Clareified

This is the post where Dawn freaks out people who don’t quite fully know the depths of her disorder.

Wow, the new television season gets completed later and later each year…30 Rock hasn’t even debuted yet. Neither has Lost, but the bulk of the new shows have started and the returning shows have returned. Each year I try to come up with a system for reviewing these shows, but every year it breaks down and I end up reviewing them as I think of them, so this year my plan, is to not have a plan! So here we go….spanning the tube…

CW

90210. I loved this show when I was a kid, mostly because Brenda and Brandon were my year…that is to say, like me, they would graduate high school in 1993. I watched this show diligently to make sure I was doing all the right things a person in the class of 1993 should do. I wasn’t, but I got to watch them do it on Thursday nights, so all was good. Obviously, with the new 90210, um…that’s not exactly the case…as I believe, and bear with me here, I am trying to do math, but I think if I had done what Brenda did when she was 16, I could actually be a parent to the kids in the new 90210. In fact, it looks like some of the parents are supposed to be 30 or 31, so…dyyyaam… But never mind all that: How is the show? I actually liked the two hours premiere —putting aside that I HATE THE GRATUTIOUS BLACK GUY — fucking eh, they can’t come up with a plausible way to have a black lead, so they saddle a Midwestern family with a “kid from the streets” that they adopt as a teenager? Puh.Leeze. I liked seeing Kelly and Brenda again AND I LOVE THE grandma. But I was a huge Arrested Development fan, so that’s not a surprise. Subsequent episodes of 90210 have been less impressive. That the dad has a long lost adopted baby with the parents of one of the students, or that the daughter and the “boy next door” are ill fated because he’s dating her new BFF, weak…trite…blah. Nothing exciting has happened since…oh…ever. There are no good rivalries, no cute couples…the most seat edge sitting plotline was who was Kelly baby daddy and once they revealed it was Dylan, she promptly packed her bags and headed off to chase him. I doubt I’ll finish out the season.

Privileged. Okay, you guys know what a Gilmore Girls fan I was…right? No? Well, I was. Anyway, when I saw previews for this show while sitting at a poker table in Connecticut, I leaned over and whispered to Alceste that I “must watch this show!” The girl went to Yale (like Rory), she was all spunky I want to be a journalist (like Rory) and there was a huge mansion involved…but sadly this show disappointed from jump street. The Yale grad was working at a tabloid –which, as someone who briefly tried to be a professional journalist, is a job you’d kill to get straight out of college. No, instead this chick is all “waaa, I want to do important things,” so she gets herself fired and instead becomes a nanny to “twin sixteen year olds” I use quotation marks because the girls look nothing like each NOR do they look like any sixteen year olds I’ve ever seen. Now, of course, you can get away with having twenty year olds playing teens, if the writing is good, here it is not. They’ve got the obligatory “gay pal” who doubles as the obligatory black guy, they’ve got the best friend who is a guy, but oh, shocker, he’s really in love with the girl, and she’s got the obligatory estranged family members who somehow manage to show up at all the wrong times! I did like the twist that the sister from the wrong side of the tracks that gets wrongly accused of stealing the spoiled twins’ bracelet actually did steal the bracelet. But now that I’ve told you that, there’s no reason to watch. Blah.

Valentine. I loved mythology when I was young. I was sort of an expert by the time I graduated high school in all the Roman and Greek gods. So, I was titillated by the idea of “Gods among us,” which is the premise of Valentine. Basically, they have to hook up couples with their one true love or risk becoming irrelevant (and thus, mortal). Apparently the world of online dating and cynical marriages of convenience have marginalized poor true love and they need to reassert their importance. It features the girl that played Ryan’s love interest on that last terrible Mischa Barton free year of the OC. If you were into her, other than that, the cast is mostly unknown to me. The first episode was okay. They hire a mortal romance novelist to help them communicate with us. I dunno…this series could be good or very very bad. I’ll have to give it a few more episodes, but if I’m honest, I think I’m only reserving judgment because I really like the premise and want this to work. It probably won’t. Pout.

Easy Money. Stars Laurie Metcalf…who I j’adore. But it sucks. The series is shot like a David Lynch movie, so it’s grainy and all weird. The writing is WRETCHED. AWFUL. GAG. Like the cops are all crooked and…oh, sorry, I’ve gotten ahead of myself. The show is about Laurie Metcalf and her three kids who run a loan shark business in a small town. So they loan out money and then have to chase the deadbeats down to get it back. The oldest son: Morgan Stanley is all conflicted because they are preying on people’s lesser natures and charging huge interest fees. Blah blah blah. There’s, of course, the stupid brother and the slutty sister to round out the stupid cast. Ugh. I finished it, but only so I erased all doubt from my mind that this show was a crap factory.

