearing it. You see my problem.
Anyway, so This is Not April (who, dude, I don’t know, but I totally think might just be April) tweets “get off twitter long enough to talk to me on the rail.”
And I tweet back:
“I’m too racist for Full Tilt #exactlyracistenoughfortwitter #truestory”
She laughs and later when I’m whining because everyone folds when I have a good hand, she tweets
“they fear you hurling racial insults at them if they call.”
I laugh, but then later when this one player was taking forever, I write: “Box of Whine is getting on my nerves. He’s about to be a box of dawnsummers’ racial slurs.”
But then Astin tells me that the player is this guy’s sister, so I apologize and blame the tweet on hackers. Or Nickelback. (That guy hates him some Nickelback, for realz, yo.)
But so you see? How do I choose which of those awesomely awesome tweets to repost? I CAN’T! It’s TOO HARD.
Like that movie with Meryl Streep where she plays a lady named Sophie who has to make a choice about which kid to throw in the fire. I think it was called “hurry up lady, the Americans and Soviets will be here any day now.”
Also, twitter has memes everyday, someone picks a topic and anyone who wants to tweets about the topic.
I picked a topic once called “Lies People Tell Hippies.” It was fun.
The latest one was called “Failed Children’s Book Titles.”
Here were my favorites:
Curious George and the Electric Fence via Iggy
“Bitch, you ain’t my Grandma. You’s a M’Effin WOLF. I CAN SEE YOU, SON. I GOT EYES M’Effer, EYES! ” via Elon
So, um, long story…still pretty long, but come on, you laughed, twitter is fun. And you should do it. You don’t have to write anything. You should just read everything I write. Because I am funny. And on twitter I am short. Not height wise, I am exactly the same height that I am on blogger – which is to say a perfectly normal height for a woman.