Clareified

Well, in the spirit of the Lenten season of penance and I dunno good will, I hereforth present you with the latest installment of here are the dozens of movies Dawn Summers has watched in the last three weeks, save yourselves:

Martian Child
Okay, this pick was totally my fault. I mean, the reviews were bad, the trailer was bad, the premise was bad – but I just wanted to believe that somehow this movie would be good. I mean, the Cusak twins! Come on, that’s always a good time. And could it possibly be as bad as all the signs suggested? Yes. Yes it could. And it was. So bravo makers of this crappy crappy movie. You made quite the crappy movie. Now, given that the movie involves a widower who adopts a kid who thinks he’s from Mars, you would think there would at least be that schmaltzy Lifetime movie of the week factor to give it some redeeming quality…but again, nope. Oh, Lloyd Dobler, what has become of your judo dreams?

Gracie
Okay, yet another offering from Hollywood siblings. This time Liz and Adam(?) Andy(?) Shue. The box cover for this movie said something like “If you liked Bend it Like Beckham you will LOVE GRACIE!” So, I thought to myself, heeey, I liked Bend it Like Beckham! This is the movie for me!” Well, let me assure you that there was some awful awful typo the box should have read “If you liked Bend it Like Beckham, you should rent that again and leave Gracie right here on the shelf, where it should collect dust and never be placed in a DVD player…ever.” Really, I need to get a job writing taglines for boxes. Oh, um…the movie is about a girl, who is not good at soccer, by the way, trying out for the boys varsity soccer team because her brother, who was good at soccer, was killed in a car accident.

Glory Road
Okay, this movie was a gimmee. Uplifting tale about black college students breaking through in college basketball. I liked it, was rooting my head off for them AND they get to beat Pat Riley’s basketball team to win the championship! (Oh, sorry, did I ruin it for you? Um…well, here’s another shocker, Prince Charming finds the girl who lost the glass slipper at the ball!)

Game Plan
This was playing on Mary’s flight out to LA when we went to Australia and I was soo jealous. Of course, she is evil and hates children, so she didn’t like this movie at all. I, on the other hand, loved it! It stars The Rock, who I adore. Oh yeah, 1999, when I ran around saying “can you smeeellllll what the Dawn is cooking?” And um, suck it, really stuck with me…though I never could bring myself to adopt the gesture. Anyway, I like to think of this movie as the Tom Brady story, if, ten years from now, he’s still smoking hot. Oh, and if he’d never won a superbowl and was facing his last season as a championship contender. For some reason, the movie couldn’t say “Superbowl” but the finale culminates in a Boston vs. New York showdown, with the Rock helming the Boston team. In the final moments the score is 13 – 7 New York, but this time the game ends the way it’s supposed to. Sob. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. Eventually. Oh, and the Rock learns to love. There is a cute noncheesy twist that you don’t see coming…so, don’t yell at me.

Saw IV
Okay, I know this is crazy to say, but this is the movie that really gets the Jigsaw mythos right. I mean, I loved the first one and because it was the first, it’s still the best, but IV really gives it a run for it’s money in terms of bringing home the idea that we are responsible for the choices we make in our lives. Like if you’re a sadistic, pervert voyeur you can choose to keep your sight or your life. Or if you’re in an abusive relationship you can sever the ties that bind or bleed to death while you do nothing. That was my favorite. Ah.
Save as I save, indeed.
And yes, there was blood.

There will be blood
See, how I did that segue there? I’m awesome. Okay, so this was a movie theater movie. I went into it knowing absolutely nothing – not running time, plot, nothing. I was a little wary during the first twenty minutes that I was in for a mind numbing suckfest. But no! Obviously, it’s Daniel Day Lewis, so awesome is a given; but the actor that plays his nemesis is also incredible. The movie sets itself up as a good versus evil morality tale, but the whole time you’re just not sure which is which –even though the one guy is literally a slick oil salesman and the other is a baby faced preacher. There are so many great scenes in the movie – the scene where Lewis has just left his injured son behind to go look after the oil well and his worker says “Is [your son] alrighht” and he just deadpans “No, he is not.” Was simply brilliant. And the last twenty minutes are rife with so many good lines, I was repeating them nonstop all weekend. Let’s just say the next person who pisses me off is so getting called a bastard in a basket. Oh and the music was just perfectly set to every scene.

