Clareified

I went to sleep at something like 6:30 am. For some reason, less than four hours later, my phone started ringing. I ignored it, it rang again…this continued for hours. Finally, at 1:06 PM I checked my phone and instead of say, my mother, it was satan.
No need to call satan back, I said about to go back to sleep…oh, wait a minute! It’s Sunday…I scanned around my TV channels looking for Tom…er… The Patriots.
Finding nothing, I planned to text Alceste to find out what channel they were on. But first, one more pass through, starting at the beginning!
I see the Patriots jumping up and down because the Jets’ punt was way inside some line. Booo…I came in during the non-Tom time, otherwise known as “how long till Tom?” time.
Happily, “How long till Tom”? time was lightning quick. The Jets quarterback passed to Patriot guy and Patriot guy scored a touchdown. We call these the touchdown passes Tom Brady completes with his mind.

I ended up on the phone with satan reliving the poker tournament which KJ and Ron Lad chopped last night, though KJ came first. That kid has been a machine since he started playing at my house, I think he’s made the final six every time. He’s like the anti-Fisch.

I see one of the Jets guy run half way down the field.
“HIIITT HHIIMMM,” I scream.
“You need help,” comes the reply from the other end of the line.
“What, they practically let that dude run all the way to…Boston? Where is the game being played?”
“What does it say on the field?”
“Um…it says Patriots on one end and Jets on the other.”
“What?”
I now trigger my Columbo skills.
“Wait…there’s snow on the ground, so it’s probably Jersey…oh…wait…Boston is in the same region, so they’ve probably got snow too.”
Hmm. This is an IMPOSSIBLE mystery to solve.
I give up.
As I do with all my impossible mysteries.
Anyway, Tom Brady is back.
YAY!
He’s so dreamy.
Stupid Moss can’t hold on to the perfectly passed Tom Brady football.
But hey, means more Tom Brady time.
I am evidently saying all of this out loud.
“GUY! Stop it! They are playing the JETS! I like the JETS!”
“Eh…who cares what you like.”
“Do you know how bad it will be if they lose to the Jets.”
“Um… as bad as if they lost to the Ravens or the Redskins. Losing is bad, guy. You may not understand that being a fan of a team that has lost and all.”
“No, it’s like losing to Miami.”
“Okay, losing to Miami would be bad…very very bad.”
Karol’s other mom calls and she hangs up.
I decide to live blog the game so I can seem way cooler than I actually am. And now, you’re all caught up. My DVR is paused (so actual times may vary) and here we go.
1:48 Hi Tom (insert wave) They are using the orange string thing to measure. I remember that orange string thing from my youth, you’d think we’d have upgraded to the iphone measurer by now.
1:50 Frickin stupid idiot kicking guy. Let me be clear, I LOVE Tom Brady, I support the Patriots, I HATE the stupid idiot kicking guy what kind of name is Gostkowski anyways, you stupid moron that cant kick at 46 yard field goal, so Dawn loses her sports bet parlay for the Pats to win and combine for more than 47 points, by a freaking half point. HATE THAT guy…wooo…10 nothing. Still hate him.
1:53 Where’s Tom Brady, where’s Tom Brady…not on the field, not on the field, guess I can’t forward, guess I can’t fast forward…I mean, shouldn’t, I mean shouldn’t….
1:55 I LOVE YOU TOOOOOMMMM! Tee heee. When I was in Vegas, I was over at Treasure Island at a poker table with Otis, Satan and KJ, watching replays of Pittsburgh getting their asses handed to them by half a point less than they should have (gitdang Gostkowski) and I’m watching the Tom Brady interviews and waving hello to him while the table laughs at me. I say “what? I respect his talent and skill.” Otis points at the busty, scantily clad waittress and says “yeah, and I respect hers.”
1:50 Whoa, did you see the field for that Buffalo/Cleveland game…how on earth is the score 5-0? FIVE?
2:01 Number 10 sucks…is Tom going to have to throw and catch for himself?
