Clareified

Where does the good go

Dawn, F-train and Jam Master Jamie W

“I know you love me like a brother/but I just noticed you’re one hot mother.”-Jamie
“Why would you listen to Karol? It’s like you never learn” -JCN

It was quite the night. My Scrabble punching bag â„¢ was playing a gig at Arlene’s grocery down in the Bowery. (Incidentally, why would anyone think a grocery store was a “cool” motif for a bar? Seriously, hipsters, keep this up and I may just start hating you guys more than hippies. And I hate hippies. And the French.) Anyway, so I insisted that Karol and I go. I put my foot down and said emphatically, “Jamie is our new friend and he bought us pizza and dammit, you will get out of your house and drive to Manhattan to pick me up or I will beat you with my shoe.”
Oops…well, I said it or Karol said it – point is it was said and we were there.
I showed up to Karol’s place on time and as usual she took her normal 34 minutes in getting her butt downstairs. And when she arrived, she was wearing a yellow and white cheerleading outfit.
“Umm…so…what’s up Kar…you got a pep rally after the show? Is um Danbury Prep playing their rivals in McManerberry and you’ve got to cheer on the football team…are your pom poms in the trunk?”
Seriously. A 30 year old in a cheerleading outfit! Honestly.
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“What? I look cute. I don’t even need pom poms.”
Uhh…I don’t know what that means…and I’m not going to ask.
When we got to the bar the whole Wall Street game was there. Wendy said Karol and I looked pretty.
I assume this is because I am Wendy’s personal ATM at the poker tables and when she sees me, she sees a pile of money that she can spend later.
We headed downstairs to the stage to say hi to Jamie before he went on, but we were too late.
His band consists of two singers and a drummer and he also plays guitar.
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I don’t remember the first song, but I do remember him saying “ok and our next song is about making sweet sweet love to your best friend.”
And then doing a set that would make Dawson and Joey blush.
“I want what’s under your sweater?!!!!!” Good lord, my virgin ears.
He then did a “mashup” of some Led Zeppelin song and My guitar is crying by the Monkees because they have the same notes. They evidently did this to avoid being sued for royalties by Paul McCartney.
Halfway through the mashup, Karol started singing along and I was like “how do you know the words to Jamie’s band’s songs? Did he give you a CD?”
And then she was all “how do you not walk into walls…that’s the Beatles.” Oh yeah, I didn’t mean Monkees, I meant Beatles above.
It was Pauly Walnuts 40th birthday and so Jamie sang a birthday song for him. I expect that in the upcoming 34 days, I too will have a birthday song performed for me. Else heads will roll.
I was dragged outside to take glamour shots of the 30-year-old cheerleader and we met one of Jamie’s lovely extra special lady friends.
“Oh, you’re Dawn and Karol!”
She said.
“Uh oh….don’t believe a word he says about me, though what he says about her is no doubt totally true,” we each said simulataneously.
Not our first rodeo.
Evidently, poor Jamie has been staying up nights memorizing Scrabble words. I’m guessing he’s trying to lower the amount of points that I whomp him by. It’s cute.
My night of bar hopping and band watching over, twas time to celebrate the 31st year of my dear dear friend, assface.
When I was cajoled into going to the concert, my dear dear friend stupid girl I went to high school with, told me that the concert place was close to the bar F-train had chosen for his shindig.
But as we left the concert, she then told me that the bar was in Chinatown/Little Italy area.
I got in my car and it suddenly started to rain cats, dogs and giant flying squirrels.
I couldn’t see or hear anything except buckets of water — it was very disconcerting because I had grown used to the sound of Fisch screaming in the passenger seat “I don’t want to die,” like a little old lady as I drive in that kind of weather. Really, it’s the little things that you miss.
Anyway, after um floating around Chinatown for twenty minutes, I called Kaz…but got no answer, so I called the birthday boy himself.
“Are you melted too,” he answered.
“No…where in chinatown is this place?”
“It’s not in Chinatown, noob.”
Ohhh…stupid Karol.
I finally find the bar buried beneath a French restaurant in Soho.
F-train is sitting at the bar with JCN, Zo and an Asian guy, we’ll call him…AG.
I bought the birthday boy a drink and we relocated to the couches at the back.
Moments later, the funniest person I have met in ages, bursts into the room and says “Jesus, mother of God, ” could you have picked a more obscure bar on a shittier night for this?
We’ll call him Johnny Badhair because he asked us too and we always do whatever funny men tell us to.