Brave One
This movie was another example of me refusing to believe that a movie could be as bad as it looked. I mean, oh for the love of Mary! It’s Jodi Foster. She’s an OSCAR winner. A YALE Grad and sure except for that misstep playing the hooker in Maverick with Mel Gibson, she really hasn’t steered me wrong. But jeezaloo was this movie craptacular. First, her fiancé is killed, then she’s attacked in a 7/11 and then she’s assaulted on a subway car…and all of this supposedly happens within a six week period in the summer in New York. Puuuuhhhllleeeeaassssee. And as if that isn’t bad enough, which, I assure you, it is, she then goes rogue vigilante and manages to end up in a relationship with the cop that’s looking for the vigilante! O the dilemma! Groan/Eyeroll. It’ll be a long time coming before I rent another Foster flick. Who am I kidding? I still love her. But I’m mad at her. So there.

Assasination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford

Well, this movie wins the longest title for no good reason award. I mean, honestly. The movie was well done. I like narration. That Casey Affleck kid was very good as the coward, Brad Pitt believeableish as Jesse James. Eh, it was fine. Coulda been shorter, I mean we already know Jesse James gets assassinated and we even know whodunit. That coward Robert Ford. Says so right there in the overly long title. No need for an overly long movie to go with it. Oh and what a waste of the talented Mary-Louise Parker. The movie is like 18 hours long and she has four lines. Tops. Dumb.

The Usual Suspects

Pi found it appalling that I didn’t really remember anything about this flick, so I decided to rent it. I’m going to assume that, like the Crying Game, you all know the big secret already. Um, on second thought, I won’t assume it because I think the movie is kinda dumb without the twist ending, so to the extent you don’t know, you should see it. But if you do know, it’s kinda your standard cops and robbers movie. Although the Baldwin in it was actually quite good. And Benicio is funny.

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle
Karol is always reading Dorothy Parker poems to me over the phone. And while I’ve never been a poetry person per se I’ve always enjoyed them. So, I decided to rent this flick about her life. It was dull. Poets and Writers in general don’t make interesting topics for movies unless Kathy Bates has broken their legs and is holding them captive in a secluded cabin. Just sayin. That said, still love the Dorothy Parker poems. I started reading them by the pageful after seeing that movie and really it’s a wonder that people still write at all. She has said all that needed to be said on so many topics in the most efficiently succinct ways.
Superfluous Advice
Should they whisper false of you,
Never trouble to deny;
Should the words they say be true,
Weep and storm and swear they lie.

More poems here, all worth a read.

RV
Umm…Robin Williams is married to Cheryl Hines, takes the kids on a roadtrip…hijnx ensue. This movie was bad, yes, but not as bad as I thought it would be. Some impressive performances by Will Arnett and…okay…just from Will Arnett. Why oh why do I live in a world where Home Improvement gets seven seasons but Arrested Development only three?

Talk To Me
This movie was great. Don Cheadle was great, the female lead was great (oh man, when she catches him in her bed with another chick and takes a knife to his throat…watch out!) I loved every minute of this movie…it’s fun, sad, uplifting…It’s about radio personality
Petey Greene and his manager, who also goes on to be a radio personality. I highly recommend it.

Amazing Grace
Funny story. So I ended up renting this movie about an abolitionist’s efforts to end the slave trade in Britain because I thought it was the movie about the girl who wanted to play soccer on the boys Varsity team. So, I ended up getting two bad movies for the price of one. We call that the Dawn Summers win.

Who’s Your Caddy?
Um. Don’t judge me.

Mr. Woodcock
Oh man, Susan Sarandon…what the hell has happened to your career? What’s next? Snow Dogs 2? This movie wasn’t funny or gross or anything you’d expect a sophomoric comedy to be. It was just dumb. Mindnumbingly dumb.

So there you have it. I report, you decide.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.