THE CUPCAKE KIDS
THE CUPCAKE KIDS
When Kaz wants something to happen, it happens.
It’s probably because when Kaz says jump, you jump, and then ask how high and then apologize profusely if your jump was either too low or too high.
A couple of weeks ago, she suggested that we all have a cupcake tasting contest. We all nodded, of course. Who doesn’t like to taste cupcakes, after all?
But then came the follow up email.
Bring Magnolia cupcakes to the Magnetic Fields at 8:30 on Wednesday. Or else.
Yikes!
So, I drove to the downtown bake shop that I love so well and prepared to pick up a few.
There wasn’t a line, but there was this middle aged couple paralyzed in front of the cupcake table.
“Sprinkles?”
“No, but how about the chocolate?”
“Cake or frosting? Both would be too much.”
“I dunno…frosting?”
“Well, I think the cream tastes better on the vanilla cake.”
On and on till I wanted to asphyxiate each of them in the cupcakes. With no care about the frosting type.
When they finally got the hell out of my way — a couple of well timed throat clears seemed to do the trick– I grabbed one of each type and two of the white frosted vanillas for myself and headed to Brooklyn.
I got to the judging station well before anyone except DJ Howard. Over the next half hour a few other entrants trickled in.
“Hey, where’d you bring yours from?”
“Magnolia. How about you?”
“Two little Hens. They suck, I’m not even going to have one,” said Kaz’s friend who I only remember as the guy who hates his birthday.
By the time Kaz reached, we decided to get some real food before scarfing down cupcakes.
Hmm…guess I should have thought of that before eating two Magnolia cupcakes on the way over here…
Oh well.
We had pitas at this pita serving place while Mint Julip and Dr Cracker lamented about the whiteness of the area.
“Seriously, I have never seen so many white people just…congregated like that.”
“Me either! I grew up an hour from Mexico and I swear New York has more white folks than I’ve ever seen in my life.”
My PC spidey sense was tingling. I know I am supposed to say something here….defend the white people…somehow…except DJ Cracker is white…soo….umm….
“Does the pita place take credit cards?”
Yes. That’ll do nicely.
Turns out that didn’t take credit cards, though, so I had to run back to my car for cash.
After stuffing our face full of pita — it was time for cupcake tasting.
Or so we thought. Kaz had disappeared!
Half an hour passed.
Guy who hates his birthday’s friend had arrived, and the three of us and Mint Julip started chanting for cupcakes.
Cup-cakes. Cup-cakes. Cup-cakes.
Apparently, we were waiting for a girl who wanted to chronicle the moment on film.
Nuts to that, we said once we found out she was still about an hour away.
So we lined up about thirty cakes from seven or nine locales and began our taste test.
A place called “Baby Cakes” won for prettiest cupcakes.
However, since it specializes in vegan, no sugar, no gluten, no wheat cupcakes (to which Dawn responded, “What the hell? Might as well just have a glass of water and call it a day.”) they really didn’t stand a chance in any of the other categories.
“It takes like a muffin. Not bad though. But different.”
(I actually agreed with that assesment.)
Two Little Hens tied with Magnolia for the “ooey gooey, I want it now” appearance category.
But on to the eats.
A place called “Baked” — a bakery in Red Hook next to my favoritest brunch spot, tied with Magnolia for best tasting*
Although it had a weird green icing that looked freaky…it was hella delicious and everyone was like “wait? where was this from again??”
Yum.
Magnolia is Magnolia and they do what they do. What can I say, I had the easiest assignment.
Third place, because this is MY blog, beetches, goes to Crumbs. They had a deliciously moist offering with flawless frosting.
Kaz said it “tastes like sheet cake more than cupcake,” but I say, “mmmm sheet cake.”
There were some specialty cupcakes from A place called “Sugar Sweet Sunshine.”
The pistachio and pumpkin cakes were ranked high…but my nuts allergy prevented me from partaking…so I’ll take their word for it.
I had the Crumbs caramel toffee and it was off the heeezy.
Yummerrific.
Now onto the worst categories.
WORST CUPCAKE EVER
Well, just like the guy who hates his birthday said: Two Little Hens was just plumb awful. The cake sucked and the icing was like this flavorless whipped cream gunk. All around baaaaad mazel, yo.