Johnny regale us with tales of following a chick out of the subway because she was wearing an extremely short skirt and a white baby T-shirt and had no umbrella.
“She lost me though…I think her scum-bag-ometer went off.”
Johnny was a writer but he said he was currently retired.
“Although, I’m supposed to turn in some pages in a few weeks, i bet their going to pissed when they hear I’m retired.”
My favorite…ok…well…it’s hard to pin down a favorite Johnny story. But I told him about this documentary which follows a guy around as he tries to visit ever Starbucks in America.
Johnny then says: “I don’t drink coffee, but my last girlfriend did and every morning I’d have to go down and get her a cup of some vento mocha bullshit, which I could never get right.”
“Dude, you’re a writer…why didn’t you write it down?”
“I’m a writer…not a secretary.” (Oh, speaking of which, the receptionist from F-train’s office came and F-train told me that she was a comedienne who knew Charles Star. To which I responded…oh, she’s a comedian? Does she like answer the phones at the office in a funny way? Like “whasssssupppp?” This made me laugh. It did not make anyone else laugh.)
Anway, so Johnny is like “yeah I could never get her order right and the guy at the counter would look at me like I was retarded because I couldn’t order this coffee and I’d tell him…look, I’ve never had a Starbucks and he looked at me and said “man, you’ve gotta try it because once you have one, you won’t be able to stop.”
“Why would he think that was a good thing, he sounded like a crack dealer…so I told him that and the look he gave me, you just knew he was going to spit in that coffeee…but I was like, whatever, it’s for my girlfriend. You can do whatever you want to it, I’m getting laid just for bringing it to her.”
He had me giggling the whole night, at which point F-train said “well, it looks like you’ve found a new target audience, Johnny.”
“Yeah, drunk girls…next time I ask my agent where I’m playing, if he says an AA meeting, I’m going to be all NO WAY!”
(Now, point of information, I was not drunk. I’d been drinking pepsi and seltzer water the whole night, but I was also buying F-train Jameson’s on the rocks the whole night…I assume this was the confusion…or it was incessant laughter…)
Meanwhile, F-train is desperately trying to get me to call him an assface, so I’d have to start my 24 hours all over again.
“Hey, you know Johnny exclusively dates black women…so you might actually have a chance there, Dawn.”
“Fuck you, as…F-train…Happy Birthday!”
Then he was crying because Kaz was in California and Charles had a show and Jim Tockery was at a concert and Mary was in DC and his boyfriend didn’t come from California.
“No one came…waaaa.”
“Yes, but I’m here!”
“You’re 3/5ths of a person.”
“Fuck you as…F-train…Happy Birthday!”
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F-train’s birthday party.
Johnny then told us that his dad had like 40 guns. And that he worked for the postal service.
“Yeah, anybody breaks into that house is getting shot 415 times and my father won’t even have to reload….he has a sawed off shotgun with a splatterglass…which basically just says I want to see the look on your face before I blow your head off, but I don’t want to get any of it on me.”
Again, funny as hell.
He made the comedienne girl want to smash a glass over his head though when he told her that he thought Charles Star was funnier than she was.
And even when he said “I’m just kidding,” she looked like she would still deck him.
Anyway, it was getting late — I can tell this because F-train was slightly bent over and trying to have his “every 6 months” make out session with the Australian girl at the bar.
At which point Curt says “6 months? Every other guy I know has a monthly make out session with her.”
“Wait, that girl has made out with you? When you touched her before she looked repulsed, like she wanted to reach for her rape whistle,” Johnny interjected.
“I guess that’s why F-train only gets some every 6 months.”
At this point I had taken out my car keys and was basically waiting out the moments until the F-train birthday forcefield evaporated at midnight.
“Hey, you’re driving,” Johnny asked me. I thought he was lookng for a ride.
“Yeah, where are you headed?” I casually asked.
His eyes widened.
“Um…you think that’s a good idea?”
“Huh?”
“Umm…you’ve had a lot to drink…”
I start to laugh even more hysterically than before.
“That was just pepsi.”
The clock hit 12:01 and I turn around, point at F-train and say very loudly “YOU SIR, HAVE THE FACE OF AN ASS. To wit: Asssssfffaaaaccccccceeeeeee.”
This causes Johnny to say “really? She’s sober?”
And then I laughed some more.
I ran to my car through the rain and made a note that birthdays planned on one day notice may not be such a good idea from an attendance standpoint, but sometimes, just sometimes, they can still be funny as hell.

43 Responses to “Dawn, F-train and Jam Master Jamie W”

  1. Karol Says:

    Dude. It was the cutest outfit of all time. Do I have to tell you again how my whole outfit was yellow and light blue, including my underwear (yellow), bra (light blue) and shoes (light blue). I mean, seriously. Adorable.

  2. AlCantHang Says:

    Karol was ROCKIN’ the chearleader outfit. Bravo!

  3. Jamie Says:

    Other than the light blue bra, which I couldn’t see (where was my ‘groupie flash’?), I thought Karol looked awesome. Both of you looked awesome actually, except Karol wasn’t in your grill about the way *you* looked. What’s the matter? Someone slam a bingo on you to win a game recently? 😉

  4. Jamie Says:

    Other than the light blue bra, which I couldn’t see (where was my ‘groupie flash’?), I thought Karol looked awesome. Both of you looked awesome actually, except Karol wasn’t in your grill about the way *you* looked. What’s the matter? Someone slam a bingo on you to win a game recently? 😉

  5. Jamie Says:

    Oh, and MANY thanks for coming to the gig. I need all the emotional support I can get at these things!

    And I can’t believe you don’t recognize the Beatles?!? Are you joking me? Your rating on my musical taste-o-meter, already at a dismal 1.9 due to your obsession with Matchbox 20 and Clay Aiken, has fallen another full point. You are now at 0.9, just below the Spice Girls, but still above the Death Metal Electronica genre.

  6. Dawn Summers Says:

    OMG the SPICE GIRLS ARE BACK TOGETHER AND TOURING!!! I missed them the first time around!! I am SO going to see them.

    And explain the grill commment, we are dazed and confused.

  7. fisch Says:

    I’m not in your car screaming when it’s raining cats and dogs….I’m treading water on some curb in manhattan waiting for you to pick me up.

  8. Chugarte Says:

    How many ways did this make my day? Many, many ways.

  9. Jamie Says:

    Uh, ‘in your grill’. It’s slang for ‘all up in your face’. ‘Grill’ being urban slang for mouth. Get it? With the teeth?

    I realize you’re a Yalie and all, but I’m pretty sure my upbringing was at least as comfortably suburban and sheltered as yours. And I still know what ‘grill’ means in that context. This is disturbing to me somehow. Your lack of pop culture knowledge (to wit: mistaking The Beatles for The Monkees) is making me trip.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=grill

  10. Dawn Summers Says:

    You’re welcome.

  11. Dawn Summers Says:

    I realize you’re a Yalie and all, but I’m pretty sure my upbringing was at least as comfortably suburban and sheltered as yours.
    I grew up in the hood, biatch. And my question wasn’t about the word “grill” so much as the whole sentence….but I know that you aren’t so good with words, so I’ll let it slide. 😛

  12. Dawn Summers Says:

    memememememeemme….water. AHHHHH. Such a Drama Princess.

  13. Chugarte Says:

    I grew up in the hood, biatch.

    Interesting. It doesn’t seem like the ‘hood. NOW!

  14. Chugarte Says:

    NB: It still very often feels like the hood.

  15. Jamie Says:

    For clarity’s sake, the lyrics to “I Wanna Do You”, by Negative Ken (the song whose scorching sexual innuendo burned your virgin ears):

    Verse 1
    We have been friends a long long time
    But now I want the bump and grind
    We have been through a lot together
    But now I want what’s underneath your sweater

    Chorus
    I want to do you (yeah yeah)
    You’re my best friend, you’re my best friend but
    I want to do you (yeah, yeah)
    You’re my best friend, You’re my best friend baby
    You’re giving me a heart condition
    I want to learn the buddy system
    I want to do you in the baddest way I know

    Verse 2
    You’ve always been the girl next door
    But now I know I want to score
    I know you love me like a brother
    But now I realize you’re one hot mother

    Repeat Chorus

    Guitar Solo

    Bridge
    We have been friends so long that I could not see
    How beautiful you really were (you’re so beautiful)
    But now that I see you this way, I wanna be
    The one that kisses you goodnight
    The one that gets to treat you right
    The one whose love will always last
    The one who gets to tap that ass (Tap that ass)

    Repeat Chorus

    Outro
    In the baddest way I know
    To hell with taking it slow
    In the baddest way I know

  16. Dawn Summers Says:

    What on earth did that clarify?? Now you’ve sullied my virgin eyes as well!!!!

  17. Jamie Says:

    I wanted you to get the full impact. It was loud in that club.

  18. Dawn Summers Says:

    Thanks.

  19. fisch Says:

    A comment like “thanks” from the writer of the post, should count as a negative comment. There should be some program written into the software that automatically makes that go from 17 comments to 16.

  20. Jamie Says:

    Agreed fisch. Incidentally, this is a link to the first *ever* ‘me too’ post in Internet history (equivalent to ‘thanks’ in my mind).

    http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=bnews.csu-cs.1997

    February 1983. So Dawn is only 24 years behind the times.

  21. F-Train Says:

    “Happy Birthday, F-train

    My gift to you is to go a whole 24 hours without calling you assface in print or public.

    This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 at 12:49 am and is filed under Personal. ”

    The clock hit 12:01 and I turn around, point at F-train and say very loudly “YOU SIR, HAVE THE FACE OF AN ASS. To wit: Asssssfffaaaaccccccceeeeeee.””

    Still waiting for my gift.

  22. Dawn Summers Says:

    ah, but I had not called you assface in print or public in that preceding 41 minutes. (yes, I thought of that before I said it, assface ftrain.)

  23. F-Train Says:

    But you called me assface IN THE POST.

  24. F-Train Says:

    And before you give me some bullshit that you didn’t, may I remind you that you linked to my site under the word assface in that post. So, I’m still waiting for my gift.

  25. Dawn Summers Says:

    fisch and jamie,

    get a room.

  26. Falstaff Says:

    1) That was indeed a cute outfit.

    2) Where are the pictures of the undergarments? We demand proof of the matching undergarments!

    3) I didn’t realize it was F-Train’s birthday. So I had to send an email with the subject line – Happy Birthday. And the content – “assface”

    4) I think the song that you MIGHT have been trying to get to was While My Guitar Gently Weeps, not My Guitar Cries or whatever bizarre bastardization you came up with.

    5) truly funny shit.

  27. Dawn Summers Says:

    may I remind you that you linked to my site under the word assface in that post. So, I’m still waiting for my gift.

    nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    Feck feck feck feck feck feck feck.

    I’ll refer this matter to my attorneys pearatty, rick or alceste. I’m sure they’ll get me out of this mess.

  28. ari Says:

    Oh the good old days… when we used to remember that I am merely across the street and also a fan of adventures. Now you only wan to see me to take my $.

    I’ll get the last word. I’m stealing your wallet one day soon. You’ll see.

    Assface.

    😛

  29. Chugarte Says:

    I’ll refer this matter to my attorneys pearatty, rick or alceste.

    Definitely good judgment in limiting the field of your possible attorneys. You’d probably find yourself in Gitmo by the end of my “defense” of you.

  30. Dawn Summers Says:

    Other than the light blue bra, which I couldn’t see (where was my ‘groupie flash’?),
    wait…how’d you see the yellow underwear?

  31. fisch Says:

    That would give me an excuse to visit somewhere warm

  32. Chugarte Says:

    Dawn: how’d you see the yellow underwear?
    Fisch: That would give me an excuse to visit somewhere warm.

    Uhhhhh… is Karol going to protest this?

  33. Dawn Summers Says:

    Chugarte beat me to the punch. So: what chugarte said.

  34. Karol Says:

    Can I be the first to point out that the joke makes no sense?

  35. Charles Says:

    Can I point out that not only does the joke make no sense, I know that Fisch was responding to my post at the same time that Dawn was responding to Jamie.

  36. dawn summers Says:

    Dude are you questioning Chugarte’s comedy? Vaffles.

  37. Dawn Summers Says:

    I know that Fisch was responding to my post at the same time that Dawn was responding to Jamie.
    ohhhhhhhhhh. ahh, fisch would visit me in cuba! nice.

  38. Casca Says:

    I see Paris.
    I see France.
    I see Karol didn’t wear any underpants.

  39. Karol Says:

    I see Karol didn’t wear any underpants.

    I did! They were yellow!

  40. Casca Says:

    Next time, don’t. You’ll be more popular. Thongs are OK if you’re shy.

  41. Karol Says:

    I couldn’t possibly be more popular. 😉

  42. Casca Says:

    Touche!

  43. Pearatty Says:

    A. One should not brag that one’s underpants were yellow.

    B. F-Train wins. You owe him a present.

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