The Worst Week. Again, another show that I finished, just so I could be certain that OMG this was the WORST piece of GARBAGE ever aired. Oh, and I know this show is on CBS, but when I wrote the words crap factory back there, it leapt to mind and I had to write about it. The first episode has the guy thinking he’s killed his future father in law and basically callously identifying a body at the morgue, almost causing his future mother in law to stroke out when the supposedly dead man shows up from work and then setting fire to his in laws house. And I know, this all sounds hysterical right? But no. I didn’t laugh once. I, DAWN LAUGHS AT A BRIDE GETTING PUSHED INTO A POND SUMMERS DID NOT LAUGH ONCE. Dude. Nuff Said.

And since we’re on to CBS…
The Ex List. In this show a psychic tells a woman that she’s already dated the man she is supposed to marry and if she doesn’t get married by year’s end, she will never get married. To which her sister replies “it doesn’t take a psychic to know that a thirty three year old woman has a year left to get married or it’s not going to happen.” So, right off the back, you know I just am going to love this show. Not. Whoa. What year is this? Anyway, so it stars Ava from Grey’s Anatomy, who I never liked anyway. And there are no random black people, which remember how I said I hate that, I actually hate it even more when they don’t even try. (What? I believe in a nice integrated world where you have black people and it’s normal that they are there, not where you are trying to make shit up to invent black people…) Anyway, the first episode has her redating a guy she dumped when she was 26 and “young and stupid” TWENTY SIX!! Ugh, who on earth is writing this junk? Anyway, she redates him, but he’s only in it to get revenge because she dumped him on his birthday and broke his heart. At the end, when she thinks she could be into him, he ends up writing her a song, the gist of which was “HA, I am dumping you in a song. You are going to die alone. I hope you like cats.” Actually, those may have been actual lyrics. He was played by the guy that was in Six Feet Under as the girl’s first serious boyfriend who had the baby brother that shot himself when he finds the dad’s gun. You know who I mean. Anyway, this show is dumb. And if she has to marry within the year, I don’t see how it has much of a TV future.

Life on Mars. Another show I don’t see having much of a TV future. I know this is a remake of a British show, so somehow it did survive multiple seasons. The premise is this: in 2008, a cop gets hit by a car and lands in NYC in 1973. Shots of the intact World Trade Center included. (Is it weird that that creeps me out…like I want to warn them…or something…shudder.) Anyway, it stars a new guy that I’ve never seen before. He’s a good actor and not too hard on the eyes. It also has HARVEY FRACKING KEITEL!! And Christopher from the Sopranos. I liked the first episode…but since I feel like he wrapped up his dual goals of saving his girlfriend Lisa Bonet and figuring out that he’s in a coma…I wonder where they go from there. I started watching the second episode, but got distracted and haven’t finished…doesn’t bode well for the series.

Back to CBS: The Mentalist. The latest in a genre of shows that are just like other shows, but with a twist. This is just like House, except he solves crimes using his acute sense of observation. Premise: A former “fake psychic” goes to work for the California Bureau of Investigations when his family is murdered by a serial killer that he profiled when he was conning people on TV as a fake psychic. Now he solves real crimes with real key observing. I’m making fun, but I actually like the show. Even though I don’t believe anyone can observe as accurately as this guy is supposed to be able to. Case in point: He solves a crime because the chef used too much butter in a dish. “It has to be him, all that butter…he’s a glutton…wants what he wants.” Eyeroll. Also it stars STUPID BITCH ASS VERONICA from Season 1 of Prison Break. And let me tell you, there was no happier day in my unhappy days of watching the first four seasons of Prison Break than the day she was SHOT TO DEATH AND PUT IN A TRUNK. Ahhh…that was a good day. She’s not as annoying on this show, but that’s still annoying.

