Clareified

Those days are gone forever; I should just let 'em go but…

Archive for September, 2006

Are they bleeping kidding me?

Friday, September 29th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

dude

Replacing fathers with cardboard?

I think I saw an SNL skit like this.

Ya Gotta Believe

Friday, September 29th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I just got an email from a Mets fan deflated at the news that Pedro is out for the post season.

To her, I simply say: The Mets don’t win because they have the best pitching, hitting or fielding.
The Mets win because the stars are aligned in just the right way and the universe has decided that we have suffered enough.
Pedro has nothing to do with it.

The Mets will win if they’re supposed to. If not, they won’t.

Remember: The Mets suck. We just love and believe in them anyway.

Back from the brink

Friday, September 29th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

I live.
Dr. Quack says my lungs are clear. I still sound like Kathleen Turner though. On the upside, I have seen 200 hours of television in the last four days. And since I have been highly neglectful of Clareified, I now present the results of said television watching.

We’ll call this the “I watched Ray Liotta’s ‘Smith’, so you never have to” segment of the I’m back post.

Uh, so I tried to go to tvguide.com to get a listing of the schedule of shows and I discovered a funny thing…evidently, TVGuide.com doesn’t have…umm a TV Guide. Freaky.

Superheroes
I actually think this show has more promise than the pilot showed. I figure it’ll become all the rage very soon a la Lost or Buffy, so it’ll take a few more episodes to build. So far, I like the cast. Jesse from Gilmore Girls is back in full on brood mode. I like the single mom with the halfsie son. And the Japanese guy is hilarious. “I Did It!” Ha…verdict: not enough information.

Ugly Betty

I wanted to like this show. The early reviews were so glowing and it’s a about a chubby Hispanic girl AND stars Vanessa Williams as an uber biatch! Come on. I was salivating. And then I watched ten minutes. Waaa…anytime a show relies on multiple characters with ridiculous accents and bright Almodovar colors instead of strong writing and great acting, it’s a recipe for disaster. Ugly indeed. I won’t be back for seconds of this Betty.

Celebrity Duets
Well, this show ends tonight, so not much point in writing much about it. This season featured Lucy Lawless, Hal Sparks, Cheech, Carlton, Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, an Olympic figure skater and that girl that was Michael J. Fox’s mom in Back to the Future. Oh and a WWE wrestler, who was voted off on the first show and who I don’t remember at all.
It looks like Carlton will win it all. I think Little Richard has had a series of on air strokes…and we’re all going to be very sorry about laughing when we find out he was dying this whole time. The best moment of the show was when Marie Osmond (the Paula Abdul judge) told Hal Sparks that his performance was “too white.” He quickly replied “look who’s talking.” No one else got it, but I laughed and laughed and laughed. I laugh still. But, dude. Wow, Wayne Brady’s career is in the crapper. And why was I not told that Lucy Lawless had another show.

Justice
I don’t know what was worse, drowning on the deck of the Titanic, blowing himself in the Alias series finale or this one dimensional cliche’d role as a defense attorney…nah, just kidding. Justice is clearly the worst thing Victor Garber has ever done. This show blows on so many levels. The cutting edge quick shots, are not cool or hip. It’s just dumb. Although, to the extent that it distracts from the crappy plots and horrible supporting cast (oh, gay guy from Dawson’s Creek…don’t you have a horror movie you could be doing?) I’m lovin’ the cutting edge quick shots.
Gag.

Law & Order
Sigh. I love when I find out shows have been cancelled because I see actors from them taking on permanent roles on other shows. So…I guess they cancelled ‘Conviction,’ I mean sure it sucked. But the cast was pretty. And I was glad to see the black guy from Angel enjoying a renewed career. Oh well, so back to L&O…I like the new cop. I think this is the first time the cops have been of two different sexes…interesting…I do not like the new ADA. She sucks. Just like the last two. If this is really L&O’s last season, they should get Angie Harmon to come back. Jesse L is still adorable. And is it me, or is the Lieutenant more ‘in your face’ than during past seasons?

Law & Order: SVU

What the hell? What are they trying to pull? Olivia is undercover in Oregon? She’s not pregnant anymore is she? Dumb. This is dumb and a new partner for Elliot is dumb. Boo. Eh, I’ll still watch. Who am I kidding?

