Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for December, 2006

Merry Christmas to all…

Monday, December 25th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

And to all a good night!

I’m going to open presents now!

And for your reading pleasure: Ghost of Summers Christmas past!

Are they trying to make me feel like Joseph and Mary?

Sunday, December 24th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Went to have pizza today. It was closed.
Went to Fairway for vegetables. It was closed.
Went to ShopRite for fruit. It was closed.

Tiger attacks trainer

Saturday, December 23rd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

San Francisco Zoo officials on Saturday continued to investigate a vicious attack by a 350-pound (158-kilogram) Siberian tiger that left an experienced animal keeper with a severely injured arm.

Clareified: Your one stop shop for animal attack news

I mean, who wouldn’t?

Saturday, December 23rd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

“I’d Walk a Mile for a Dawn” is the random slogan generated for me by the random slogan generator.

I also liked this one.

Super Duper Lazy Blogging

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Dawn: shut it
Ftrain: no YOU shut it
Dawn: no you
Ftrain: no you!
Dawn: you
Ftrain: you!
Dawn: you infinity
Dawn: sasat
Ftrain: you infinity plus inifity
Dawn: hahahahahahaha
Dawn: you can’t do that
Dawn: inifinity is infinite
Dawn: no adding to it
Dawn: assface
Ftrain: listen, just because you’re too dumb to understand how to add inifinity to infinity is not my problem
Ftrain: asshat
Dawn: ahahahahahahahah
Dawn: and just like that, we have the conversation of the day

No, really. How do I not walk into walls?

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

In my frenzy of productivity, I figured I would go to the post office to return my defective router to Netgear.
They had provided me with a pre-paid label and I recycled their original box through the magic of duct tape and magic markers.
Off I went!
I found parking a few feet away from the post office, put in enough coinage for an hour and went inside.
The line was practically to the front door. I was the fourteenth person. And last.
I had forgotten my ipod in the car, and was about to dash out to get it, when number 15 walked in carrying a shopping cart full of boxes.
Crap.
Oh well.
Seconds later Number 16 came in.
Number 16, or as she would later come to be known psychotically batshit lady.
She hadn’t been in the post office for one minute when she yells out “WHY IS THE LINE NOT MOVING?” She then did that slurping sound that teenagers with braces make when they suck down the drool.
“I HAVE TO MAIL A PACKAGE!” Slurp.
I hear one of the attendants in the back say “Fuck, dats Elizabeth ain’t it?’
I turn around and glance at the return address label on her package.
Sure enough, in huge block letters I make out the words Elizabeth and Argyle Road.
A young looking employee of the post office then makes an announcement that he is open for anyone picking up packages.
“I’M MAILING OUT A PACKAGE!”
“Um, then you have to wait on the line.”
“IT’S GOING TO JAPAN! (Slurp) AND THEN I’M GOING TO EAT AT FRIENDLY’S (slurp)”
I am soo regretting my non ipod state of being. But now the line is snaking around the lobby and there’s no way in hell I’m getting off it.
I will suffer.
Elizabeth will see to it.
“(Slurp) WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE WINDOW OPEN. OPEN MORE WINDOWS”
“Sorry, ma’am we’re doing the best we can.”
The woman who is finishing up at the window, comes around to the lobby to put her hat on her son’s head.
“(Slurp) WHAT WERE YOU DOING UP THERE FOR SO LONG?? PEOPLE ARE WAITING!”
The young mother was taken aback and started stammering about four presents and grandparents in Indiana and I am just thinking, why would she even answer the batshit lady.
Dawn life rule #7. Do. Not. Engage.
The mom shuffles out of the post office and PBL focuses her saliva and shouting on the Latino dude at the counter now.
“HURRY (slurp) UP”
Now, while he doesn’t subscribe to my philosophy, he was not the young mom either.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH. I’M WAITING TOO”
“(Slurp) DON’T TELL ME TO SHUT UP. I’M OLDER THAN YOU.”
But, she kinda backs off.
We have maybe two minutes of quiet when I hear her again.
She asks number 15 if she could get in front of her.
“No.”
“WHY NOT?”
“Because I am in a rush too.”
“I’M NOT IN A RUSH. I JUST HATE WAITING ON LINES. I HATE IT” (Now, if my keyboard allowed letters bigger than allcaps, that’s what the last three words would be in.)
I grab my ears.
Dear God, deliver me!
Now she starts in on a postal employee behind the glass that is stamping papers.
“YOU SHOULD STAMP THAT STUFF WHEN WE AREN’T HERE?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
“Lady, I don’t make the rules. Just be patient.”
“PATIENCE ISN’T ONE OF MY VIRTUES!”
I should probably point out that in between her screaming fits, she would be muttering under her breath that she was mailing a package to Japan and that she was going to eat at Friendly’s. Over and over and over and over again. So, while the rest of the post office was treated to her outer monologue, me, number 13 and number 16 were specially privileged to listen in on her inside voice.
Another twenty minutes passes, I am worried about my meter running out. PBL has now screamed that her legs hurt, she’s old, they need to hurry up, by now everyone ignores her.
She leans in to number 15 once again and says
“CAN I GET IN FRONT OF YOU?”
The look on number 15’s face, just kills me!
I laugh so hard. Then number 11-13 also start laughing.
Now batshit lady starts laughing.
AND I LOSE IT.
I am laughing so hard that I started to cough and choke….yet still I cannot stop.
There are five people left in front of me.
I can see the promised land.
I borrow a pen from the man in front of me and fill out the paperwork on my package.
I hand it back to him and cheer as another person steps up to the window…now there’s only….WHAT? STILL FIVE!!! WHAT THE HELL.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE….hmm…maybe this is how PBL got started with the screaming…I’d better watch the slurping.
Anway, I get to the almost front of the line…just one guy left before it’s my turn and I notice something.
My pre-paid label is for DHL.
There is also a phone number which says “Call this 800 number to schedule pickup”
Awesome.
I run out of the post office to check on my car. Cause really all I would need to make this errand the absolute awesomest is a parking ticket.
I get back and the meter reads two minutes and 12 seconds.
Whew.
I throw the retardo package in the car and drive home.
Now, who do I see about getting those 58 minutes of my life back?
Whom?

