Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for September, 2006

How does Peter do it?

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I’ve shared a room with Karol for fourteen hours now, and she has just said “if you leave a single light on in this place, you will awaken to the sensation of my fists pounding your face.”

And then, because I am very, very sick, she added “and you will not have laryngitis anymore when you start screaming your head off.”

Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly sure that’s not how it works.

New cocaine cola

Thursday, September 21st, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Which is great, cause the big problem with my soft drinks lately is not enough blow.

Ohhh….did I say Christian? I meant Jewish

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Turns out, after telling a reporter that no “to his knowledge they were all Christians,” George Allen actually has a Jewish grandmother.

And, boy is he psyched.

In his statement Allen wrote, “I was raised as a Christian, and my mother was raised as a Christian. And I embrace and take great pride in every aspect of my diverse heritage, including my Lumbruso family line’s Jewish heritage, which I learned about from a recent magazine article and my mother confirmed.”

via Karol

Dear Netflix,

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Ross: Rachel claims this is her favorite movie. Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is? Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s. …

Hi…long time subscriber, first time complainer. Ok, ninth time complainer, but who’s counting.
Umm…I received Mrs. Brown and Howard’s End today. So, I guess I should start by saying, ‘thanks.’ Of course, Mrs. Brown and Howard’s End were in my queue. However, have you noticed that they have been in my queue for the last four years…that every time I am in danger of actually receiving said movies, I quickly move movies like “Ice Princess,” “She’s the Man” or the entire first season of Veronica Mars to the top of the queue?
Cause I have been.
You see, Mrs. Brown, and The Longest Day and The Maltese Falcon before it, are movies I like to nod politely and say “I have those in my Netflix queue,” so people can think I’m smart.
They are not movies that I intend to waste a valuable Saturday on…that’s what season five of Smallville was supposed to be for.
Now what am I going to watch at the Bash this weekend?
I can’t very well be expected to leave my room and socialize with others.
Sigh.
Well, I await your reply.
In the meantime, please note that the above applies to My Left Foot, Il Postino and Apocalypse Now.

Sincerely,

Dawn Summers

Cause Islamofascists might firebomb our offices

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

It’s Muslim Boy Meets Girl, but Don’t Call It Dating

Mazel Tov

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Mel Gibson’s only daughter, Hannah, married blues-rock guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd this weekend.

Gibson, 26, and Shepherd, 29, of Benton, Louisiana, exchanged vows in California on Saturday, People magazine reported on its Web site.

Shepherd’s albums include “Ledbetter Heights” and “Live On.”

He proposed to Gibson on New Year’s Eve 2004 in Rome, according to The Times of Shreveport, Louisiana.

Gibson, 50, and his wife, Robyn, have seven children. Hannah is their oldest child and only daughter.

Oh…wait…Mel would probably prefer something less…Jewwy…how’s…heil?

In happier sports news…

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

mets

Mets clinch the NL East, baby.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Monday, September 18th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I HATE THE JAGUARS SOOOOOOOO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

All they had to do was score one more touchdown and I would have won this week.

The goal was right there. Right. There.

Signs of a successful Fantasy Team

Monday, September 18th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

When your 12th round pick outscores your first pick almost two to one in every game. Awesome.

The Art of Negotiation by a NYC Cabbie

Monday, September 18th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Me: Take my way to my house.
Cabbie: No, that way is too slow. Too many lights. I’m taking my way, it’s faster.
Me: That may be, but my way is cheaper. Take my way.
Cabbie: How much do you usually pay?
Me: $28 plus tip.
Cabbie: Ok, I take my way and you pay me $35 flat fare plus tip.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH