Clareified

Where does the good go

Movie Reviews

Now, some have speculated that I am simply masochistic given the movies that I’ve been renting lately. However, I like to think that I am just a fair open minded woman who thought that maybe certain movies were just given bad raps by jealous critics. Except… yeah…it could also be that I am a fair open minded woman who is also a masochist.

Gigli

God GAWD this movie was bad. The premise was bad. The accents were worse. The acting was dreadful. Even the sets were terrible. Why? Why did I do that to myself?
But wait, before you answer that!

Glitter
Oh, Mariah. I’m sorry that Derek Jeter dumped you and made you go to the crazy house…but did you really need to make sure the rest of us suffered permanent psychiatric damage as well? Dude? what was up with showing up to the house of the alcoholic mom who abandoned you in a stretch limosine and a ballgown? Did anyone edit this movie? How was it allowed to be released? Why, did I do that to myself? But wait! There’s more!

Waterworld
Now, in my defense this movie came with Alceste’s very strong “eh, it wasn’t so bad” seal of approval. BUT OH HELL YES IT WAS! HE HAS GILLS, DUDE?? Kevin Bacon Costner has gills, but lugs around annoying girl and prostitute fake mom for THREE AND A HALF hours through Waterworld? Or was waterworld where they were trying to get to? I forget. All I know is I was rooting for those escapees from Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome to kill them all. Sadly, never happened.
But yes, we continued with our experiment.

Saw V
Because the first four left so many unanswered questions. Now, don’t get me wrong I actually liked Saw IV, but where I once thought Saw III was the worst of the series…about twenty minutes into Saw V, you’ll be begging to watch Saw III on a repeat loop while your eyes are clipped open a la Clockwork Orange. Oh, Luke, is that really what has become of you since Gilmore Girls went off the air? Speaking of favorite TV characters getting sucked into horrid horrid movies…

The Women
Oh, Murphy Brown…Why? WHY? I don’t know if you guys know about this movie…but it stars Will Smith’s wife and Meg ryan and that lady that was in the Starter Wife with Debra Messing. The schtick is there are no men in the whole movie. No extras, no leads, no supporting…none. They have chick taxi cab drivers, chick waiters, chick shoppers in the malls…which is a neat concept, except when attached to this dreadful movie that has Meg Ryan cat fighting with the poor man’s Rosario Dawson in a lingerie store. Even Cloris Lechman looks pathetic and dude…don’t sleep on Cloris Lechman. “The Women” makes men look like GENIUSES for not being in this movie. Continuing in the vein of bad movies happening to good people…

The Secret Lives of Bees
I think I said it best when I remarked on facebook that this movie was bad “for little white girls, black women, black men, single fathers, dead mothers and bees.” I just don’t understand how this movie got made. Or why Queen Latifah was involved. QUEEN LATIFAH!!! Blech.

The Family that Preys

Yet one more in the long line of Tyler Perry movies where the smart, ambitious professional black woman is taken down a peg…cause how dare she be all uppity with her school learnin’. If I ever meet that man in real life I am sticking my uppity professional black woman foot up his ass. Okay, this one I did to myself. I mean, if I didn’t learn after “Daddy’s Girls” I will NEVER learn. Speaking of never learning…

Zoolander
I hate Ben Stiller. I hate his face. I hate his attitude. I hate his stupid hair. Did you see his retardo bit during the Oscar’s? That is how I feel everytime I see stupid stupid Ben Stiller. This movie did not win the hearts or minds. Though I liked David Duchovny (and I usually hate Duchovny in movies) I have decided to blame pearatty. I don’t know who to blame for the next movie on Dawn Summers’ tour of horrible movies…

Whatever that stupid Michael Cera dorky guy meets indie chick and magical night ensues movie

Awful! His relationship with the girl that dumps him makes NO sense. His relationship with the indie girl (who just happens to be friends with the girl that dumps him) makes EVEN LESS sense. And then, just to complete the circle of characters that MAKE no sense together, they throw in two gay guys and a vomiting drunk girl. You know what’s not awesome? THAT movie!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the Original)

