Look, I could tell you about eating the pork loin or losing eighteen throws of roshambo in a rowâ€¦or I could just let you pretend like you were thereâ€¦Dawn Summers presents: Her afternoon in vignettes.
Me: So weâ€™re really going to the barbecue right after brunch? Seriously? Does that sound like a ridiculous plan to anyone else?
Pearatty: We decided not to make plans, remember?
Me: And thatâ€™s why we ended up with this ridiculous one.
F-train: â€œSo whoâ€™s to blame for you guys being two hours late for brunch?â€
Pearatty: We donâ€™t do blame.
F-train: Oh, we do blame.
Pearatty: Ok, then we are all equally to blame.
Me: No way!
Pearatty: Uhâ€¦I was just trying to help you because you said he was going to blame you anyway.
F-train: I do blame her.
Me: Kaz said I would like Burning Man
F-train and Pearatty (simultaneously) No you wouldnâ€™t.
Pearatty: Burning man is pretty much fire and wangs.
Me: Well, then the name accurately captures the experience.
Me: Ahhhhâ€¦that duck tried to kill me.
Mr. Pearatty: It wasnâ€™t a duck, it was a swan.
Pearatty: Are you sure it wasnâ€™t just an ugly duck?
F-train, after pearatty and I had wandered off: I knew Iâ€™d find you by the TV.
Me: I didnâ€™t know it was a movie. I thought it was cartoons.
F-train: It does sound like cartoons, doesnâ€™t it?
Me (watching Mr. Pearatty try to pry open a chain on an abandoned warehouse door): You just know heâ€™s about to release some four hundred year old spirit thatâ€™s trapped in there. And then itâ€™s gonna possess us and weâ€™ll start eating brains.
Pearatty: Mr. Pearatty, stop that!
Pearatty, upon discovering a hole in the apple pie: Mr. Pearatty! I gave you shotgun so you would hold the pie in your lap!
Mr Pearatty: You said to hold the pie, you didnâ€™t say hold it in my lap.
Pearatty: Why would I give you the front seat??!!!
Karol (after I told her the story later): Yeah, why would she give him the front seat? See? You canâ€™t get divorced over stuff like that. But you want to.
Partygoer: Okâ€¦donâ€™t tell anyone Iâ€™m opening the plates.
Me: Donâ€™t worry. I wonâ€™t say a thingâ€¦unless I am blamed.
Partygoer: Wellâ€¦since weâ€™re the only black people here, it has to be one of us.
Partygoer to Mr. Pearatty: Are you a cop?
Me: No. Heâ€™s a Republican.
Mr. Pearatty: No. Iâ€™m a libertarian. Thereâ€™s a difference.
Chugarte: Not when it comes to voting or you know, how the country is run, but at a partyâ€¦wow, huge distinction.
F-train attempting to make sure we follow along with his reasoning: Wait…have you seen clown porn?
Pearatty: Were there nuts in the cake?
Pearatty: Dawn, the cake is safe, no nuts.
Me: Yeah, I figured it out after my throat didnâ€™t constrict and cut off my breathing.
Mr. Pearatty: Donâ€™t worry, I know how to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen.
Me (zipping my coat up to my throat): Ummâ€¦Iâ€™m good. Thanks.
Pearatty: When I was little my sister stabbed me in the leg with a pencil.
F-train: You are so going to wake up tomorrow with a Bic pen in your throat and a pencil in your leg.
Me, after finding a dirty plate of meat stuff and sauce precariously balanced on a row of books on a shelf: Dude, how does someone do that in another personâ€™s house? Ridiculous. Ever since Iâ€™ve started hosting parties and games in my apartment, I am so aware of how I treat other peopleâ€™s places when I visit.
Pearatty: Wait. So what were you doing before? Shoving paper towels in their toilets and saying â€˜HA! Thatâ€™s what you get for throwing a party?â€™
Me: You know, I canâ€™t do other things with people that I play poker withâ€¦I mean, Iâ€™m looking around and itâ€™s like, there are at least six poker players here, we could sooo get a game going! Everything else just seems like a waste.
Pearatty: Ummmâ€¦so have you started to look into treatment options?
F-train (upon hearing that story later): Dude, do we need to have an intervention for you?
Pearatty: Well, I think it depends on whether you could get at least six people there.
Chugarte: Where is Karol? What? Is she coming next week?
F-train: How could you not know that World of Warcraft is a real game?
Me: How do you know that it is?! HUH? HUH? Not so fun when the questioner becomes the questioned, is it? Is it!
F-train: It is when you do it like that.
Me: I hear that you wear dorky headphones when you play.
F-train (defensively) Alceste does too!
Me: Wait. Thatâ€™s your rebuttal to my dork allegation?
Me: I climbed all those stairs to get up here, somebody better show me a sun setting.
Mr. Pearatty: That was like twenty minutes agoâ€¦but the sky is still pinkish and now that itâ€™s raining, youâ€™re also getting a meteorological experience.
Me: The beer bottle is always half full with you, isnâ€™t it?
Me: The whole going to brunch and then the barbecue plan worked out beautifully. I didn’t say anything earlier, but I really had my doubts.
Pearatty: You know Dawn, you really need to work on being more open and expressing yourself. I can never tell what you’re thinking.
Me: I know. I’m shy.
Pearatty: Where are you guys? Weâ€™re already downstairs… Yes, we left you guys. You were taking too long…what?! Bitches?!!
Me: Did F-train just call us bitches?
Pearatty: Howâ€™d you know it was F-train?
Me: Well, Mr. Pearatty would never say such a thingâ€¦F-train on the other hand, says it all the time.
Mr. Pearatty: The sign says Flatbush is that way.
Me: No..trust meâ€¦I feel like itâ€™s this way.
F-train: I feel like weâ€™re going to die.
Me: Shut it! Alceste believes in my holistic driving.
Mr. Pearatty: Yeah, Reagan was just some cowboy who was going to start World War 3â€¦how do you rebut that?
Pearatty: Your butt.
Me: Youâ€™re stupid.
Karol: What? You told the whole car that I get lap dances from strippers?
Me: I think Mr. Pearatty was mad that I told the people at the party that he was a Republican because he thought that people wouldnâ€™t talk to him.
Karol: Iâ€™m totally the opposite. I use it to weed out the riff raff. Iâ€™m all â€œIâ€™m a Republican! Now whoâ€™s left?â€
Me: For the record, I donâ€™t think I got that disclaimer.
Karol: I canâ€™t believe you didnâ€™t meet my friend Tom.
Me: Oh, you mean your imaginary friend Tom who happens to be white and love hip hop, lives in Brooklyn, encourages smoking at his place, is a Republican, has a dad who knows all your stupid idols and has a car to drive you all around the place. Yeah, is he here in the car right now? Hi, Tom. Iâ€™m Dawn. Nice to meet you.
Karol: HAHAHAHAâ€¦but he doesnâ€™t play poker and isnâ€™t Jewish, thatâ€™s how you know heâ€™s real.
Me: No way. If he was also Jewish and played poker, Iâ€™d definitely know he was made up. You are trying to throw me off your psychoses.
Me: Ron Lad, can you drive me to my car? Make a right and a right.
(He starts to make a right turn.)
Me: NOOOOâ€¦right! I mean left! Left!
Ron Lad (now making a U turn): Dawn. Left is a totally different thing.