2:01 OHH NOOOOO….what the hell…seriously dude?? Number 6 is on my list. How do you DROP the ball?? So you know why that’s a saying…”oh he dropped the ball?” It’s cause, it’s bad and YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DROP THE BALL! If the Jets win this game, I’m coming for you.
2:03 Oh, but upside…Tom’s back! And this time…it’s personal.
2:09 Back to back first downs! Yay!
2:11 The ref’s is so retarded. Does he think Tom is not going to kick his ass after the game? Cause if he does…
2:12 Stupid Jets. Stupid refs.
2:13 HANSON! You’re on my list Hanson.
2:14 YYEEAAAHHH Quarterback SACK! HAHAAAHAHA Pennington sucks.
2:16 New England takes over AT THE THREEE!!! Come on PATS!
2:18 I never thought I’d say this…I miss Will and Grace. (Just saw a commercial with Jack for Bucket list)
2:19 TOUCHDOWN NEW ENGLAND. Go Maroney, it’s Your birthday.
2:20 Still hate you Idiotkowski.
2:23 Mother just called. Resisting impulse to say “Dude. Game is on.” Instead going with series of “uh huh”s suddenly understanding divorce rates.
2:24 Eat grass Pennington. EAT IT.
2:26 Hmmm…Halftime? Suddenly fast forwarding through Not Tom Brady time seems…shortsighted.
2:34 That wasn’t bad…how come the Half time reports get such bad raps? I found it very informative. Patriots are playing in a place called Foxboro, which, even though I don’t know Jersey, sounds like it’s in Massachusetts.
2:38 Ruh roh…two minutes and Pennington is still on his feet. Where are my Pats?
2:39 ENOUGH with the whistle. I want to make those prison uniform guys eat their whistles. Why hit the ball as opposed to catch the ball?
2:40 BRAY DEE BRAY DEE BRAY DEE BRAY DEE Why does Satan keep calling me? The. Game. Is. On.
2:42 Women. Rake. Nuff Said.
2:43 Hi Tom. Insert wave. Dude. Stop harrassing Tom about his only ten completions. How many completions do you have Phil Simms? Jackass.
2:44 Uh oh. I’ve never seen Tom Brady get intercepted before. I’m scared. I blame Idiotskowski or Hanson. Stupid Hanson.
2:49 Oh thank Gawd that we got out of that without a score. I couldn’t breathe.
2:53 Why are you running right into the clump of defenders Maroney? Why?
2:54 Okay, Phil Simms, I get it. You used to play for the Giants. Blah blah blah
2:56 It’s okay Tom. I still love respect you.
2:59 Pennington looks like that kid from SuperBad.
3:00 Boooo. Wilson didnt even touch him. Much. That ref is going DOWN.
3:10 Maroney is just taking a beating today.
3:11 FINALLY A good call from that dumbface ref.
3:!2 How many black quarterbacks are there in the NFL?
3:13 Let’s go Tommy, let’s go.
3:14 Football games have the best soundtracks.
3:18 So sick. Ugh.
3:19 Did that guy just bite Thomas? Dude. The Jets are savages.
3:23 Ouch.
3:25 I miss Tom. This is the longest drive in American history.
3:27 Told my mom I’d come pick her up at 3:30…still in pajamas…not gonna happen…
3:29 Nooo more breaks…I’m going to get disowned.
3:33 FIRST DOWN! THANK GOD.
3:34 RANDY MOSS IS A MOOOONNNNSSSSTTTEEEERRRRRR!!!! YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 45 yard pass complete. There’s Tom Brady. I wondered where he was.
3:36 Heart in my throat. Almost a second pick.
3:37 I like when a field goal is as good as a toucdown for New England.
3:38 WHA…but…but…Sack? Tom Brady? I…I…don’t understand…did they mean Pennington? Was it Pennington? Groan. Idiotkowski almost kicks it wide. I HATE THAT GUY SOOOO MUCH.
3:41 Stop it. WHY do the refs HATE the Patriots soo much…they are AT HOME!! We’re going to need to work on that in the post season. And my “work on” I mean with fists.
3:43 I’m ill. This is so stressful.
3:44 NO WAY. He so did not have possession. (No idea what that means, but evidently it’s good for Tom if he didn’t, so he didn’t.) Oh man my mom is so gonna kick my ass. Patriots better not lose this game.
3:47 Woooo. No touchdown!
3:48 Can’t watch.
3:50 BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA…..BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH…BAHAHAHAHHAH…Nugent is worse than IDIOTKOWSKI.
3:58 Can I safely leave with :37 on the clock?
3:59 Why is the clock stopppeeddd?? waaa
4:00 14-0. Yeah. Yeah.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Sunday, December 16th, 2007 at 2:58 pm and is filed under Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.