Catharsis
I started writing seriously when I got to high school. In elementary school it was mostly poems and short stories about children that were suspiciously exactly like me. “Molly was nine-years-old and she had no brothers or sisters.” “Jake was 11 and was very good at atari.” When I got to my high school as an eighth grade transfer student, I was a bundle of nerves and anger and insecurities. A hardcore public school kid, from a poor single parent household transplanted to a 24 acre prep school campus in the middle of one of the whitest neighborhoods in Brooklyn. God or fate or scheduling concerns –landed me in the English class of a kind woman named Mrs. Cattell-Gordon. She had a warm smile and always made sure to praise and encourage my writing — with notes and smiley faces, which I liked — but never in public, which she knew I didn’t like. I didn’t have a computer at home, so she let me use the ones in her classroom. By mid semester, she gave me my own key so I could work on my stories even when she wasn’t there. Eventually, I even let her read the stories I had written, though I always said no when she asked if she could publish them. I had three friends that first year at the PP, an angry white boy who hated the world — his sign of friendship to me was his promise that when he blew up the school, he would let me know ahead of time (this was pre-Columbine), a scared Jewish boy who used to get bullied on the bus, before I started sitting next to him as a warning to those who used to bully him and Mrs. Cattell-Gordon. Eventually, my ego and self esteem grew to the point which allowed me to let her publish my stories and then get indignant that she didn’t want to publish ALL my stories. But what I appreciated most about those days was knowing that I had a place where I could go, whenever I wanted and fire up the little Mac Classic and write whatever I wanted. Create whatever heroes I needed, unmasked the villians who had it coming. Through writing my life made sense. Or, more accurately, through writing I could make my life make sense.
This blog, or the many of secret blogs and specialty blogs, serve that same purpose. It was my space before there was myspace. In the past couple of years, I’ve censored myself out of fear of hurting feelings, or whatever, but right now — with my head throbbing and my mind racing and the clock telling me I have 9 hours until my job interview tomorrow.
It’s time to for me to stick this part of my life in a rectangle screen and make it make sense.
So here’s the situation:
I was good friends with this girl last year. Then she moved and got engaged. And in the past few months every time I’ve tried to im chat with her, she’s been distant to cold. I called to make plans with her, she agreed. I rented a movie that we were supposed to see together last year and everything. She didn’t show and the next day she texted something like “got back home later than I thought.” No apology, no nothing. I im her, like dude, what’s up with you. She brushes it off, says “nothing’s up.” A couple of weeks later she sends me an email where she says something like “look we obviously aren’t as close as we were. I think it’s because you’re mad at me for moving and I’ve been really busy with my new job and my new friends. And that’s why I think you always act expectant and upset for the last 4 months when we did talk.” Now, normally an email like this would be met with open mocking from me, because dude…ghez. But no, I sit down and actually write a very long, thoughtful email back to her, showing a much different perception of reality, and defending myself and saying look, she wants to stay friends, doesn’t want to stay friends - no hard feelings. I get no response back, though she then comments on my blog that a delayed response is not no response, but no response ever comes. For weeks. Months. Fine.
Last month one of our mutual friends calls me to ask if I got an invite to this girl’s wedding and suggests that we’d go together. I am a bit taken aback, as I have received no such invite to this wedding. So I casually say, “no, I wasn’t invited. I guess it’s going to be a small ceremony.” I shrug it off, but a couple of weeks later, I see her on IM and I say something like — so dude, this is it with us, right? And she’s all “no, don’t be silly, look, I’m actually going to be in your neighborhood Friday, let’s have drinks.” I’m all okay. She’s like, I’m having dinner, I’ll text you when it’s done and we’ll meet up. She never texts. And we don’t meet. The next week she apologizes saying she forgot.
Now, mutual friend, with a big mouth, is chatting with this chick and she’s all “why didn’t you invite Dawn?”
The girl says that she did invite me.
A message which our mutual friend passes on to me. Of course, I still don’t hear from the bride herself about the matter, until weeks later and she initiates an im with me, for the first time in a month, and says “is this your address? maybe you lost the invitation?” Which made me laugh.
I mean out loud. I snorted.
Given that the only mail I ever get are blockbuster videos, hmm…unless it was a video invite…that was sold to blockbuster and put on my queue…because those bastards would totally do that….but no, I watch all the crap they send me, so I would have noticed that, I called bullshit.To which she replied, no, she really did send it.
So I said I think she just felt bad about it at the last minute and lied. (Which, by the way, is what I would do and she should know that about me and not at all feel bad about not inviting me. I just don’t like her thinking I’m stupid.)
She totally all says fuck you and goodbye.
And I really wanted to say I think you told me that tens of different ways already during the last few months.
But I didn’t cause she logged out first.
Grr.
