Reviews are in, I’m the favorite daughter again! Take that, PN!
Archive for April, 2009
I like the pay of employment, but the hours are better in unemployment.
” It was once said that a black man would be president “when pigs fly”, indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency…. Swine flu.”-Tyson
I’m guessing they’re only half right because President Obama is only half black.
I learned the phrase from my mother. It was her ever colorful way of saying “Don’t make me tell you twice.”
For example: “Dawn, go put your dirty clothes in the washer.”
Twenty minutes later, Dawn, who is trying to get to the next level in Zelda, would hear “Oh, so you think you’re a bad bitch?”
And game is on pause and clothes go into the washer.
Now, of course, there were some days when I did in fact think I was a bad bitch. And when she’d ask me, I’d shrug my shoulders and not move my clothes anywhere near the washer. Then she would knock me the fuck out and I’d remember that “no, no I am not a bad bitch” and the clothes would be taken to the washer.
Well, I have to confess that when I go to the gym and I’m rocking out to my ipod I totally feel like a bad bitch. This is not a good thing.
Like when I’m using a machine and someone wants to “work in.” Huh? Let me get this straight. I am using this thing, I am clearly not done, but you want me to stop, get off and wait while *you* use it? Not bloody likely. And don’t get me started on the people who wear cologne to the gym. Yah, cause sweat and Old Spice is hawt!
Anyway, last night, I’m all walking to the machine and I see a towel draped across the seat. I look around and see no one. I walk to the machine, put my hand on the bar and make every “hey! I’m about to use this, if you have a problem with that let me know now,” move that I can. Nothing.
I take the towel off the seat and drape it across the base of the machine.
Not a minute into the workout, this man — about 6’5, probably 220 pounds, ripped from his thick neck to his burly calves storms over to me and starts ranting.
I have my headphones in my ears, so I can’t hear what he’s saying.
I sit up and take a bud out of my ear and catch midrant.
“– put my towel on the floor?”
“I didn’t put it on the floor,” I said.
“Why the fuck you going to put my towel on the floor. Didn’t you see it on the seat.”
“Yeah, I saw it on the seat and I put it on the foot of the machine.” This is called *adjacent* to the floor.
“You put it on the floor.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have left it on the machine.”
“You stupid fucking bitch.”
Ohhhhh HELL NO. He did NOT just call me…stupid!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is where, your humble 5’3 -5’4 when she’s lying- fat, no muscles at all having, way way way out of shape hero thinks to herself ” I just did 15 minutes on the Stairmaster who does this asshole think he is?”
This is where your humble hero decides that yes, yes she is a bad bitch and she is going step to this man and show him what’s what.
As I stood up and my head reached, oh, let’s say, his navel, I also realized that I was going to get very very very hurt. I already felt my body tensing, my eyes squeezing themselves shut and my neck twisting my body away from the impending blows. I was going to be adjacent to the floor. Possibly dead.
In fact, all I really could hope for here is not to get dead.
And that he had deep pockets.
But whatever. I’ve been knocked the fuck out before.
I stood up to him and said “excuse me.”
Mercifully, his friend pulled him away.
Also mercifully, my mouth did not utter the words “Yeah, you better walk away,” despite the fact that my head was thinking it very loudly.
I went back to my workout.
Actually, I probably could have taken him.
My teeth might have scratched his fist or something…
So because of the big switch I had to tape Matthews, Olby and Rachel last night, meaning that my DVR was too full to tape Better Off Ted or Lost tonight. GRRRR.
Meghan McCain complains that she’s creeped out that Karl Rove follows her.
Wait for it…
Dude. Isn’t that the point of TWITTER?
What next? “Waaa people are commenting on my blog posts!”
“Mommy, people keep looking at my youtube videos.”
I love this chick. Hopefully, she keeps on being the voice of the Republican party.
Okay, I know I’ve been out of the workplace for a while, but aren’t people supposed to get paid for their services? I mean I enjoy the free lattes and bottled water, but I need cash monies.
Dear independent bookstore owner,
When I ask you if you have a book, your answer should not be “No.” It should be “not today, but I can get it for you. What’s your contact information?”
And now, I go to Amazon and wonder if it’ll be a Starbucks or a Duane Reade that takes over your space when you’re evicted because you can’t pay the rent due under your lease.
Are you a beggar if your lunch consisted of free samples from local Penn station vendors?
I don’t care what this cheap-ass, stuck at 98.6 degrees thermometer says I have a fever of at least 102.