Alceste is the only person I know in real life who shares my obsession with televisions. Not TV shows, mind you, I remain alone and unrivaled in my television show obsession, I mean with TVs. He also is the only person I know who has a bigger flatscreen television than I do. And oh, does it eat at my soul.
So, that’s the first thing you need to know about my trip to Jersey City to watch the Patriots game at casa del Alceste.
The second thing you need to know is that KJ, who is most definitely NOT Clareified person of 2007, is an evil, horrible traitor.
Oh, and third, I now know everything about football after three hours of firing questions at Alceste.
To which he coolly responds “I only answered her questions, there’s lots more she doesn’t know.”
(The funniest moment in our exchange was me asking him what other quarterbacks wore the number 12 and him responding “I don’t know football numbers through history. I’m a dork, just not that big of a dork.”)
Okay, so you’re all caught up.
It’s Saturday night, Dawn 2 has graciously agreed to host our impromptu gathering at her house, buy us snacks AND Tivo the game in case we hit traffic and missed kick-off.
Which, we did.
We get to Alceste’s apartment building at around 9. KJ has been sitting suspiciously quietly in the backseat, his little evil face aglow in the light of his iphone.
After we park the car, and get inside the elevator, KJ says “score is 7-3…sorry, I had to tell you.”
I give him the patented Dawn Summers death stare.
“Just kidding…okay, I’m not kidding, but I’m not going to tell you who has 7…okay, it’s the Giants. Sooorrrrrrry, I couldn’t hold it in.”
Then I laugh, cause now I know he’s joking.
7-3 GIANTS. BAHAHAHHAHAH Yeah effing right.
“Dude. Don’t say stuff like that, I murder you.”
So, we’re laughing our little hearts out, we get inside, sit on the couch and Alceste gears up the game.
I had been amusing people all day long with my hope that the Giants would just roll over.
I would stand there, all adorable in my Tom Brady jersey, with my hands in my jeans pockets and randomly look up at Alceste and say “the Giants won’t fight this will they? They’re just going to let the Patriots get their records and nobody gets hurt right?”
And he would laugh at me and tell me horror stories about the Colts and something called Peyton Manning. Oh yeah, we have to google that right after we finish this post.
Anyway, Alceste’s TV showed the HD channels so crisp and clear, I felt like I was right there. Whenever Tom Brady would come on the screen, I’d be like “oh my gosh, I feel like he can see me…I should go change…he knows I’m not really number 12…he’s number 12…he’s so dreamy.”
And then I would wave at him and say hi Tom.
And then he would say “Hi Dawn!”
And then Dawn 2 would say “I think he was talking to me that time.”
And I would say “damn it.”
Anyway, we’re watching the game and not five minutes goes by before the Giants are at something and goal and I’m starting to think stupid KJ wasn’t lying after all.
Sure enough, I’m staring at the bad news 7-3. GIANTS.
My heart is pounding.
Where are the Patriots? I do not understand. Why is stupid Eli Manning standing there with a smirk on his face and…oh…no….how come that Giants guy has the ball and nobody is hitting him and now the Giants are in the lead again…Manning didn’t even take the field.
Grrr…Maroney…why are you dancing???
And obviously, it just got worse.
Alceste went to the kitchen to get beers and asked if anyone else wanted anything and I said “yes, can you please get me the Patriots, so that they can get in this game and beat the Giants like they’re supposed to?”
When the Giants were up by twelve and Bryant Gumbel was all blah blah blah about how Moss hadnâ€™t caught a pass all third quarter, KJ was pointing and laughing.
“HAHAHAH…It’s because you’re wearing Brady’s jersey. You’re Jessica Simpson!! HAHAHAAHHAAH”
“Shut up, you stupid Jets fan…you like Jersey so much, I’m leaving you here.”
And he did like it. When we got there, Dawn 2 gave him chips and salsa and he was all “wow, I never get this at your house, Dawn…Alceste…can we switch Dawns? I like this one waaaaay better.”
“I don’t care if the Patriots lose, KJ. It doesn’t matter. And whatever, we still lost less than any other team, so suck it.”
Alceste was all “heey, don’t give up. They were down 10 against Baltimore with only nine minutes…this isn’t that bad.”
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it,” I said, ever the picture of grace under pressure.
And then…well…you know, this story has a happy ending.
The Patriots found a way to…um…oh yeah…WIN.
I’m still not sure if the most awesome play was when Brady threw deep to Moss and Moss missed and everyone was all “blah blah blah Moss should have caught that ball…what a turning point…if Moss catches that ball then New England is right back in this, but now its 3rd and long…” and before Gumbel can even finish his sentence, Brady is going deep to Moss again and Moss is jogging into the endzone. Touchdown PATS! And we retake the lead.
Or if the most awesome play is Brady then holding up two fingers to signal that they’re going for 2 and Maroney just diving into the endzone.
Or is it stupid Eli Manning throwing an interception to Hobbs. HAHAHA and the Patriots returning it for a touchdown.
Oh man, so many moments, so little football knowledge to be able to write about it. Once the tide turned and Vrabel recovered the offside…(inside?) kick, KJ was suddenly chanting for New England.
“Oh no. You’re ass is staying in Jersey. Dawn 2 will feed you chips and salsa while you root for Jersey football teams.”
“No, Dawn. Come on. Obviously I was kidding. Tom Brady is awesome. 16-0! 16-0! 16-0!”
Shut it. Call me Jessica Simpson. You’re walking back to Brooklyn, buddy.
After he paid his due penance…which involved laps around Alceste’s building, we were back in Brooklyn.
His true colors reemerged.
“How are you going to feel when the Patriots lose in the post season and they’re out,” he asked as I drove up the Parkway.
“I don’t know,” I said, “I’ve never seen the Patriots lose.”