The Eleventh Hour: Again, this show is just like the mentalist, except the twist is the guy is a super science guy who solves crimes by being extra sciency. Case in point: when fetuses show up buried alongside the highway, he figures out they are part of a human cloning experiment gone wrong! GONE WRONG! The dude, is a character actor I’ve seen a dozen times, but he’s never stood out in anything…i.e. poor choice for your male lead. And the chick is your generic skinny blond chick that weighs less than the gun she supposedly carries. Actually, she is the spitting image of the dumb blond chick in Fringe…which brings us to

Fringe. Oh, right, forgot to give my final conclusion for the last one: Eleventh Hour sucks, if you want to watch Eleventh Hour, watch the Mentalist. Same thing, but the lead is more attractive and the show is a little funny. Now, Fringe. I am supposed to like this show. JJ Abrams. X-Files knock off, former Dawson Creek actors…umm really gross things happen and ruin Mary’s appetite. It should be awesome. But…nope. Something just doesn’t work. It like takes itself too seriously, yet not seriously enough. Premise: A massive worldwide conspiracy is happening and humans are being used as experiments and the bureau of weird shit happening has to stop it. And yet, I don’t believe the stupid blond chick as the hard nose detective, I don’t buy PACEY as the genius son of the genius who is uniquely qualified to run these experiments, even really good posture man from The Wire isn’t plausible as the head of the bureau of weird shit. The only thing that works is the crazy old man, who does, indeed, seem crazy. So, there’s that. I have three episodes of this crap cluttering up the DVR and I think I’ve just given myself permission to delete them.

Kath & Kim: Oh man is this show NOT FUNNY. It employs the time honored “voice over” not to impart kernels of wisdom, like Grey’s Anatomy, but to explain things that actors are supposed to be able to convey with…oh…I dunno…acting? NOBODY is funny in this. Not the dumb girl that is supposed to say really dumb things and make us laugh like…Lisa Kudrow on Friends or Rose on the Golden Girls. No, this girl says dumb things and you just cringe because you know the writers are just trying to make fun of a certain stereotype of person that doesn’t even really exist. Like Joy on My name is earl, but not funny. They have managed to make Molly Shannon the straight man. The NOT AT ALL funny straight man. I’ve seen both episodes of this show and they were the longest thirty minutes I have ever endured. Ugh. Why would NBC ruin an otherwise deliciously funny Thursday night lineup…with with…with THIS! I blame Australia.

My Own Worst Enemy. I actually delayed this write up because I wanted to watch the premiere of Christian Slater’s comeback vehicle. I should have skipped it. Premise: Christian Slater is a badass spy whose secret identity is a suburban husband. But when his secret identity breaks loose from his mind and wants to keep the body, he has to teach his suburban husband mind to fight the bad guys coming after the family. Or something. I dunno. It was so dumb. And it stars TV show death Alfre Woodard, so you know it’s not going to last, why bother paying attention.

True Blood. I really liked the first episode of this show…but ever since has just been a monotonous collection of “Oh, Vampire, I love you, but we just can’t” and her brother having sex with women who turn up dead. I’m going to need something good and concrete to happen real soon, otherwise I will have to resort to reading the books. YOU HEAR THAT TV?? I will go read…I swear, I’ll do it! Okay, then.

Raising the Bar: Premise Zach from Saved By the Bell grows up to be an insufferable, hippie lawyer. Why, oh, why did I waste forty minutes of my life watching this? I must have dry heaved no less than four times during his “racist society has unjustly blah blah blah my client” summation where he calls the judge names and gets cited with contempt, refuses to apologize, but still wins the case! And then has sex with the DA! Cause that’s exactly how it is in courthouses across the nation. Blech.

Well, that’s it for the new shows

Now, for the awesomely awesome shows…well, at least one: GOSSIP GIRL. Or as I like to call it TOTALLY AWESOME IN EVERYWAY GIRL. This show about the inner workings of NYC elite prep schools, got off to a slow start with a couple of early episodes about their life in the Hamptons. It has bad girl Serena all doe-eyed over goody two shoes Dan and Blair wrapped up in a romance with a stupid Duke. But once Blair finds out the Duke is sleeping with his stepmother (oh, snap!) and Serena gets tired of Dan judging her rich girl ways (burn!) the show returned to its delicious evil awesome roots when both girls break up with the duds and seek supremacy at the school. The episode where they then proceed to dump each aother nd declare all out war for the school was the bomb diggity. Then Serena steals Blair’s spot at an elite Yale event –just out of spite—and then Blair tells the Dean that Serena killed a dude –yeah, she went there—man…in a dark dark world of The Worst Week and the Ex List, I now watch Gossip Girl twice!

Lipstick Jungle – a little known show which was a mid season replacement last year and had the exact same “you go, girls” premise as a show on ABC I was watching…Lipstick Jungle has grown on me. I like Brooke Shields, even though I HATE STUPID AUDREY RAINES…how does she keep getting hired?? HOW??? The storyline with Brooke Shields, high powered movie executive getting fired has made Lipstick Jungle all the more interesting. But I hate that they solved the problem of Audrey cheating on her husband by having him die. How do you spell copout?