Anyway, mutual friend says look don’t throw your whole friendship away over this, you don’t go to her wedding, there’s no coming back from that. So, I make one final overture and say to her, look, if you want me there email me the details and I’ll make arrangements to go. Chick again doesn’t respond to that email. I want to bash my skull in because, oh my god, should I have bailed from this sinking ship months ago.
I obviously feel very foolish about the mature and above board way I’ve handled this whole thing. It is not like me and this is exactly why — the only thing you get when you take the high road is pigeon shit on your head. Whereas, on the low road, there is the possibility of getting comments. Grin.
Anyway, I tell mutual friend, “look, what did I tell you. She didn’t want me there and we both know why.” Anyway, the girl ims mutual friend today to say she didn’t like a post on my blog, so she didn’t reply to my email.
And mutual friend, instead of saying any number of things which I would have said in that instance, APOLOGIZES for my post with some bullshit like “oh, I’m sure Dawn didn’t mean that.”
Now, considering that mutual friend knows the entire story as I’ve laid it out here, I cannot for the LIFE of me imagine what she thinks I have to apologize for. In fact, there is not a single person that I have told this story to, even people that know I am often to always, the evil one, who has not taken my side in this completely.
That first girl ended our friendship. Obviously. I get that now, but I feel like on her way out she poisoned this one.
I have never ended a friendship in my life. It takes me such a long time to make friends that the waiting period, which lasts a minimum of months, but which can stretch to years, weeds out the too needy, or the boring or the users or the huggers.
So that once I consider someone a friend, that’s it. We may drift apart, or fight or see each only at reunions. But I will always feel comfortable in their company, I will never hesitate to speak my mind or sarcastically mock other people with them. Obviously, I’ve had people end friendships with me, though until today I’ve never had someone end a friendship with me by imming someone else and asking her to let me know. Although still, I don’t regret being friends with her. She was very smart and funny up until when she wasn’t either.
But today I realized that sometimes you need to end friendships. You need to man up and say to people you’re a dirty liar who borrows money and doesn’t pay it back and so get the hell out of my life. I have to say, I’ve envied CK’s honesty and straightforwardness with this girl.
I mean I let myself be treated like dirt for six months and still wasn’t the one to end that friendship!
But with me, there’s always a part that wants to believe the best about people. That wants to remember the friend that I had. And that part makes it hard to accept the friend that I have. But that’s just fear. Sigh. On the other hand, I like knowing that I would never throw a friendship away over a mistake or a harsh word or an email. On the other hand, I never again want to be that high road Dawn continually making excuses and forgiving the inexcusable and unforgiveable. But on the other…wait, how many hands do I get?
I guess I realize mutual friend was trying to preserve her own relationship with that girl, and boy, do I wish her good luck with handling that porcelain. But never in my life, have I been so sure that I did nothing wrong, that her response felt very much like betrayal.
See? And this is why pearatty needs to move to New York. Crap eight hours till my interview.
Oy.
My stomach hurts.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:58 am
You are just so wrong and you can’t believe it (and you should because throughout this whole nightmare, I have been right about everything–including this ending–and you have been right about nothing). For you to believe that I was trying to fix you guys so that I could preserve my friendship with him is laughable. And just plain wrong. Also, you do this whole bs heartfelt post but leave out some very, um, crucial details that matter A LOT to the story. Want to talk gay? This post was it. BTW, where’s my link?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Chicks, sheesh, thank God I don’t have ovaries.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Casca has a point here. This story has a lot to do with someone’s level of estrogen.
Great post.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Dawn, is totally right.
There is a book about what assholes women are when they end friendships — I think it’s called “The Friendship Crisis.” But basically, they do exactly what Girl 1 did here. Drop you, but mindfuck you by refusing to admit that they’ve dropped you, encouraging you to humiliate yourself over and over again until you’re so disgusted you don’t believe them anymore when they say “no no, there’s nothing wrong, let’s try again.” At which point they say “God, what took her so long to figure that out? And why is she all pissed? I mean, I can’t help it if I don’t like her anymore.” It’s a way of getting an ego boost out of someone you’re not willing to invest in anymore.
Girl 2, whatever. She sees both sides, is a little weak, but is trying to balance two friendships. If she were smart, she would have told both friends that she refused to be a conduit, which isn’t a very healthy or mature way to conduct relationships anyhow.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Casca has a point here. This story has a lot to do with someone’s level of estrogen.
I kill you. Do you not understand how to follow instructions? I’m so dealing you pocket kings all night. see how you like your testosteron then!
June 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Dawn, is totally right.
thanks pearatty, is it wrong that i read nothing past that sentence? Is it?