I feel like this one is Gib’s fault…but seriously? The victims literally walk into the Texas Chainsaw massacre people’s house? I mean besides the chick who gets hung on the meat hook, there’s no massaceryness at all…oh, and the one guy getting hit by the mac truck was cool…but all in all for a movie with this title, I expected WAY more dismembered limb footage. Speaking of people I wanted to see dismembered…

Lakeview Terrace

Has Samuel L. Jackson made a decent movie since XXX? Maybe, but this wasn’t it. He plays the single father of two kids, who live next door to a mixed marriage couple and he goes batshit. Oh, and he’s a cop. So like ooohh…who do you call when the cops are the bad guys? Vomitous. His motivation makes no sense, why the mixed marriage couple continues to invite him over is mind boggling, why he resorts to murder…how these retards catch him and then the most ridiculous part of all — the end — GAH!!!! Just kill me. Yes, please kill me and spare me the horror of…

Righteous Kill
It’s Pacino! It’s Deniro! It’s THE SUCK. Here’s a hint, the guy you think did it, didn’t do it. oooh, scary. ARRGGHHH. If there was a script…if there was a plot…I missed it…well not “missed” a script and a plot would have made an unbearble experience even longer than the painfully painful 98 minutes. Painful minutes…well that’s just got to be a segue for

Stepbrothers

Why? WHY? Will Ferrel is funny. That Riley guy can be funny! Yet together? They are licking dried dog shit and being bullied by 11 year olds? Ugh. I actually liked the premise of the movie. Execution? BLEW.

And now for the cartoon portion of the evening…

Cars: Superstar car racer gets landed in a jail cell in some town that’s never heard of him. He falls in car love and gets a car mentor and learns there are more important things than winning car races.
Eh…in light of all that I have been through, this movie deserves an Oscar. You know what didn’t deserve an Oscar?

Wall-E

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? He gets trash compacted but lives…and then they find the exact garbage dump on earth where he lives? THEY ARE ROBOTS PEOPLE. And not even wisecraking robots like the Jetsons promised us…they didn’t even speak english. Booo.

Speed Racer

Here, if you can get over this part, go right ahead and rent this movie: Speed Racer, not an occupation. It’s a guy’s name. Oh, and this movie has an uplifting lesson for the kids “school is just mundane crap you’ve got to get your girlfriend to help you cheat through so you can move on to the really important goal of racing cars.

So there you have it, America. I have saved you about a day of not watching the above films. You’re welcome.

Oh, and the blackberry Pearl is a piece of garbage. You’re welcome.

8 Responses to “Movie Reviews”

  1. Eric Says:

    Okay, I agree Waterworld sucked, but the version I saw starred Keven Costner.

  2. Petitedov Says:

    I never saw Waterworld and was wondering about “Kevin Bacon” comment. Also, Wall-E was good, but didn’t blow my mind like people claimed. It’s sort of based on Charlie Chaplin’s City Lights, which I would guess you wouldn’t like, however it’s awesome.

  3. Ugarles Says:

    “Has Samuel L. Jackson made a decent movie since XXX?”

    XXX is the baseline? That’s the kind of line that makes people stop reading your reviews. Hypothetically.

  4. Gerard Says:

    Ha.

    Tyler Perry doesn’t need your approbation. Soon scads of white geeks who enjoy watching pointless sci-fi films will be watching him on the big screen.

  5. Gib Says:

    How in the heck is it my fault that you watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

  6. pearatty Says:

    I sometimes have that reaction too, like “how bad could Gigli be? I want to watch it and see! Maybe I’ll be different and love it!” Thank you for saving me from myself.

  7. Gerard Says:

    There’s a possibility that it’s execrable.

    For every Kevin Smith gem, e.g. Clerks II, there’s a comparable bomb, see Jersey Girl.

  8. Gerard Says:

    Wait, Gigli wasn’t directed by Kevin Smith.

    Still, it co-stars Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Really, do you expect it not to be terrible?

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