Clareified

Look, I could tell you about eating the pork loin or losing eighteen throws of roshambo in a row…or I could just let you pretend like you were there…Dawn Summers presents: Her afternoon in vignettes.

Me: So we’re really going to the barbecue right after brunch? Seriously? Does that sound like a ridiculous plan to anyone else?
Pearatty: We decided not to make plans, remember?
Me: And that’s why we ended up with this ridiculous one.

F-train: “So who’s to blame for you guys being two hours late for brunch?”
Pearatty: We don’t do blame.
F-train: Oh, we do blame.
Pearatty: Ok, then we are all equally to blame.
Me: No way!
Pearatty: Uh…I was just trying to help you because you said he was going to blame you anyway.
F-train: I do blame her.

Me: Kaz said I would like Burning Man
F-train and Pearatty (simultaneously) No you wouldn’t.

Pearatty: Burning man is pretty much fire and wangs.
Me: Well, then the name accurately captures the experience.

Me: Ahhhh…that duck tried to kill me.
Mr. Pearatty: It wasn’t a duck, it was a swan.
Pearatty: Are you sure it wasn’t just an ugly duck?

F-train, after pearatty and I had wandered off: I knew I’d find you by the TV.
Me: I didn’t know it was a movie. I thought it was cartoons.
F-train: It does sound like cartoons, doesn’t it?

Me (watching Mr. Pearatty try to pry open a chain on an abandoned warehouse door): You just know he’s about to release some four hundred year old spirit that’s trapped in there. And then it’s gonna possess us and we’ll start eating brains.
Pearatty: Mr. Pearatty, stop that!

Pearatty, upon discovering a hole in the apple pie: Mr. Pearatty! I gave you shotgun so you would hold the pie in your lap!
Mr Pearatty: You said to hold the pie, you didn’t say hold it in my lap.
Pearatty: Why would I give you the front seat??!!!

Karol (after I told her the story later): Yeah, why would she give him the front seat? See? You can’t get divorced over stuff like that. But you want to.

Partygoer: Ok…don’t tell anyone I’m opening the plates.
Me: Don’t worry. I won’t say a thing…unless I am blamed.
Partygoer: Well…since we’re the only black people here, it has to be one of us.

Partygoer to Mr. Pearatty: Are you a cop?
Me: No. He’s a Republican.
Mr. Pearatty: No. I’m a libertarian. There’s a difference.
Chugarte: Not when it comes to voting or you know, how the country is run, but at a party…wow, huge distinction.

F-train attempting to make sure we follow along with his reasoning: Wait…have you seen clown porn?

Pearatty: Were there nuts in the cake?
F-train: No.
Pearatty: Dawn, the cake is safe, no nuts.
Me: Yeah, I figured it out after my throat didn’t constrict and cut off my breathing.
Mr. Pearatty: Don’t worry, I know how to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen.
Me (zipping my coat up to my throat): Umm…I’m good. Thanks.

Pearatty: When I was little my sister stabbed me in the leg with a pencil.
F-train: You are so going to wake up tomorrow with a Bic pen in your throat and a pencil in your leg.

Me, after finding a dirty plate of meat stuff and sauce precariously balanced on a row of books on a shelf: Dude, how does someone do that in another person’s house? Ridiculous. Ever since I’ve started hosting parties and games in my apartment, I am so aware of how I treat other people’s places when I visit.
Pearatty: Wait. So what were you doing before? Shoving paper towels in their toilets and saying ‘HA! That’s what you get for throwing a party?’

Me: You know, I can’t do other things with people that I play poker with…I mean, I’m looking around and it’s like, there are at least six poker players here, we could sooo get a game going! Everything else just seems like a waste.
Pearatty: Ummm…so have you started to look into treatment options?
F-train (upon hearing that story later): Dude, do we need to have an intervention for you?
Pearatty: Well, I think it depends on whether you could get at least six people there.

Chugarte: Where is Karol? What? Is she coming next week?

F-train: How could you not know that World of Warcraft is a real game?
Me: How do you know that it is?! HUH? HUH? Not so fun when the questioner becomes the questioned, is it? Is it!
F-train: It is when you do it like that.

Me: I hear that you wear dorky headphones when you play.
F-train (defensively) Alceste does too!
Me: Wait. That’s your rebuttal to my dork allegation?

Me: I climbed all those stairs to get up here, somebody better show me a sun setting.
Mr. Pearatty: That was like twenty minutes ago…but the sky is still pinkish and now that it’s raining, you’re also getting a meteorological experience.
Me: The beer bottle is always half full with you, isn’t it?

Me: The whole going to brunch and then the barbecue plan worked out beautifully. I didn’t say anything earlier, but I really had my doubts.
Pearatty: You know Dawn, you really need to work on being more open and expressing yourself. I can never tell what you’re thinking.
Me: I know. I’m shy.

Pearatty: Where are you guys? We’re already downstairs… Yes, we left you guys. You were taking too long…what?! Bitches?!!
Me: Did F-train just call us bitches?
Pearatty: How’d you know it was F-train?
Me: Well, Mr. Pearatty would never say such a thing…F-train on the other hand, says it all the time.

Mr. Pearatty: The sign says Flatbush is that way.
Me: No..trust me…I feel like it’s this way.
F-train: I feel like we’re going to die.
Me: Shut it! Alceste believes in my holistic driving.

Mr. Pearatty: Yeah, Reagan was just some cowboy who was going to start World War 3…how do you rebut that?
Pearatty: Your butt.
Me: You’re stupid.

Karol: What? You told the whole car that I get lap dances from strippers?

Me: I think Mr. Pearatty was mad that I told the people at the party that he was a Republican because he thought that people wouldn’t talk to him.
Karol: I’m totally the opposite. I use it to weed out the riff raff. I’m all “I’m a Republican! Now who’s left?”
Me: For the record, I don’t think I got that disclaimer.

Karol: I can’t believe you didn’t meet my friend Tom.
Me: Oh, you mean your imaginary friend Tom who happens to be white and love hip hop, lives in Brooklyn, encourages smoking at his place, is a Republican, has a dad who knows all your stupid idols and has a car to drive you all around the place. Yeah, is he here in the car right now? Hi, Tom. I’m Dawn. Nice to meet you.
Karol: HAHAHAHA…but he doesn’t play poker and isn’t Jewish, that’s how you know he’s real.
Me: No way. If he was also Jewish and played poker, I’d definitely know he was made up. You are trying to throw me off your psychoses.

Me: Ron Lad, can you drive me to my car? Make a right and a right.
(He starts to make a right turn.)
Me: NOOOO…right! I mean left! Left!
Ron Lad (now making a U turn): Dawn. Left is a totally different thing.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Sunday, October 29th, 2006 at 4:08 am and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.