Pi is a genius. When she and Peih (who I have tried to assign a blogonym over the past three years, but nothing from Cash â€“ Pee has stuck, so we heretofore just surrender to his name his mama gave him.) got engaged last year, she asked her three closest friends to be her honorable maids. Now, seeing that the three of us are completely different, with the exception that we are all super competitive Ivy League educated lawyers, Pi decided that â€œno one would be the maid of honorâ€ â€“ she may have used the words â€œyou will all equally serve my every bridal need.â€ Of course, I heard â€œDawn, you are really my maid of honor, but I donâ€™t want Amanda and Emily to feel bad.â€ Although, I remember thinking how unlike Pi, she is usually quite willing to make people feel bad. In fact, she used to hire me out for the explicit purpose of making people she didnâ€™t like feel bad without getting her hands dirty. Anyway, turns out Amanda and Emily also believed that they were secret Maid of Honor an alarming discovery when we all got together for our bridesmaids dress picking funapolooza. This gave rise to the â€œBattle for Head Bridesmaid 2008.â€ Amanda and I jumped out to an early lead in the competition with our nonchalant â€œwhatever you want is fine with us,â€ answer to Piâ€™s â€œwhat kind of dress do you want to wearâ€ question. Or I should say, Emily fell well behind with her â€œI donâ€™t have any moneyâ€¦canâ€™t I just wear a dress from my closet?â€ response. She got back in the running by sucking up to Piâ€™s mom when we went for the first fitting at the dressmaker because sheâ€™s the only one who speaks Chinese. And sheâ€™s little and sneakily charming.
Plus, Piâ€™s mom still hates me for packing bottled water in my suitcase for our trip to China.
Anyway, I would say we were all neck and neck going into Summer. Though Amanda insisted that because she was the tallest, she was default Head Bridesmaid. However, I chose a dress with a high neck collar, which everybody knows in Chinese culture clearly makes me the Head Bridesmaid.
Pi had moved to Brooklyn for the Summer into her under construction mansion, so no kitchen or refrigerator coupled with my gallbladder taking operation, meant that she spent many an evening cooking meals or grilling at my place while we watched horrible movies like Foolâ€™s Gold and Made of Honor (Iâ€™m sorry, I meant horrible horrible horrible movies). Clearly, treatment reserved for the Head Bridesmaid. Amanda, seeing the crown slip from her head decided to throw a shower for Pi. A mini cakes and high tea themed showerâ€¦which, while lovely, I would have thrown a shower with full sized cakes and alcohol. Just sayin.â€™
When I offered to let some of the guests stay at my apartment during the wedding weekend, I casually added â€œas any good Head Bridesmaid would do.â€ Pi simply said â€œoh, Amanda is having guests stay at her place too.â€
Unfortunately, I had a family emergency the week of the bridal shower, so I couldnâ€™t make it. Which is now how Amanda addresses me every time I see her â€œHello, girl who didnâ€™t make it to Piâ€™s bridal showerâ€ and sheâ€™s been signing emails â€œHead Bridesmaid.â€
She lost major points though when we were flipping through the ipod and looking for Pi and Peihâ€™s â€œfirst dance song.â€ (Yeah, note to Clareifiedâ€™s betrothed male readers, if you insist that you and your belovedâ€™s first dance song be â€œBaby Got Backâ€ by Sir Mix-a-lot, she and her bridesmaids will choose your couple song without you! Actually, I kid, Peihâ€™s first choice was â€œK-C and JoJoâ€™s â€˜All My Life.â€™) Anyway, where shuffling through the ipod and Amanda goes â€œyou should use â€˜As long as you love meâ€™â€
â€œNo way, man! Backstreeet Boys suck, if you were really the Head Bridesmaid youâ€™d know that Pi likes NSYNC, not Backstreet!â€
We then spent the rest of the afternoon singing snippets of the popiest love songs ever known to manâ€¦I donâ€™t know what she chose, but personally Iâ€™m hoping for â€œoops, I did it again.â€
And as a reward for that suggestion I was tapped to give a speech at the reception.
â€œAs Head Bridesmaidâ€¦â€
â€œWell, Emilyâ€™s speaking too,â€ Pi quickly added.
And so we come to my last week of Head Bridesmaid sucking up.
Emilyâ€™s speaking assignment notwithstanding, this is clearly a battle between Amanda and I. Now, while Amanda has ingratiated herself with weekly cleanings of the manor â€“ which per my personal motto of â€œI would help clean, but that would be like spitting in Abraham Lincolnâ€™s face,â€ I cannot do â€“ I have been obligingly helpful in errand running.
Going all the way to the edge of civilization to buy alcohol for the wedding
(which if left to Amanda would have been teabags) and house sitting the haunted mansion all by myself. (That I had a row with the Chinese food delivery guy and now they can never order from No. 1 Chinese restaurant ever again is so totally NOT my fault and should have no bearing on my Head Bridesmaid application.)
*Oh, for those of you who thought this post had anything to do with Karolâ€™s announcement, you should know that as the I.C. has not yet asked my permission, all talks of any “engagement” are merely preliminary. Itâ€™s like a presidential exploration committee. When he files the paperwork with my office, you guys will be among the first to know my decision. He should also know that there is a hefty filing fee.