My Name is Earl: I love that this season is back to the trailer park and back to the list. This might be the best written sitcom on TV…okay, maybe tied with 30 Rock. All the episodes this season have been funny and meaningful. I loved the one where Joy realizes that she is the reason her sons are never invited to anything and the one where the Crabman knocks a fan over on his stepson so the boy will go running to Joy, who was starting to feel like her son didn’t need her anymore. And last week’s episode with David Arquette was great. Can’t they make it one hour long and not show Kath & Kim anymore?

The Office: Hmm…I think the Office is currently at a streak of six terrible episodes in a row…going back to last season’s dumb Angela getting engaged twist. I thought the return of the disgraced Ryan would get things back on track…but nope. I don’t know why they think making Michael even more pathetic is supposed to be funny? The thing with Jan and her baby was just sad and depressing…not at all what I want out of my sitcoms.

Heroes: I loved the first half of the season premiere, hated the second half. I liked the next episode, hated the one that followed. The season has been so uneven. Though the “One of us, one of them” and “Gods and Monsters” were mostly terrific. Although the speedster is the worst character since Hiro. And did they really orphan Micah? What the hell? Sigh. I don’t know what to think of this show…I still watch it every week…heck, I still look forward to watching it every week. I do want to know where all of this is going…but the problem is I am starting to suspect it isn’t going anywhere…and they’ll just keep dragging it all out until they are canceled in two years…a la Lost. I liked vortex creating guy, though. I wish I could create vortexes. And why’d they make the hot guy get all ugly and fly-like with the slime? And am I really supposed to believe Hiro kills Ando? I do like bad ass Claire though…but must she dress in black all the time? And how come Peter can be killed in the future? Doesn’t he have Claire’s power. Yeah, that’s pretty much the thing with me and Heroes…more questions than answers.

Chuck: Premise: Ordinary nerd man gets all of our national secrets downloaded into his head and now the government must protect him, while he helps bring down spies. Yeah, it’s about as good as it sounds. Though at least they don’t make the blond girl wear the German uniform anymore. Ah, maybe I’m being too hard on Chuck. The show does have its moments. But how sick are we of the “love story” subplot? Very.

Knight Rider: Oooh, you all will be so proud of me! After deciding to give the show a chance when they showed KITT emerge from a plane instead of a truck, I promptly gave up on it after a lackluster, so dumb premiere this season. The actor who plays Mike is as one dimensional as the car’s monotone voice. I don’t know why they don’t get the original KITT to do the voice stuff…this guy has no emotion…oh, and the idea that there’s a government conspiracy out to kill Michael Knight…come on…Michael fights a different bad guy in each episode and beds women, there isn’t supposed to be anything more complicated than that. So while I still Tivo it, I do not watch them. Ha! Victory? Mine!

Law and Order: SVU I hate the new ADA! What happened to Casey. Bring back Casey. Otherwise, this show is what is always has been and I like it.

Life: This show has been described as a cop version of House, I don’t see that…it’s more like…old timey Miami Vice. I like the two leads, and the addition of a comedian to play their boss was smart. This show is funny and quirky –it strains belief though when they start to get serious and deal with the city-wide conspiracy to frame him for the murder of his partner and his partner’s family. I suspect they’ll figure out that we don’t care about that storyline and drop it. Like Bones did with the Gormagon killer.

Bones: I miss Zach, but I like the string of guest stars they have brought in to replace him. It was good to see Jimmy from the Practice again. I like the relationship between Booth and Bones and I am so happy they broke up the STUPID couple of Angela and the rich guy. The addition of Sweets as a regular, was inspired. Bones and Booth can come together in their mocking of him.

House: I was so scared they were really going to break him and Wilson up for good. (After all, they did get rid of the entire main doctor cast last year) House and Wilson’s friendship is one of the best dysfunctional relationships on TV. When cutthroat bitch came between them, you kinda just knew she would have to die. And sure enough, not only did she die, it was HOUSE that killed her! Kinda…and yet, Wilson forgives him! Ah, if only that kind of love existed in real life.

PrisonBreak: Yes, I know it’s dumb. The lead guy isn’t even that hot anymore. Everything about this show is stupid. And yet here I am. Ooh, will they be able to make a new device in time to find the last card holder in time to break into Scylla! Stay tuned. I am pathetic. Shut up.

