Clareified

Where does the good go

Adult School 101

I really liked this list:

Grow up.

And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word “poo” for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.

Now, while I don’t think I’ve sent a thank you note since I was sucking up to the Yale alumnus who interviewed me for early admission back in 1992, and lord knows, I cannot walk in high heels, much of the list had me going “yeaaaaahhhh….what’s up with that?!”

To wit:

5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn’t care when you showed up, we’d have said “any old time”; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you “lost track of time” as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.

6. Have enough money. I do not mean “give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses.” I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or “forgot” to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don’t order things you can’t afford, and…

7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.

11. Do as invitations ask you. Don’t bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don’t blow off an RSVP; it means “please respond,” and you should. “Regrets only” means you only answer if you can’t come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight — not at seven-thirty so you can go a “better” party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.

12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can’t manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don’t have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it’s what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.


Read the whole thing. Pesonally, I would also like to add:

21. If your friend has a blog, you should leave comments. You are an adult now, no one should have to pester you to leave comments on their blog. It’s common courtesy. They have gone out of their way to meticulously share the irrelevant minutiae of his or her life and endlessly bombard you with the url, the least you can do, is to hit them upstyle in the comment section with a simple, yet elegant “wow, Dawn, that is the most inciteful thought I have seen today. Thank you for sharing that. You are so funny and wise. The world would be a better place if everyone tried to be just a little bit more like you.” You know, or however, you express awe, admiration and gratitude.

via Le PetiteDov, who we still hate. Night Bagel temptress. Who does that? Who goes around twittering about bagels and cheese AT NIGHT when people can’t find a decent bagel store of their own to go to? Jerk.

22. Don’t go around twittering about bagels AT NIGHT. Twitter about them at breakfast time, like a normal person.

13 Responses to “Adult School 101”

  1. pearatty Says:

    Oooh, I love this post! So good.

  2. dawn summers Says:

    Heh. Well done. :)

  3. Eric Says:

    What is it with the 20% tipping? It’s 15%. Fif-teeeeen. And that’s for excellent service.

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    Because 10% plus 10% divided by two doesn’t roll off the keyboard like 10% times 2 does.

  5. Alceste Says:

    It’s even 20% of the total with tax in New York — I don’t get it (particularly when it would be easier to take the tax and just multiply by 2 for a more reasonable 18% tip on the subtotal).

  6. F-Train Says:

    Wow, Dawn, that is the most inciteful [sic] thought I have seen today. Thank you for sharing that. You are so funny and wise. The world would be a better place if everyone tried to be just a little bit more like you.

    [Ask, and ye shall receive.]

  7. dawn summers Says:

    Hi, F-train! (waves enthusiastically.)

  8. dawn summers Says:

    Gotta say, I’m surprised the Grammar Queen didn’t catch that error…disappointed really. Have lost all faith in everything I believed.

  9. Jamie Says:

    Man, I was all into this list until I saw “Every night can’t be poker night”. I mean, WTF?

  10. dawn summers Says:

    Duh, if it were when would you play Scrabble?

  11. Petitedov Says:

    Did you ever satisfy your bagel craving? I had one delicious Sesame bagel today. Oh, oops, was I supposed to leave this comment in the morning.

    I also don’t agree with 20% tipping. 15% all the way!

    You’re welcome.

  12. pearatty Says:

    “I’m surprised the Grammar Queen didn’t catch that error…disappointed really. Have lost all faith in everything I believed.”

    Well, if you notice, I just corrected it without comment when I pasted it in the rest of my comments. I have manners, not like some people.

  13. dawn summers Says:

    ooooohh, buuurrrrnnn

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