Close second in the craptacular cupcake category was Buttercup.
It was dry and the icing was bland.
I generously said “Well, Buttercup was rather disappointing.”
Mint Julip flatly said “Buttercup sucked and I’m done with them.”
Ouch.
Also, despite performing well in the specialty cakes contest, Sugar Sweet Sunshine’s control group cupcake was noooo good.
Ick.
Had to follow it with another bited of Baked to wash away the badness.
By the time we had gorged our faces of the control group and specialty cakes, we were still left with a bench full of chocolate cupcakes to try.
“GOOD GOD. NOO. If I put one more bite of anything into my mouth, the entire night’s worth of eating will be making an encore appearance,” I said shaking my head fervently as Kaz offered up bits of the chocolate ones.
She was also done.
“This is either my best idea or my worst.”
Obviously, worst.
You have made me say no to cupcakes.
CUPCAKES.
DEMON.
Mint Julip was more circumspect.
“I am not ashamed of anything that happened here tonight.”
Oy…it’ll take a gallon of water to dilute the sugar in my body…was really all that I could think of.
That and…but I don’t have room for a gallon of water.
Sigh.
Up next ice cream tasting contest! 
More Kazeriffic photos.
*We tasted a vanilla frosted,vanilla cake cupcake from each place as the “control group.” Although Mint Julip didn’t get that memo and so from Buttercup we had a vanilla cake, chocolate frosted one. But I have had their vanilla/vanilla ones previously and the taste was about the lacklusterly same.
June 16th, 2006 at 3:58 pm
Did Magnolia win?
June 16th, 2006 at 5:04 pm
click through and check out the results - there were several categories. the results are revealed in the notes.
June 16th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
So, you loved the cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling?
June 16th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
Of *course* Mint Julep is not ashamed — she’s too thin to be ashamed.
June 16th, 2006 at 7:13 pm
I can’t put my finger on it…but I totally think I was just called fat.
June 16th, 2006 at 7:22 pm
er, i think i was the one called fat! watch it, ftrain!
June 16th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
Someone was definitely called fat.
June 19th, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Downtown Atlantic will whip all them cupcakes. And their hostess cupcake DOES have cream inside. Confirmed. By me.
August 25th, 2006 at 12:39 am
[...] The good news is I was born and raised in Brooklyn’s 11th district. That the incumbent Congressman Owens, the only congressman I have ever known (DeLauro was a congresswoman, after all), was retiring and the race to replace him had turned into the most contentious and controversial Congressional campaign was pleasing. Good, it’s about time somebody was fighting to represent the ECB. I didn’t know who I would vote for, but since I was moving it didn’t much matter. Bad news is, it turns out, move or no move — I still live in Brooklyn’s 11th. Seriously, I’ve looked at the map of this district it spans like seventy blocks in either direction, people! In fact, wherever you may be reading this post from, might also be in Brooklyn’s 11th. So, listen up. The dirty facts are these: Major Owens has represented this district since time immemorial. (Ever watch the Cosby Show? Elvin is his son.) Well, no surprise, his other son has stepped up to replace the dad. Not so fast. A long time member of the Brooklyn Democratic party scene, Carl Andrews was all “hold up, it’s my turn!” “I’ve represented the people of Brooklyn for twenty odd years, you’re not just going to waltz in and take your dad’s seat.” Fine. What’s that voice out there? Oh helloooo, Yvette “did I say college graduate?” Clark. She’s all “Ok, I know I lost two years ago against Major Owens, but I think I can do it this time.” (Note too that Yvette took over her mom’s seat on the city council after her mom decided to take on Major Owens in 2000. That Clark also lost.) So there you have it, another Owens, another Clark and the mainstay Andrews battling it out for the one chance to represent me and mine in Washington. Let’s get ready… Huh? What’s that? Who moved where now? Yas-what? “Hi, David Yassky, nice to meet you. I just bought the house next door.” Indeed, Mr. Yassky represents the good people of Brooklyn Heights, Cobble Hill and some schmancy ass place called DUMBO. In order, a place once described as filled with the “most white people I’ve ever seen in my life,” “off-whiteyville” and well…dude who else would live in a place called DUMBO but misguided hipsters? Oh, did I forget to mention that Yassky was white. Cause if I did, I’m the only one. No article about Yassky gets much past his first name before saying “only white candidate.” So, this is a head scratcher. No love for the ECB, and now we’ve got more candidates than we know what to do with. Well, my mom knows what to do