Desperate Housewives
All the murder of the last season without the black people and annoying teens. Awesome! The season premiere was probably the best episode of Housewives since Gabrielle punched the nun in the face. They’s back baby. And they’re desperate. Mike needs to wake up though…new guy with coma wife doesn’t seem promising. And the Tom’s baby mama character is a little over the top. Lynette would have so bitch slapped her already.

Brothers & Sisters

I had high hopes for this show. And that was before I knew Sloane was on it! (Another Alias alum, the love interest for the new Sydney is also on it as a brother.) I dunno, it just didn’t work. The siblings seem too forced. And Calista just doesn’t work in ensemble. This cast is too big, killing off the dad is a start…now let’s suicide off the veteran brother. Whittle down the cookie cutter males. Brenda seems promising…although the fact that she’s “doing an accent” always makes me trust her a little less. Sloane seems back in the role as sleazy secret keeper…and well, it’s what he does best. So, jury’s still out–we’ll give it a few more weeks, but if it doesn’t improve…it’s cut.

The Simpsons

I don’t know what Fox’s deal is…but for some reason all the episodes I taped, start ten seconds too late and end twenty seconds too early…but the middle is funny. And hell, it’s The Simpsons. There are no bad things to say about the Simpsons.

Family Guy

Was it always this random? Really? I dunno I guess the South Park episode where they postulated that Family Guy was written by manatees, really got me thinking.

Weeds
This season has been pretty sucky. Yah, she meets a DEA agent who is willing to marry her and arrest her opposition….shaa. Plus, the marriage doesn’t prevent him from testifying about stuff he knew before the marriage. Dumb. And I hate the uncle and his draft dodging Rabbi education. The dog biting off his toes was pretty cool though. Oh, and I like the Elizabeth Perkins family and am looking forward to her “Wisteria Lane is going to be drug free…tell your dealer” threat. Wait. It’s not Wisteria Lane…it’s Agrestic. Wisteria is Desperate Housewives. Stop judging me. I have watched a lot of TV. Look, if you don’t like it, I’ll just stop and you’ll have to watch Smith. You want that? Do you? No?
Ok then.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

This is my favoritest new show! OMG I love everything about it. I love Amanda Peet, Chandler, Josh, Evam Handler…a show about a TV show written by Aaron Sorkin??!! Died and gone to heaven. The pilot rocked. “You’re fired!” Judd Hirsch “No kidding.” HAHAHAHAHAHA I don’t like the blond girl love interest for Chandler, but I rarely do…even the Wings guy works cause we’re supposed to hate him. This one’s a keeper…but I fear it won’t last very long…How did SNL end up with two primetime shows about it on the air? I am so looking forward to 30 Rock.

Boston Legal

Umm…Boston Sexual Tension is more like it. I don’t know why I still DVR this piece of crap. The writing is bad, the characters get worse every season and well, the storylines are all ripped from The Practic clones. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Smith

I would have preferred if the writers had filmed 60 minutes of vomit drying. The premise of this show makes zero sense. Repeat. None. No sense at all. He’s a master criminal, with a wife on parole and two little kids…with a gang that he communicates with via text message? And who is Smith. And no one noticed a bunch of shit exploding throughout Pittsburgh? And why does the parole officer have a big zit on her face. SUCKS SO MUCH. It almost makes me embarrassed to own a television.

Help Me, Help You
Best new sitcom of the season…umm…although in a world of “The Old Adventures of New Christine” and “Till Death,” that’s not saying much…so I will affirmatively say I liked it. Jane Kazmarek is back…in pretty much her screaming Lois role — but like Sloane, she does it so well, I could watch her do it over and over. I’m not usually a fan of Ted Danson, but it looks like his crazy patients will drown him out. So I’m a fan. The first three minutes of HMHY was also the funniest beginning to show that I’ve seen in the last few years.

Gilmore Girls
Unfortunately, the sucktacularness of last season, bleeds over into the season premiere. I am not happy that Lorilei is such a ho, that Luke is such a dunce, that Rory is so irritating and that Lane is missing. Props to Sookie and Michel for maintaining character integrity. I do so hope it gets better, because packaged with Veronica Mars – this should be my most looked forward to TV block of the week.

Kidnapped

Did you see a Man Apart? With Denzel? No? Go ahead and Netflix it. It’s fricking cool. Ok. Good. Now that you’ve seen it, no need to waste an hour a week on Kidnapped. I do like Delroy and Jeremy though….maybe they could get together on a buddy cop vehicle.

