Clareified

I never quite know how to start this every year…so here goes Dawn Summers’ annual I watch all this crap you don’t have to:

Back to You

A couple of years ago I declared the live action sitcom dead, then Arrested Development and My Name is Earl made me choke on my words, and of course, as a devotee of The Office and How I Met Your Mother, I am firmly back to giving the LAS a fair chance. That said, I hated Cheers and Frasier and think Patricia Heaton is a self righetous hypocritical moron, who has one dimensional acting “talent,” so…I didn’t want to like this show. And after the premiere, I happily didn’t. The premise is that Kelsey Grammar gets fired from his big job in LA and has to return to the Pittsburgh newscast where he got his start. It was chock full of pointless sexual innuendo, the stereotypical hot Latina, bumbling fat guy, incoherent old dude and well, as many cliches as the writers could pack into one episode. It sucked. Unfortunately, I had Tivoed the second episode as well…and well, there’s ten minutes of Kelsey Grammar killing goldfish that should enter the annals of classic television. I am still giggling my head off. (Essentially he is the father of Patricia Heaton’s kid, but since he bailed on her when she got pregnant, she doesn’t want to let him be part of the kid’s life, so when he gets a goldfish as a welcome back present to the network he tries to use it to prove what a responsible parent he could be…hijinks ensue and at the end he confesses “oh, you’re right, five minutes with this kid and I’ll be making a trip to the orphanage to get a new one” hahahahaah. But the third episode sucked, so we are giving this show 10 Patricia Heatons, which is 10 more than anyone needs. Skip it.

Cavemen

Okay, premise…um…cavemen live among us in their unevolved state. These play Nintendo Wii and have traveler’s cheques. Okay, now, in this case, I wanted to like this show because it just seemed like such an easy target to poop on. Alas, it sucked. On every level. The cavemen are two dimensional copies of single guy characters we’ve seen a million times, the chicks are just pretty dumbulbs and there’s no hook to keep you coming back…plus, the Geico commercials are funnier. Half a Darwin.

Carpoolers

I love when I find out shows have been canceled because the main characters start showing up in new shows. Goodbye Hope and Faith, we hardly knew ye…and Jordan’s Crossing I guess. Okay, um…wow the depths of sucking that this show managed to hit…incredible. Bad writing, bad acting, terrible characters, AND the premise?? Four guys thrown together to save time on the way to work even though Jerry OCconnell-Romjin’s character is psychotic? Vomitocious. I don’t have a ranking system that would accurately reflect how bitter I am about the 22 minutes of my life lost watching this sludge.

Chuck

Ever since the movie Cats and Dogs, I’ve been obsessed with Hollywood’s idea of “geeky,” Chuck is the perfect example. That they really think that a guy that looked like that would have trouble getting girls because he’s a geek was almost enough for me not to watch this show at all. That they believe that a veteran CIA agent would look like that chick didn’t help…but I did like Firefly and so I guess my television addiction coupled with the Firefly guy was enough for me to give the show a chance. The premise, the hapless Chuck ends up becoming the keeper of all of our country’s sensitive secrets and now the CIA and NSA has to team up to protect him, while he randomly uses the info in his head to occasionally save the world…at least for the next six months at which point our secrets will be up and running in a proper computer and Chuck will be eliminated!!!!! Exclamation points for emphasizing the danger and excitement and intrique and…yeah…yawn. This show is a snoozefest. The only character I like is the Firefly guy. And Captain Awesome. Just cause I think a character like that would be hilarious on another show like Scrubs or My Name is Earl. But after two weeks, Chuck is unwatchable.

Pushing Daisies

Oh My Gosh, I haven’t so completely fallen in love with a show since Six Feet Under slammed a bus into the dad’s hearse killing him in the series opener. The narrator is hysterical, the color is beautiful, Ned is perfectly cast, Chuck (but this time a girl) isn’t even as irritating as the female leads usually are. Oh, and I like the Boston Public black guy. I’m just afraid that they won’t be able to sustain this no touching thing for very long before it becomes inane…like if the black guy hates Chuck so much why doesn’t he just push Ned into her? This would have been an amazing movie…but anyway, here we are. It’s a smart, funny show (and who doesn’t like a one-eyed Swoozie Kurtz…come on!) I wish the other aunt was someone famous too, though…like Bea Arthur…okay, maybe that’s too old…but somebody really good and funny. I’m looking forward to watching this develop.

