Clareified

“Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” - Dread Pirate Roberts
“Really? Is this how the Fisch story ends? Beaten to death by a black girl?” - Dawn Summers

I threaten Fisch’s life on a quotidian basis. (That’s right. Who’s going to drop that on a triple triple one day?)
But it’s not my fault, Fisch is evil. Make no mistake about it.

From the day I met him he has been mocking me, beating me at games, spelling my name wrong, calling me by an insufferable nickname, reliving my holiday traumas and all in all trying to make me cry.
There is not a day that goes by where I am not forced to shake my fist and yell “daaammmnnn yyyoouuuu.”
He is arrogant, competitive, deviously cunning and an all around unrepentant bad, bad man. And I want to be exactly like him.
“I wanna be able to do that!” I remember telling Karol once as we watched Fisch totally trash talk and Jedi mind trick his way through our little home game.
And then a few months later, after being crushed by Lola and Polo at Scrabble, I pouted, squinted and folded my arms across my chest. “I’m telling Fisch what you did…and you are going to be sooooo sorrry.”
And I did.
And he said:
“Ok, I’ll teach you how to play. You’ll never be as good as I am, but you’ll never lose to your friends again.”
Uh…awesome?
Happily, during the past year, in addition to my Scrabble tutor, Fisch has also become the IT department, television watching crew, best 4 a.m. text messager, car radio turner off when I’m not looking, grocery shopping assistant and official fixer of all things which go wrong at the Dawn Summers estate. I was talking to Chugarte once about my hesitation to buy a house because it’d be too much work and Fisch audibly groaned. “Nooo, if Dawn buys a house, I will have to quit my job.”
Damn straight.
And so, since Fisch prides himself most on his teaching ability (after the reviews came in for my speech, Fisch said and I quote “well, that’s better than you thought you’d do, but nowhere near the reviews I get from my students) and since today is his birthday, I present you with 27 things I’ve learned from him in the past year or so. We’ll call this the You’ve been instructed.™ segment.

1. There’s a 24 hours grocery store ten minutes away from my apartment.
2. I can park my car between two pillars without constantly turning the green doors, yellow by scraping the sides.
3. How to hold a pool cue.
4. Two words: Angry poker.
5. How to tell the difference between 17th street and 19th street by measuring each’s proximity to hell.
6. I’m just one of those girls who prefers to be called monster than princess.
7. Take Coney Island Ave. It’s faster. Sometimes.
8. There’s nothing like randomly interspersing your conversations with Hebrew words
9. You use farther instead of further when you’re talking about an actual measurable physical distance. And when I replied “Bite me,” he said “Hush. You might actually learn something.”
10. I might actual learn something, if I hush. But I won’t. And now there’s no time.
11. Things that have absolutely nothing in common make a set.
12. There’s no need to immediately make a panicked change to the left lane, when the right lane continues for at least another two miles.
13. You can get your prescriptions filled at any hour of the night in Brooklyn…why two of his brothers assumed he was there to get “Plan B,” I’ll never know.
14. Religious men can walk between raindrops.
15. Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing. Wait. I already knew that, but I need to get to 27.
16. Boys with freakishly big hands are good for carrying things.
17. It can take a grown man ten minutes to order french toast and eggs. Every. Single. Time.
18. 90 percent of meaning is in the tone. The other 90 percent in the facial expression.
19. I might be worse at math than he is.
20.No need to press the elevator buttons in advance of needing them because the building always keeps one at the lobby and one on the top floor.
21.If you follow the money, you never know what you’ll find.
22.I am way too scrutable.
23. “I’m with a student,” is code.
24. Boots as slippers? No.
25.If the garage door opener is on the car keychain, you wont have to spend five minutes looking for it everyday. Just. Sayin.
26.There’s white black people. “Come on, Dawn, you know, like Barack Obama.” Me: Because his mom’s white? Fisch: Oh, I didn’t know that…but makes little diff.”
27.That if you ask really nicely in a blog post, your friend might won’t, no matter how nicely you asked, mail you the Buffy comics from Oakland, so you never have to get them yourself.
27. Never offer your hand for your enemy to shake whilst wearing rubber bands. NEVER.

Of course, for teaching how to use the sleep timer on the TV for um…putting one to sleep AND introducing him to the wonder that is the strawberry cheesecake ice cream, he still totally owes me.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Sunday, May 6th, 2007 at 12:01 am and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.