Bones

Mminno. I go back and forth on Bones. Right now I’m in a back posture. I dunno Temperance is just too weird and then suddenly emotional and just as suddenly detached. Cam is a good addition, but I don’t dig the Angela/Weird Guy relationship. I like the young naive kid though….And Booth…well, I still think of him as a vampire. But I’ll still watch…for a while.

House
I can’t believe House is on hiatus already. jeez a loo. And seriously, if the announcer says “House faces his most difficult case yet” just one more time, I am going to lose it. That said. House rocks. Hugh Laurie is terrific and I like everyone except for the woefully miscast Cameron. The stories always provide fodder for my undiagnosed hypochondria, the dialogue is funny and Laurie knocks it out the park every time. If he doesn’t win an Emmy for the next three years, the academy should disband. Although, they probably should have disbanned after giving best show to “The Office.”

My Name Is Earl

Awesome, awesomeness. As always. “I will not jump for Joy!” HAHAHAHAHHA. This show is clever and still fresh…they didn’t even do anything on Earl’s list last episode! Yet…still great. If you’re not watching this show…well, bad karma for you.

CSI

Umm…ok,science, evidence blah blah blah. Let’s see more Grissom and Sara. And if I’m asking, the show must be lagging. Catherine is a wee too old to be wearing those outfits and going clubbing with Nick. I dunno…CSI is getting old. But it’s still ok.

Shark
James Woods doesn’t have what it takes to make it in TV…and by that I mean likeability. I struggled through this hour and can’t see putting myself through it again. His daughter is your run of the mill teenager stuck in to add humanity, but Woods is soo…robotic, it doesn’t really help. Interesting concept, but poorly cast. I don’t really believe seven of nine as a DA and I don’t care about James Woods trying to reform. Bah.

Six degrees

Again, nice concept. But terrible execution. This show has all the same flaws that Conviction had. Pretty cast, bad writing, too much schmaltz. And the connection angle is so contrived. I mean, I have certainly never intentionally talked to the woman next to me getting a manicure…much less become best friends with her…May watch for a few more weeks…but I am looking forward to the Nine and Lost, so I doubt this will live long in the DVR queque.

Well, that’s it. Another year, Another TV Season, Another post that proves Dawn Summers is a loser with no life.

Wanted: Dead or Alive

Thursday, September 28th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Whoever recommended Howard’s End to me.

Come on, remind me who you are. I want to give you a present. Candy or a puppy.

So come forward, because the next step is a bounty on your head.

Yep…that’s pretty much how we determine paternity

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

Stern said he and Smith are confident he is the father, and “based on when the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds.”

Entertainment reporter and photographer Larry Birkhead also claims to be the father of the girl, named Danilynne Hope.

In an unrelated note…did she always plan to name the girl after her son?

Cough Cough Hack Spurt Sputter

Tuesday, September 26th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

“Go to a doctor” – Karol
“Wait…you think you have laryngitis, but you haven’t seen a doctor?” –Sabaka
“Your grandmother wouldn’t go to the doctor for her cold…should we call her and ask how that worked out?”-my mother

I don’t like doctors. Who needs them and their needles, tests and waiting rooms? Besides, as a card carrying hypochondriac, I can diagnose my own illnesses.
However, I do not like coughing up little bits of my throat, being unable to talk or struggling to breathe all night…so to the doctor I decided to go.
I just walked into a doctor’s office near my neighborhood.
“Have you been here before?”
“No.”
“Well, I’m sorry, Dr. Quack is not taking on new…wait…I’m sorry, do you have insurance.”
“Yes.”
“Oh…and you want a check up?”
“Well, I have a cold.”
“Ok…have a seat.”
I am coughing incessantly.
The doctor comes out and says “well, I know why you’re here!”
Awesome.
“So, are you here to see me or my father?”
Uhhh…
“Don’t know…”
His face lights up.
“OK! Come on in here.”
“You sound terrible…did you go to work today”?
“Yes.”
“Well, you shouldn’t be. You could spread this.”
Awesome.
He has me do that “ahhhh” stick test
I breathe for him and he tells me I have acute bronchitis.
“I just gave away my last free samples to the last guy…but you’ve got insurance right?”
“Yes.”
“Ok, well I can also give you Vicodin, if you want.”
What?
“Why? Do I need Vicodin?”
“I dunno…do you?”
Dude.
“Uh…I don’t think so…”
“OK…up to you. So, great. Take these antibiotics, you should be fine by Thursday, Friday..but I wouldn’t go to work for the rest of the week.”
‘Rif.
So, there you have it. I may have contagious bronchitis or my doctor may just be a quack who hands out Vicodin like candy.