Dirty Sexy Money

Speaking of Six Feet Under…NAARRRMMMMM! Nate’s back! And he’s alive! This show is pretty good…I wanna say if you liked Arrested Development, you’ll enjoy the dysfunction of the Darlings. The premise is that Nate (or whatever his character’s name is in this show) becomes the family lawyer for a prominent/crazy/rich family in NY. The father seems devious and shady, the kids all have their quirks, none more hilarious than the priest with a bastard son and a deep abiding hatred for Nate (like he attacked Nate at the church, while wearing his priest outfit) crazy! Then there is the late episode introduction of the possibility that one of the Darlings had Nate’s father murdered…all in all, very promising.

Big Shots

I cry. Do you understand how much this show had to suck to override my willingness to sit and watch Dylan McDermott watch paint dry? Do you? And yet here we are…Big Shots is supposed to be a Desperate Housewives for men…lines like “men: we’re the new women” crop up over and over during the stupidly stupid plotlines of the ugliest guy ever having an affair, DYLAN, MY DYLAN, having an affair with a TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTE and Michael Vartan getting cheated on by his wife and then getting promoted to CEO after making a “Network’s type I’m not going to take it anymore” outburst during his interview. He’s the only one with any black friends though, so that can be forgiven. What a disasterous waste of a talented cast. Ugh. UGH!!!

Cane

Now, every year the racist in me forces me to watch the “minority cast” show, you know, since I bitch and bitch about how there are no minorities on TV, I gotta support them when they come out. It totally worked out with Ugly Betty, not so much with Cane. I like a murderous Jimmy Smits, but the “Cuban” thing is just so way overdone…I mean, this aint Scarface’s Miami…right? I mean, I’ve never been. The problem is the only interesting member of the family is Jimmy Smits and he already has everything, so there’s no one to root for. The children are bland, the jealous brother is so Cain and Abel and the wife just doesn’t add anything at all. I guess I like the father, but he’s dying, so…blech. Even the evil villain guy looks so frail, that one wonders why Jimmy doesn’t just get Dennis Franz to show up to the guy’s house naked and scare him to death.

Damages

Okay, now I should preface my review of this show with the following fact: Dawn Summers just learned that Glenn Close and Meryl Streep are two different people. WHAT? Anyway, we were excited to see Glen Streep as a tough as nails attorney and the commercials sucked us in but good…except…WOW…garbage! They get the law wrong, they get the corporate culture wrong…the writing is lazy and the plot is weak. Why then have I watched nine episodes? Well, they cleverly decided on a Memento style reverse storytelling style. So we see the protaganist’s life in ruins, fiancee dead, and her in jail for his murder, in episode 1 and then for the rest of the season it painfully unravels the story to show us how she gets there. So…unfortunately, I am doomed to see this through…I am here to spare you from getting yourselves in the same predicament.
Groan.

Bionic Woman

So last year I bet Fisch that The Nine would get renewed for a second season, embarrassingly, it didn’t even get to finish out its first season. I figured the problem was that viewers figured if they missed the first two episodes, there would be no way to catch up. So when I made the same bet with him about Bionic Woman, I figured I was getting way the best of this wager. NBC practically built its season around this show, its got big names in that Ferrer guy and the homophobe from Grey’s Anatomy, plus the added benefit of being a big franchise name…who didn’t pretend to do Lindsay Wagner runs and jumps as a kid? (Uh…not me…I’m only 29…and have no idea who Lindsay Wagner is.) Anyhoo…after two episodes, I gotta say Dawn Summers likely is going 0-2 on her TV bets. This show is soooooooooooooooooooooo AWFULLY BADLY HORRIBLY TERRIBLE that I have run out of synonyms for its ickiness. The lead can’t act, she’s cute though and usually that’s enough…but no…after last week’s episode I was reminded that stupid Dr. Burke can’t act either and the Asian dude sucks and the stupid “I was the first Bionic Woman” woman is already annoying…like come on…be evil or be not evil…CHOOSE! And what the hell was up with the army guy being able to beat up the Bionic Woman for a good three minutes before she retaliated. SHE’S BIONIC!!!! Blach. And I hate the little sister so much. If they kill her off soon, I’ll be happy. And how could they kill her boyfriend in the pilot? And where is creepy dad? Sigh. So disappointing. You’d think I would learn to stop getting excited about TV shows before they air. You’d think that…but you’d be wrong.