June 12th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
You are just so wrong and you can’t believe it (and you should because throughout this whole nightmare, I have been right about everything–including this ending–and you have been right about nothing).
hahahaha. You told me so. I know. And I told you. You should not have engaged her craziness on my behalf not even for a second. It’s kinda like what pearatty says, you should have refused to be a conduit for it — it’s not like she doesn’t have my email address, blog site, phone number and im name. There is a reason you have been used through this whole process, you just dont see that you are being used. Shoulder shrug.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Pearatty, you only think Dawn is right because she is leaving out huge details in this story which would color your perception in a major way (the only reason I am not writing the details out is because I do care about the immature retard who wrote this post and don’t want to add to her obvious pain). I have already outed myself as girl 2, and I assure you that having been party to their whole retarded relationship I assure you that I didn’t want to be their go between but I also didn’t want dawn taking to her bed (as she did) and being all sad about losing his friendship. I tried to help, not for the both of them, just for her. I have been nothing but on her side while she behaved like a asshole lunatic, including her writing of this post. If there’s anyone weak here, its Dawn. This is not how adults behave.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I wasn’t just right about one thing, I was right about everything. As for being used, again, you mistake me for someone with a vested interest in this. I have none. Wake the fuck up already. Seek help.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
For what it’s worth, I’ve been in a similar spot when a friend just stopped accepting my calls without any explanation. It can be very upsetting and frustrating, but then I realized something my Ma told me a long time ago. When you are rejected like that, it creates a natural impulse to want to recover the friendship. But if you take a step back and think about the situation, you are probably trying to be friends with someone who isn’t worth it.
I don’t know about Karol’s part in all of this, because as a third party, she probably is put in one of the most awkward, can’t-win spots. But for you Dawn, I say fuck it. This chick is out of town anyway, and long distance relationships rarely work. Save the money for flight/hotel and throw a poker game instead.
I feel ya on this one.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
i’ve also just recently been in a similar situation and my ex-friend also didn’t have the balls to tell me she wanted to end it. it’s a pretty cold, heartless move, and looking back on it, i see that fourteen years of our friendship was basically thrown away because she doesn’t really know what friendship means. she had done this before with some of her other friends, but i didn’t realize what a fake person she was until it happened to me. what i took away from that whole episode is that i am a complete sucker as i thought i could be honest with this person, when in reality people very rarely like to be honest. they prefer to live in a fucking make believe pretty little shallow world instead of investing in friendships. so yeah, i’m totally with you on this one, dawn.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Yes, Dawn. I think that you are ‘totally right’ based on what I read so far. But, I also think ‘Girl 1′ has her/his own interesting side of the story. Just being fair.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
This is so none of my beeswax but was the gender of the friend male, not female? ‘Cause that’s even worse in a way. This is a good example of why I don’t blog, anytime you get personal people get pissed off. I have enough foot in mouth disease as it is. Anyway regardless of the twat or twat-ette who became persona non grata (who btw you are completely better off without - only knowing one side of the story, there are very few things for which it is ok to jilt a friend - a real friend if that’s what it was - growing apart/time/distance that sort of thing not included, and even if you killed their dog or something they still should have had the good grace not to behave like a teenage girl) D & K kiss and make up please. I only know one of you but I like both of your blogs and K needs all the liberal friends she can to balance out the crazy.
Again sorry is not my business but in my experience there are certain impasses in a friendship which cannot be overcome and while it may hurt to lose someone you once trusted there really is no point fighting it if one wants out. I’m sure it’s all more complicated than I can grasp here though.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Dawn and I will be fine. I think we both know that.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I don’t know both sides, it’s true, but Dawn is a very talented writer. Definitely on your side on this Dawn but be careful, it seems like you might be growing a heart. You might want to get that looked at.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Sama ti, fine.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Hey Girl 2, you’ll note that I didn’t necessarily say that it was Girl 2 who was being immature and unhealthy by running the relationship through a conduit.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Wow. This is almost as bad as that Doree Shafrir relationship bit Karol linked to the other day. There’s a reason stuff like this should be saved for actual diaries (the Hello Kitty kind with the lock) … it’s to save all parties the embarrassment.
And if Friend 1 was a dude, then you’re obviously leaving all sorts of shit out–sexual tension, past crushes, a fiancee that might have objections to the relationship–that would be germane to this story.
But other than that, I’m on team Dawn.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
hahahhaha I have a Hello Kitty diary with a key!!! It’s pink. Will switch over to that format. Hey and congrats on the wedding thing, Snaps!
June 13th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
When did Ken get all smart?
And Pearatty, I know you didn’t say anything bad about me but I’m not weak and I’m just so sure that if you, specifically, knew the whole story you’d see things differently. That’s not to say I’m on his side, at all, just that Dawn left out all kinds of convenient details to let her audience decide.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Your first paragraph reads like great literature. It is one of the best things you have written.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
“Dawn left out all kinds of convenient details to let her audience decide.”
Karol just called Dawn Fox News.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Dawn is totally right. Because I don’t know Girl #1 and even if she were right, you still have to side with Dawn.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Karol just called Dawn Fox News.
She really did, but what she doesn’t know is that girl 1 read and edited the “here’s the situation” part, so both of us agree on the facts.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
You fuckers. You know who you are. You don’t even watch Fox News.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:06 am
I don’t even watch Fox News.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:11 pm
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