By: Clareified » Blog Archive » Hi Kumail Nanjiani, the comedian’s mom

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:14:30 +0000

[...] Back when the inimitable Charles Star used to host comedy shows at the now-closed Magnetic, I saw a young South Asian comic there. He was nonstop funny from start to finish. I blogged about it here. He was so funny I put him on my list of “comics I will follow around!” So, when Ugarles said Kumail Nanjiani was performing in a one man show at the UCB, I was in like Flynn. The show started Islamic call to morning prayer, which to the infidel ears sounds a lot like nondescript wailing. From there the show is a tour through his Muslim childhood in Pakistan, where from a young age he was taught that heaven was to be reached by walking across a razor sharp wire draped across the fiery pit of hell. “Yeah, every day at four in the morning I’m thinking about razor sharp wires cutting into the soles of my feet as I walk across the fiery pits of hell…I was six!” Honey was also a big part of the Islamic faith. It was good to like honey and things with honey in it…”I didn’t like honey. Not at all…to me it tasted like something squeezed out of an insect’s butt.” He then talked about how his dad was a doctor and how doctors had been targeted with violence. At one point his father got a letter threatening to kidnap his oldest son. “And can you believe that my parents didn’t even tell me? Dude, I was the kid in that napping! I could just be walking along and some guy in a van would pull up and be like ‘hey little boy’ want some honey?” From there he talked about getting ready to go to college in America. His mother said she wasn’t worried about sending him to the US because she had trained him to be a good Muslim and that is faith would protect him from the corruption here. So wrapped in that protective shield, he went off the the corrupt, sinful, raunchy state of …Iowa! At the Des Moines airport the customs officer looked at his passport and declared his name to be “unpronounceable.” (Also the name of the show.) After his first year at college his mother begins to arrange a marriage for him. Her first choice, his first cousin. “Really, mom? You couldn’t throw, say, a wider net?” After a few years at Grinnel, he begins to question his faith and eventually undergoes an existential crises one day at 4 a.m. “I know it’s cliche, but you don’t choose when your existential crises come.” He started smoking constantly “really, I think this is how cigarettes should be marketed ‘come on…what’s the point of life anyway? Have a Marlboro.” He eventually gives up Islam, decides to move to Chicago, while his family moves from Pakistan to New Jersey “the Pakistan of America, by the way.” His mom starts to figure out the internet and one day his brother calls to let him know that “mom just found out on myspace that you’re an athiest and in a relationship.” D’oh. They have a touching conversation about it and come to an understanding never to speak of it again. “Of course, now my mother thinks the only use of the internet is to find out how I’m doing.” She googles my name all day long –”oh, Kumail, this new blogger just thinks you are hilarious.” At which point Ugarles turned to me and said “I’ll get you the correct spelling of his name.” And I laughed out loud. I’m such a hits whore. But mostly a comment whore, so please comment Kumail Nanjiani’s mom. Hi! Your son is hilarious. Here’s a myspace video of one of his sets that Fish sent me a couple of months ago, so you too can share in the hilarity that is Kumail. Kumail Stand-up at the Lincoln Lodge [...]

By: Ari

Ari — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 06:29:09 +0000

So much more fun than actually being there is reading about it days in pjs

By: Dawn Summers

Dawn Summers — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:17:52 +0000

And why is F-Train keeping you away from her?

I wonder why F-Train bought me a new peanut butter body butter .

I don’t know, that bitch is craaazzzyy.

By: BWoP

BWoP — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:00:31 +0000

Who’s this CK person? And why is F-Train keeping you away from her?

I wonder why F-Train bought me a new peanut butter body butter . . .

By: Fisch

Fisch — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 18:49:38 +0000

Wait so you’re the ho and she’s the bro? I’m confused.
And I wouldve protected you just because I didn’t like the way he looked.

By: KJ

KJ — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 18:02:48 +0000

In sum, I was a genius, a fool and a great-lovely-caring boyfriend. Not too bad.

By: Ugarles

Ugarles — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:25:52 +0000

Correct! You are pieces of meat, unworthy of respect!

By: Karol

Karol — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:26:00 +0000

Why do you insist on putting an “e” in “ho”? We are not gardening tools!

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