Clareified

Where does the good go

Brunch with the girls…and Jason

Pretty Numbers, Ari, Karol and I are starting to become quite adept at hosting out of town bloggers.
I mean, there are still some kinks sure, but when Jason from Worldwide rants asked to have brunch at the slowest restaurant in Spanish Harlem, run by deaf waiters, we happily obliged.
(Well, I assume he requested this experience…cause otherwise… wow. Worst.Hosts.Ever.)
I picked up Karol and Ari and we drove to the brunch place that PN had picked out.
I found parking fairly quickly, but saw nothing resembling a “brunch place.”
“Huexteclas, over there,” Karol said pointing to a small awning at the corner of the block.
“Spanish food?? We’re having Spanish food…for brunch?!” I locked up the car and noticed a pizzeria on our side of the street.
“Well, ok. Worse comes to worse, I can always run out and grab a slice.”
Ari and Karol smoked outside, while I went inside to say hi to Jason and PN.
We were also joined by a renowned photographer, Lisa and two other women, who were sitting on the other side of the table, so for the purposes of this post, were not at the brunch.
When Ari and Karol returned, the waiters took our coffee orders.
“I would like a café con leche,” I saw breaking out the mother tongue to authenticate the Spanish restaurant brunch feel.
Facing nothing but blank stares, I ran through the checklist…cafe? pretty sure that’s coffee…leche? yeah definitely right…I repeat the phrase once more.
“You want a cappuccino?” the waiter replied.
“Uh…ok.” Hmm…it’s been a while since I practiced my Spanish, but I was sure that cappuccino was Italian. Oh well.
“See, Dawn is getting into the spirit of the brunch,” said PN after being greeted with less than enthusiasm, “I think she’s the only one who appreciate my choice!”
“What? Are you talking about the girl that was getting a slice of pizza five minutes ago,” Karol asked.
“SHUT UP!”
“Oh, I’m not sitting by while you, YOU get credit for being open minded.”
I gave her the finger.
While we waited, we discussed the fact that PN was taking Jason to a Hasidic wedding.
“Wow! Really?”
Apparently a famous, Rabbi’s son was getting married and the wedding would have like 2000 people in attendance.
Then Karol said she liked an indie boy with tsitsis hanging out of jeans.
Lisa disagreed.
“Nah…I don’t like it at all. I mean it’s sad, I wish I found Judaism hotter.”
“HAHAHAHAHA…That is so going to be Dawn’s quote of the day.”
Thirty minutes later, there was still no coffee and we hadn’t ordered yet.
Curiously, there were six cups of coffee sitting on the unattended counter.
“Wait…are those our coffees getting just sitting there??”
The waiters were called.
Umm…hi…coffee…service…customers? Any of this sounding familiar?
“Sorry, sorry…right away.”
They brought the cooling cups of coffee to our table, he puts a cup beside me and says “oh…you’re the cappuccino, sorry…I’ll be right back.”
I laugh.
“I’m guessing he has to send someone to Starbucks.”
HA! Silly, Dawn. Don’t be ridiculous, they’ll just circle back around in ten minutes and fill your cup with piping hot black coffee from the carafe.
Awesome.
An hour later when they finally came by to take our food orders, I told the waiter to cancel my cappuccino.
“Oh, sorry…sorry.”
Yah.
Figuring that the zucchini pancakes were nothing like buttermilk pancakes, I settled on steak and eggs…with no eggs.
Karol ordered medium eggs, with bacon, and hash browns, with zucchini pancakes on the side.
Two hours later, they brought seven plates to the table.
Karol looked around.
We all did that “wait till everyone had their food” thing for the first ten minutes.
Then I started eating and everyone else followed suit.
Karol continued to look in vein for her eggs.
PN flagged down a waiter.
“She didn’t get her meal yet.”
“Oh…sorry, sorry…right away.”
Three minutes later, he brought back a plate with two egg yolks swimming around in the has browns.
“Umm…sir…this is NOT medium,” Karol said calling him back.
“Oh…sorry, sorry,” he took the plate.
I wanted a drink.
“Do you have Pepsi or Coke?”
“Coke.”
“Ok, I’ll take a Coke.”
Twenty minutes later he brought back Karol’s plate…the eggs were cooked, but the bacon wasn’t. There was no coke in sight.
Karol sent the bacon back.
Curiously, when the waiter brought it back, it was still undercooked, but now it was burnt.
I swear!
It was weeirdd.
Again…no coke. Anywhere.
I had long finished my steak.
And our half of the table was commiserating with the other patrons who still had not been served.
“My baby woke up, was fed, went back to sleep and is up again, and you still haven’t brought my damn eggs!” said an enraged man at the next table.
“Hey…you’ve got it good man, we’ve been here since Tuesday and they just brought out our order,” I said.
At hour seven, I was ready for the check.
We asked for it three times.
“Alright. That’s it. I’m walking out. I’ll wait for the coffee. I’ll wait for the meal. But I’m not waiting to give them money.”
“Oh…sorry…sorry,” said the waiter for the four hundredth time.
“Oh and by the way, go ahead and cancel that coke.”
“Oh…sorry-”
I looked away.
PN started to clear our plates off the table, while Ari had become adept of walking up to the counter to get milk, sugar, or ketchup. The world renowned photographer was now the official coffee pourer.
When the bill came, I was straight in calculate the bill to the penny and leave exactly that mode.
“We don’t take credit cards,” I heard him tell another patron.
“Wow. Awesome. They are located in the boonies, the service is terrible, the cooking is sub par AND they are cash only? Oh yeah! Who has found a new permanent brunch spot? see you guys here next week!,” I said.
My half of the table paid exactly what we owed, the other half of the table…not so much.
“You guys left a $30 tip??? ARE YOU CRAZZYYY?? You were cleaning up YOUR OWN DISHES AND POURING COFFFEEE FOR YOURSELVES!!!!!”
I. Was. Livid.
Karol escorted me out.
“But…but…they’ll never learn…how will they learn,” I continued to protest, as she pushed me toward the exit.
Ari handed me a pen.
“You could write a note on the back of the check.”
“Stop encouraging her,” Karol chastised.
I was still ranting when we got back to the car.
“Well, it’s the soft bigotry of lower expectations,” Karol said ostensibly comfortingly.
I rolled my eyes.
Thank you Ann Coulter.
Yeah, ok…brunch was bad. And that tip was preposterous. But hey, Republicans are still worse.

4 Responses to “Brunch with the girls…and Jason”

  1. Karol Franks Says:

    YAY KAROL! The voice of reason!

  2. Jake Says:

    If you had taken a limo to the restaurant, you could have sent the limo driver out for cappuccino and pizza. Then you would have had something to eat and drink while you were waiting for your meal.

  3. Jason Says:

    Yes, the waiters were slow and made their share of mistakes. But at least they did so nicely. :)

    Good to see you again, Dawn. Maybe next time we should just barbeque in Brooklyn.

  4. World Renowned Photographer Says:

    Supposedly there were 25,000 at that wedding. Check out some shots:
    http://tiffanycufflinks.blogspot.com/

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