with them. A couple of weeks ago, she went down to the Social Security office to get her papers in order for retirement. She had called ahead and found out all the proofs of identification she would need. She brought that with her and was met with a detached, preoccupied federal employee. “That’s not enough, we need your original birth certificate,” so-about-to-be-sorry-federal-employee tells my mom. She tries to explain that she called ahead and had brought all the papers she was told to bring by the person on the phone. “Well, I don’t care what they told you on the phone, I’m telling you, you need to bring the original birth certificate,” she said between smacks of bubblegum and taking personal calls on her cell phone. Oooh, how sorry is this woman about to be? Let’s see. My mom leaves the SS office and goes home. She calls her congressman’s office. She explains the situation. They tell her there’s nothing they can do. “Nothing you can do? There’d better be something you can do. There is an election coming up and if this is how you treat constituents, you can bet I have voted for my last Owens. In fact, I’m voting for the white guy.” Yassky, mom. His name is Yassky. Then you can say the white guy. Well, one hour later, a representative from Congressman Owens’ office was at the SS office, with mom straightening out the whole mess. In the end, bubble gum chewing woman, who my mom made certain to point out how rude it was of her to be smacking gum during their conversation (She tells me the same thing all the time.), was asked to shut off her computer for the day and “bring her things,” to the supervisor’s office. D’oh. Since then, my mom has cornered Chris Owens about his plans for the ECB youth, (a disappointing “my kids go to public school” was his response) and “the white guy” on “what he plans to do for the seniors” (she liked his answer, but I don’t remember what it was.) But since my mother now votes for crazy Republicans, I figured it was time for me to make my own decisions. Enter the NY1 debate. I have to say I was very impressed with Chris Owens. He’s much older and distinguished than I thought. And he’s an Old LLP alum. He is against the new Nets stadium and the move to kick a hundred thousand people out of their neighborhood by virtue of eminent domain. I agree with him, although I do think it’s more of a state issue than a federal one. Yvette Clark is not even a consideration. She wanted her mom’s council seat. She got her mom’s council seat. She can stay in her mom’s council seat. And this latest revelation that she didn’t get her fricking undergraduate degree clinches it for me. Despite what Ken says, my congressperson is going to have a college degree. In Greenwich they have college degreed congressmen, the ECB will have no less. What do you think this is? Carl Andrews… Now, if ever there was a man that has paid his dues and followed the party line…tis he. Unfortunately that party line that he towed was written by the multi-indicted Clarence Norman. I know it’s probably unfair to judge a man by his friends, but… I don’t know. I guess I’d just rather my congressmen not come pre-corrupted. He should take the bribes and get indicted after a couple sessions, like the rest of the districts get. And then there’s the white guy. I mean Yassky. First off, if you see Al Sharpton can you please tell him that “Yassky is white,” is not an argument. Oh, and tell him that if I hear him utter the words “you wouldn’t want a black person to move into a white district and run,” he’ll be getting a strongly worded kick to the junk. (After all, my whole Summers 2020 presidential bid starts with winning the Wyoming House seat.) So, my issue with Yassky isn’t that he’s white. Who cares. My issue with Yassky is simple. Would he have moved to the ECB or whereever in Brooklyn’s 11th that he lives, if Major Owens wasn’t retiring? If so, why didn’t he move sooner? Why doesn’t he represent my neighborhood on the city council? Now, before anyone asks whether I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2000, I’ll say upfront that I did. However, the situation is completely different. And hinges on one question: do I believe that Hillary Clinton would have moved to New York if there was no Senate seat available. And I do. (Now, whether they would have moved to Chappaqua…) I’m fairly certain that whoever wins the seat will move to D.C. and will only be heard from every two years. With that in mind, it’d give me comfort that they had some background and time in the area. That they known the historical Congressional 11th, not just the utopic 11th that the gentrifiers have wrought. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for gentrification — bring it on. But bring it in context without removing the people that were there before. I really shouldn’t have history with the district than the congressman. Otherwise, I should be the congressman…hmmm…how long till the primary? [...]