Fantasy Football

Monday, September 25th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

0-3 (That’s three years running for those of you keeping count. Although, this year has been the most hilariously hilarious trip to the cellar. This week I was paired with the one team with as bad a record as mine, but three of my starters had byes, one of my replacements was put on the DL and one of the others scored a fraction of a point.)

A mother’s love

Monday, September 25th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

After a long crazy weekend of roadtripping with F-train and Karol, we were finally on the road back home to New York City.
F-train was chatting on his cell phone, when he said “ok, love you too,” and hung.
“Ooohh…who do you love too,” Karol pried.
“My mom,” he said flatly.
So’s her face.
“Hmm…my mom never tells me she loves me,” I said…about to add “when we talk on the phone,” until I realized…no…ever pretty much covers it.
“My mom does!” Karol piped up.
“Well la di da, your mothers love you. Maybe we should be a statue in your honors and put it up in the middle of the town square.”
When I got home, I drank some Nyquil for my cough and Tylenol PM for my sore throat and climbed into bed.
So, really, not so much a surprise when my mom called at noon and I was still in bed.
Of course, since I was on vacation for the last week and a half, in bed, was not where I was ‘posed to be.
I told my mom I would call her when I got to work and hung up.
I jumped in the shower, got dressed, grabbed my job ID and raced for the elevator.
But I had to go back because I forgot my metrocard and subway riding reading material.
I found the metrocard and the book, but then couldn’t remember where I had put my keys.
Half an hour later…I was ready to go again.
When I got to my building lobby, the front door was cordoned off for repairs…damn it!
Nuts to this, I’ll just drive in.
I took the elevator to the basement and drove like a maniac to Manhattan.
(Uhh…a maniac who follows all traffic laws and safety precautions, officers.)
Unfortunately, my exit at 42nd street was closed. And the next exit, at 61st street, was on the left hand side across three lanes of bumper to bumper traffic.
I am testing the bounds of PG-13ness, when I decide to just ride up to 96th street and then take Lexington back South.
Ohhh and it would’ve worked too…except there was some kind of street fare going on and Lex was closed off at 72nd street.
It was now 3 o’clock.
My cough was becoming persistent and my thoat was scratching and apparently GOD himself did not want me to go to work today.
“OK…Thy Will be done, father,” I said, making a beeline for the West Side Highway back to Brooklyn.
I checked my blackberry and phone for messages. Seeing none, I figured no one knew when I was getting back from vacation anyway and I could probably get away with taking the day off. Yes, divine intervention wanted me in bed watching my twenty hours of unwatched Tivo shows.
I grabbed some lunch and drove back home.
As soon as I opened my apartment door, the phone started riniging.
“Hello?”
“Oh, thank God! What are you doing home? I thought you were going to work?”
It was my mother again.
“I tried, but I couldn’t get there.”
“Oh, cause you said you would call when you got to work and when you didn’t call I got worried. I called your job and had them page you and your secretary went looking for you — she said she’d call around to see it anyone had seen you.”
OH.NO.
In a panic to searched my bag for my blackberry.
Sure enough, the senior associate on my cases had sent me three emails already since my mother’s page.
“Forgot you were back today. Can you come by my office to discuss XYZ.”
Oy…the jig was up…and no way could I call in sick now.
My mother was still on the phone.
“Dawn? Hello? Dawn?”
“Yes…I’m still here…I have to go though…I have work now…”
“What? You sound upset. Should I not have called your job? i was very worried. You could have been dead somewhere…”
Aw, see my mother loves me.
Of course, as I trudged back to the subway, hacking and wheezing the thirteen stops to my job, I just wondered why she couldn’t love me in a nice normal non psychotically paging me way, like the other mothers.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me

Sunday, September 24th, 2006 by Dawn Summers

“I took the under on 7:18 because I thought you guys were social.”
F-train on losing a bet about when Karol and I would show up to the party.

(whoever took 11:45 won.)

Totally random thought

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006 by Dawn Summers

The original thirteen colonies should get an extra Senator.

Freeloading West Coast.