Journeyman

LUCUIS VORENUS!! “The boy is blameless…ahhhhhh” Rome Season 1 was violently deliciously great, so I was happy to see Lucuis Vorenus back even without the stylish gladiator sandals…so Journeyman…it’s the 2007 answer to Quantum Leap. He journeys through time fixing people’s lives. Curiously, his previously thought to be dead fiancee also travels through time, though I suspect she’s evil…but we’ll see. It’s cool to see the acoutrements of our past, like the cellphones that were as big as your head and smoke filled airplane cabins. I don’t like his wife, his son is insipid, but the brother has promise and I like that he married his brother’s ex-girlfriend and they only speak now that Lucius vanishes for days at a time without a trace. So far the show is good, but whether it has staying power will depend on the backstory and whether it holds our interest, because I don’t think a “problem of the week” storyline will be enough to sustain an audience for the longterm. But watch it! You haven’t missed anything yet.

Life

I’ve heard this show described as “House” with a detective, I didn’t really get that vibe. It reminded me a little more of Alias, in the sense that he’s working for a company that he secretly despises so that he can get his own vengeance. I love his struggle against materialism and that he pulls over his ex-wife’s husband because…well…because he can. Heh. I don’t know that this show will ever be huge, there are no big stars, but the cast can act and well, that’s apparently no longer a given.

Private Practice

Okay, I’ve already written my review of this show. It’s bad. But I confess that last week’s episode with the babies switched at birth had me in tears or near tears or cutting onions, something like that. It was well written and that Judging Amy woman trying to cut up the bike she bought for her ex-boyfriend, just killed me. But yeah, ABC needs to hurry up and cancel this crap so Addison can get back to Seattle.

K-ville

I wanted to like this show. I love New Orleans. The day that I leave it all behind, I’m probably getting an apartment in the French Quarter where I’ll spend my days writing and my nights drinking myself to death. Unfortunately, K-ville just doesn’t make enough use of New Orleans or its wonder. They try. Or I should say they try to try. But this is just another run of the mill buddy cop show where the good guys are flawed, but good and the bad guys are just bad. The writing is bad, the actors are okay, but at the end of the day, if I’m supposed to believe that a cop who is so much of a stickler that he turned in his partner who deserted after Katrina, wouldn’t turn in his new partner after finding out the guy is actually an ex-con or that his wife will make their six year old daughter live in a crap house in a flooded area just because her husband “believes in the district,” well…my eyes are going to spend too much time rolled up in my head to pay much attention to the rest of the show.

Well, I think that’s it for new shows…I do want to see Samantha Who? and Women’s Murder Club, though lord knows I don’t need any new shows.

As for the returning class:

Heroes…second seasons are hard…just ask Desperate Housewives. And Heroes is falling prey to the sophmore slump. First off, what’s up with the black guy being the only one to die in the final battle? Fuck that. And then the fat chick is the first one down this season? Your mom. I think they need to stop trying to fit in so many plotlines into one episode. Last season they were great about picking two heroes to track per episode…this year it’s all cram cram cram and the stories are suffering. Personally, I’d like to see waaaaaay less Hiro and much more of amnesia Peter. I like this new development with Claire’s new boy…and the search for the Mendes paintings. Of course, still watching.

Desperate Housewives!!!! OMG what a twist on the Edie story. I nearly bawled last season when the scarf went over that beam…but finding out it was all a ploy? GEEEENIIUUSSSSSS. I like that Gabby is having an affair with Carlos…but how he would ever trust her again enough to marry her is nutzzz. I dunno know about this new mystery with another kidnapped child, it stinks of the black family storyline, which nearly made me quit watching. But wow the Bree fake pregnancy, the Lynette playing the cancer card, Desperate Housewives is back baby and I love it!

Brothers & Sisters
WEAK. WEAK. WEAK. The son is like a stupid medic in Iraq (no offense to all the wonderful medics in Iraq) but come on, how top secret could his missions be, the whole season opener storyline just seemed contrived to create friction between the Senator and the family. Boo. I don’t like the fake half-daughter moving in to the Walker household…she kissed your daughter’s husband, dude! Where’s the loyalty!?! Love Kevin dating the minister dude…that scene with him talking on his cellphone during church was classic. Of course, they had to end it with this stupid missionary thing because we cant have happy gay couples on TV. I don’t know how long, I’ll keep watching.

Boston Legal
Okay, check that. If I’m still fricking watching Boston Legal, I’ll never stop watching Brothers and Sisters. Again. This show sucks. I hate the new John Laroquette character…can’t he go back to playing the gay murderer character? Of course, I love watching Murphy Brown and Shatner and Alan Shore, so…I’m stuck. Waa. Poor me.

Grey’s Anatomy
WOW..does this season suck so far…hahaahhaa….wait I take it back, the scene where the residents do their own impression of the Nazi for the new interns was priceless. But the rest…a deer?? Izzie saves a DEEER??? DUDE!!!!! And George being all “I love you Meredith’s sister.” And Meredith’s sister being the new girl in the bar? Oh, just kill me now. AND AND that guy claiming he moved to Seattle to be friends with Derek again? WTF? Barf.

Bones
I never thought I would say this…but when are Bones and Booth gonna hook up…Season Three is about when these shows break down and couple up the main characters. I hate the Angela/Geeky guy coupling. Especially the whole she was married before to some guy she can’t remember crap.

House
Woot! A new season, without the insufferable Cameron and the British guy. Hugh Laurie, the chick and Wilson are on as always.

CSI
Season opener was so not plausible. Sarah gets out from underwater AND under a car, winds her way through a desert AND Grissom still finds her in time? Achoo bullshit Achoo. But CSI is CSI…always good to watch when you’re bored.

Ugly Betty
HOW GREAT IS THIS SHOW!! She buried her relationship with Henry “this is the pencil he gave me” hahahahaah. I love Vanessa Williams and this whole cast, it’s such a well-written show…the whole thing with her sister not leaving the room with Santos, only to have us find out that he died at the end…OMG. So so good. Really, evreyone should be watching.

Law & Order SVU

HAHHHAHA Munch as captain for the day was priceless!

Smallville

HATE HATE HATE HATE Supergirl. Love me some Chloe. Who didn’t see that Lana twist coming? But hey, it’s Superman, so how bad can it be?

Friday Night Lights

Saving these episodes on the DVR for my convalescence…but I liked it last year…hopefully, it’s still good.

How I Met Your Mother

Apologies to Alceste for previously making fun of him for this. I really like this show, though the Emilio Iglesias guest spot was so random. She has a fling in Argentina and brings him back with her? Really it’s that easy now? I so never want Ted to meet their mother…I did miss him and Barney’s bachelor adventures. Le-Gen-Hope you’re not lactose intolerant! HAHAHAHAHAHA

My Name is Earl

Actually, last year I was concerned that it would start to get boring watching him cross stuff off his list for another year, but of course, the writers and the cast mocked me and my worries with relentless hilarity. But I totally love the new My Name is Earl: the Prison Year! Ugarles sent me an email with the classic Joy line after Earl asks her to take care of Randy “You’re not just dumb, you’re broken.” Show is do good and funny. “Randy, you got fifty percent. Randy: I’d like to play the race card…how do I do that?” HAHAHAHAHAH

The Office

Kelly telling Ryan she was pregnant and then immediately telling the camera crew she was lying….hahahaha hysterical. Though, I didn’t like the bit with Michael driving his car into the lake and then trying to get the basket back. It was just too gimicky and not at all in keeping with his sychophantic personality…I hope it’s not a harbinger of things to come. I like that this show is about the randomly mundane things that happen in a paper company in Scranton and not contrived comedic situations like that horrid Seinfeld episode where George buys the Frogger machine to preserve his high score. Blech. AND…AND HOW ADORABLE ARE JIM AND PAM???? Awwwwww.

Well, besides the animated shows and the ones that haven’t started the new season yet (Scrubs, Monk) I think that’s it. Happy watching.

And someone please tell Karol that they don’t care how good Mad Men or Tell Me You Love Me are, Dawn Summers does not need to watch anymore TV.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Monday, October 8th, 2007 at 11:59 pm and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.