Dawn is doing it for herself

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I have had such a productive day today!
I decided to tie up some end of the year loose ends.
Called the contractor, left him a terse message.
Went to Sears, got a new powercord for my X-box, which has been sadly missing since my stupid movers lost it back in February. We now return to our previously scheduled Dance Dance Revolution contests.
We called Dell about our flaming laptop and arranged for them to pick it up tomorrow and fix it.
We hooked up our new secure, password protected wireless internet thingie.
We paid off all our revolving lines of credit.
And now we are off to go get the car washed and detailed.
Who’s not lazy? Who?
ME!

One foot in front of the other

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Gertie’s got a great post up:

It was dark. It was sketchy. My head imagined a wild-eyed cracked up homeless guy jumping me from the dark bushes along the barely-there sidewalk next to one of the fastest streets in the City. My heart, on the other hand, told me to open all my senses. I took out my camera so I could take pictures of the place where I hear my most favorite sound: the clang of ropes and pulleys on the bare masts of sailboats. The Marina.

Things started to look brighter, not for lack of street lights. I was walking behind a big group by the Gaurdsmen Christmas Tree Lot at Ft. Mason. There were two young girls from the families hanging out together, and it reminded me of being 11 years old and fascinated with just about everything.

With all the delirium, (which has mostly faded now that I’ve figured out the whole no sleeping issue) I’ve also been doing a lot of walking. A few days ago I went from Midtown to Harlem on foot. As much as I hate crowds, I just really took in New York. The decorated windows and the sculptures and lights (and the paramilitary police force which now evidently does crowd control through use of annoying metal gates at every other corner…grrr…hate.) I was struck with the memory of seeing these things as a teenager who came into Manhattan only once in a while. And I couldn’t help but smile to think that what was once larger than life and impressive has now become my everday backdrop.

Me too…Sigh.

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

“I’m fucking Irish, I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.” -Matt Damon in the Departed.

Lazy blogging

Thursday, December 21st, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I’m trying to put together an inspirational playlist…or a playlist of inspirational songs, more accurately.
So far I’ve got
Don’t rain on my parade -streisand
I believe I can fly – R.
Greatest Love of All -houston
Star Spangled Banner – houston
Find Your Grail -spamalot
I made it through the rain -manilow
Any other suggestions?