Private Practice: Ditto what I said about Prison Break. At the end of last season, I thought this show was getting better. I was wrong. And if Addison says “Come on, Nay” one more time…insert empty threat. And yet, I’ll watch till Taye Diggs does what Taye Diggs does…that is gets cancelled.

Grey’s Anatomy: Very uneven season so far. I wish I didn’t know about all the internal problems they’ve been having with Izzie, cause now I keep looking for it…and seeing it everywhere. Her character has been soo marginalized this season. I can’t believe she and George just aren’t friends anymore. Sad. As always I love Meredith and Cristina’s relationship and Dr. Bailey, of course. Oh, and while I should be psyched that the guy from Rome is joining the cast as Cristina’s love interest. I’m not. Everyone knows Christina belongs with Meredith. The chief is so uncharacteristically crazy this season though. Too bad his wife is on Eli Stone. Maybe it will get cancelled and she’ll come back to him. AND I HATE baby Meredith. I want to gouge her pretty eyes out. Oh and I am sickened by the Hahn/George’s ex-wife thing. Come on. Oh, not that there’s anything wrong with it. I just don’t want to hear about embassies to Africa when I’m watching TV!

Ugly Betty: This show makes me smile. It’s clever, touching, funny…ah, it has everything. I always watch this show live if I’m home and if I’m not, it’s the first thing I playback when I get home. The cast is PERFECT. Oh, except for the stupid French son…although, how great is the twist that Alexis is his dad. Heh. Viva la Ugly!

Eli Stone: Don’t do it to yourselves. I stuck in it for the George Michael songs. But they’re not even doing that this season. Instead this season Eli talks to God – who is Sigourney Weaver and asks for his aneurysm back! Vomit.

Brothers & Sisters: After last year’s season finale reveal that Rebecca wasn’t their sister, undoing the season premiere reveal that she was, I decided this show jumped the shark. With this season’s reveal that their real sister is actually a brother and Saul leaving the show, I was proven right. Rob Low is just not enough to keep me watching anymore. Okay, he is. But that’s just because my standards are low. And dropping. Did I mention that I’m still watching Prison Break?

Boston Legal: You know, how every year I tell you how bad this show is and how I’m definitely not watching it anymore? Well, this show is so bad and I’m definitely not watching it anymore. Except that this is its last year and I’m in this far, might as well…ugh…shut up.

Pushing Daisies: I still like this show. It’s cute. I don’t see how much longer it can go on though with Ned not being able to so much as brush against Chuck. The colors are pretty and I got all choked up last week when Ned apologized to Olive for being a thoughtless jerk. I like Olive. Which is odd because I usually hate the blond girl. And of course it has a black guy. Naturally!

Dirty Sexy Money: Booo. Booooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What a waste of Blair Underwood and that Asian chick from the New Charlie’s Angels that I usually like. This show is dumb. It tries so hard to be like those great nighttime soap operas from the 80s with the dynastic family that runs the city…but instead, it’s a dumb show from the 2007s that should have been cancelled. I do credit the show with a beautifully phrased exchange that I always think about.

Smallville: No Lex, No Lana, no farm…why is this show still on the air? Oh…Oliver Queen…we like Oliver Queen.

CSI: They killed off the black guy – unnecessarily so, since they caught his killer in the very first episode of the season. AND THEY let stupid Sarah live and return – presumably because she’s white. But I hear they are bringing in a black guy as the lead…so…I’ll let this slide.

Desperate Housewives: So Marc Cherry made the risky “advance the time line” move…you remember when Alias did that? So you spent the whole time wondering what year it was? Yeah…not cool…but really…is it 2013 on Wisteria lane? Did Obama win a second term? Er…I mean…first term? (Don’t get complacent people, McCain wasn’t supposed to win the Republican nomination either! Go to Ohio!) But aside from those timeline questions, I like this season. Oh, except the whole “Gabby is fat now because instead of a 0 she is a 2 is such bullshit I want to spit at the TV) I like the kids and the creepy husband that is certainly up to something so sinister it involves a garage band! A garage band! Shudder. I don’t like that Susan and Mike split up. PUHLEEZE. But Bree and Andrew seem to have a surprisingly good relationship for a mother that left her son in the middle of the street. And Danielle is quite the biatch…eh, keeps me entertained…

Entourage: I cough cough sputter agree with Karol on this one. Blah. At least it’s only 30 minutes.

Well, I think that’s about it…looking forward to Lost and, yes, 24. Plus, of course, I’m watching the animated shows like Simpsons, south park, family guy and king of the hill. My apologies for all the typos…but you get the gist. Watch Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, and My Name is Earl or be square.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 at 3:41 am and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.