Where does the good go

My best friend’s wedding*

Pi is a genius. When she and Peih (who I have tried to assign a blogonym over the past three years, but nothing from Cash – Pee has stuck, so we heretofore just surrender to his name his mama gave him.) got engaged last year, she asked her three closest friends to be her honorable maids. Now, seeing that the three of us are completely different, with the exception that we are all super competitive Ivy League educated lawyers, Pi decided that “no one would be the maid of honor” – she may have used the words “you will all equally serve my every bridal need.” Of course, I heard “Dawn, you are really my maid of honor, but I don’t want Amanda and Emily to feel bad.” Although, I remember thinking how unlike Pi, she is usually quite willing to make people feel bad. In fact, she used to hire me out for the explicit purpose of making people she didn’t like feel bad without getting her hands dirty. Anyway, turns out Amanda and Emily also believed that they were secret Maid of Honor an alarming discovery when we all got together for our bridesmaids dress picking funapolooza. This gave rise to the “Battle for Head Bridesmaid 2008.” Amanda and I jumped out to an early lead in the competition with our nonchalant “whatever you want is fine with us,” answer to Pi’s “what kind of dress do you want to wear” question. Or I should say, Emily fell well behind with her “I don’t have any money…can’t I just wear a dress from my closet?” response. She got back in the running by sucking up to Pi’s mom when we went for the first fitting at the dressmaker because she’s the only one who speaks Chinese. And she’s little and sneakily charming.
Plus, Pi’s mom still hates me for packing bottled water in my suitcase for our trip to China.
Anyway, I would say we were all neck and neck going into Summer. Though Amanda insisted that because she was the tallest, she was default Head Bridesmaid. However, I chose a dress with a high neck collar, which everybody knows in Chinese culture clearly makes me the Head Bridesmaid.
Pi had moved to Brooklyn for the Summer into her under construction mansion, so no kitchen or refrigerator coupled with my gallbladder taking operation, meant that she spent many an evening cooking meals or grilling at my place while we watched horrible movies like Fool’s Gold and Made of Honor (I’m sorry, I meant horrible horrible horrible movies). Clearly, treatment reserved for the Head Bridesmaid. Amanda, seeing the crown slip from her head decided to throw a shower for Pi. A mini cakes and high tea themed shower…which, while lovely, I would have thrown a shower with full sized cakes and alcohol. Just sayin.’
When I offered to let some of the guests stay at my apartment during the wedding weekend, I casually added “as any good Head Bridesmaid would do.” Pi simply said “oh, Amanda is having guests stay at her place too.”
Unfortunately, I had a family emergency the week of the bridal shower, so I couldn’t make it. Which is now how Amanda addresses me every time I see her “Hello, girl who didn’t make it to Pi’s bridal shower” and she’s been signing emails “Head Bridesmaid.”
She lost major points though when we were flipping through the ipod and looking for Pi and Peih’s “first dance song.” (Yeah, note to Clareified’s betrothed male readers, if you insist that you and your beloved’s first dance song be “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot, she and her bridesmaids will choose your couple song without you! Actually, I kid, Peih’s first choice was “K-C and JoJo’s ‘All My Life.’) Anyway, where shuffling through the ipod and Amanda goes “you should use ‘As long as you love me’”
“No way, man! Backstreeet Boys suck, if you were really the Head Bridesmaid you’d know that Pi likes NSYNC, not Backstreet!”
We then spent the rest of the afternoon singing snippets of the popiest love songs ever known to man…I don’t know what she chose, but personally I’m hoping for “oops, I did it again.”
And as a reward for that suggestion I was tapped to give a speech at the reception.
“As Head Bridesmaid…”
“Well, Emily’s speaking too,” Pi quickly added.
And so we come to my last week of Head Bridesmaid sucking up.
Emily’s speaking assignment notwithstanding, this is clearly a battle between Amanda and I. Now, while Amanda has ingratiated herself with weekly cleanings of the manor – which per my personal motto of “I would help clean, but that would be like spitting in Abraham Lincoln’s face,” I cannot do – I have been obligingly helpful in errand running.
Going all the way to the edge of civilization to buy alcohol for the wedding
(which if left to Amanda would have been teabags) and house sitting the haunted mansion all by myself. (That I had a row with the Chinese food delivery guy and now they can never order from No. 1 Chinese restaurant ever again is so totally NOT my fault and should have no bearing on my Head Bridesmaid application.)

*Oh, for those of you who thought this post had anything to do with Karol’s announcement, you should know that as the I.C. has not yet asked my permission, all talks of any “engagement” are merely preliminary. It’s like a presidential exploration committee. When he files the paperwork with my office, you guys will be among the first to know my decision. He should also know that there is a hefty filing fee.

5 Responses to “My best friend’s wedding*”

  1. Karol Says:

    I’ll make sure to let IC know. You may be losing a brother, btw. Ron Lad said “I always wanted a brother”, no mention of a black sister.

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    HAHAHA, 17 years, two millenia, and ic walks in with his big tv and steals both my shiny siblings! Racists!

  3. Eric Says:

    And just what is wrong with Baby Got Back? It’s tooootaly romantic when a man, you know, accepts his woman for who she is. Besides, it had a romantic video.

    HAHAHA, 17 years, two millenia, and ic walks in with his big tv and steals both my shiny siblings! Racists!

    The IC has a big TV? Geez, what am I doing commenting on this small-TV blog?

  4. Dawn Summers Says:

    Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a big TV too! Just…not as big. Pout. I hate everybody. Racists!

  5. Karol Says:

    To quote Dawn: the IC has the biggest tv she’s ever seen in a private residence.

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