KILL ME NOW
KILL ME NOW
Even before I bought an apartment…or knew people who bought apartments, I’d been aware of the general maxim that contractors sucked.
Something about shiftiness, skimping on materials, and overcharging when all was said and done. Suze Orman always cautions that when getting a contractor’s estimate, double it in your head and that’s the minimum it’ll end up costing you.
Later, Karol would teach me another general maxim: never trust Russians.
So, needless to say, as I find myself on the eve of moving into my new apartment, with no stove, no refrigerator, no microwave and gutted cabinets — all courtesy of my Russian contractor, really, I have no one to blame but myself.
A month and a half ago, when I hired him to repaint my living room and renovate my kitchen (partly due to all the praise singing Ari was doing about renovating her kicthen…well, and the fact that my stove was built only shortly after the gas stove was invented), I did so with only two conditions.
1. He had to be able to give the Co-op management company a certificate of insurance and
2. He had to be done before I moved in at the end of February.
With respect to the first, he assured me it wouldn’t be a problem. It was, after all, a week before Martin Luther King Day…February was a world away. With the respect to the second, and now, this is probably my legal training kicking in, he said “Oh, I can get a certificate of insurance for them.” Whether he actually has a certificate of insurance, I don’t know — but the condition was that he get one for the managing company and he said he could do that.
That very weekend I picked out everything for the kitchen, put down a thousand dollars for my new countertop and was on my way. A week later he came by to drop off paint samples for the living room.
Two weeks later I gave him the measurements for all the new appliances I bought in Sears, that he assured me he would install, adding another ten grand to the new kitchen total, before any work has even started.
Then, nothing.
He didn’t answer my calls or return calls or make calls.
NOTHING.
Finally, last week, as panic started to set in, I put his number on redial at work. Presumably because he didn’t recognize the number, he picked up on the first ring.
“Dude. What’s the deal. I am moving a week and NOTHING has gotten done.”
“You didn’t pick out a paint yet.”
Mmmm…ok…that was true…but what that has to do with the kitchen…
“OK. I’ll pick out a color tomorrow. When will you start?”
“Hold on. Dawn, let me call you back.”
“Uh-ok, but…hello? hello?”
Two more days go by.
Now, it’s Friday. I move in exactly a week.
I call now from my mom’s cell — new number.
“Hello?”
“DUDE. DUDE. YOU.ARE.KILLING.ME.”
“Oh, sorry. Yes, I know I was supposed to call you back. I was finishing a job, but now it’s done. I will come by your place and start on Monday.”
“Ok.”
Monday I call him at 9 to confirm. No answer.
10. No answer.
11, I borrow the painter’s cell.
“Hello”
“Where are you?”
“Oh…I’ll be there in a few.”
12.
1.
2.
3.
Mmm..evidently, he meant a few freaking days.
4.
5.
I call him again.
“Oh…I’m coming across the bridge, I’ll be there at six.”
At 6:30 he finally shows up.
He assures me that despite his not starting on Monday, that everything will be done before Friday.
The phrase lickety split might even have been used.
I confirm once again that he has sent the insurance certificate to the managing company because the super seemed to indicate that he knew nothing about any kitchen remodeling.
“Yes. Long ago. Like two weeks ago. All set.”
“Ok, can you fax me a copy for my records, cause they’re saying they didn’t get anything from you.”
“Yes. No problem. Tomorrow.”
Ok. I was was calm. Will yell at the super tomorrow.
Well, lo and behold, a few hours after I yell at the super for losing the insurance certificate that was faxed loooong ago, the contractor calls to say “funny story…the telephone company disconnected his fax line and turns out he didn’t fax anything. BUT he was faxing it right away.”
Of course, that meant that he couldn’t work on Tuesday.
“But don’t worry, it goes very fast.”
I called him on Wednesday — from a closet phone in my building’s basement — as I have now exhausted every other phone between Brooklyn and the Upper East Side trying to trick him into answering.
“Have you started working, yet?”
“Well, no…but my guys will be there tomorrow.”
WHAT??????
“Don’t worry. We’ll be there first thing in the morning at nine.”
“Umm..you can’t work in the building until 10. Did you fax that certificate?”
“Yeah, yeah…no problem. I sent it.”
“Well, I never got a copy. Fax me the copy.”
“Oh, ok. What’s your number? I’ll send it.”
And then it was Thursday.
My mom took the day off, to accept some deliveries at the apartment — so imagine her surprise when she arrived at 12:45 p.m. to find everything just as it was on President’s Day — MONDAY — when we left and gave the contractor the key.
In fact, he didn’t show up until 1 p.m., when he came by with ONE guy, who, incidentally spoke no English, and then disappeared again.
The non-English speaking guy proceeded to take the cabinets apart, remove the microwave and refrigerator and disconnect the stove.
All the while smoking “like a chimney,” such that my whole apartment evidently reeks of Marlboro —which, of course, as the girl that’s allergic to air, I am totally psyched to hear.
And wouldn’t you know, after ripping my kitchen apartment apart, he left somehwhere around 3 p.m.
Terrific.
So, there you have it. I will be living, sans working appliances, in an apartment with smoking workers for the next — what? ten, twelve years of my life?
And I have no one to blame but myself.
or Ari.
Yes! Ari.
And, of course, Karol.
Hope you have the good guest sheets ready, cause I’ll be sleeping on your couch and using your kitchen until my apartment is finished.
February 24th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Dawn, that’s terrible! You should report him to the Better Business Bureau, if he’s working in construction without insurance, they will fine him and shut his business down.
February 24th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Dawn, that’s terrible! You should report him to the Better Business Bureau, if he’s working in construction without insurance, they will fine him and shut his business down.
February 24th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Dawn, that’s terrible! You should report him to the Better Business Bureau, if he’s working in construction without insurance, they will fine him and shut his business down.
February 24th, 2006 at 2:01 am
Yeah…usually when the despair passes, rage and vengeance follow quickly on its heels…but right now I’m still squarely at despair and just want the thing finished.
February 24th, 2006 at 2:01 am
Yeah…usually when the despair passes, rage and vengeance follow quickly on its heels…but right now I’m still squarely at despair and just want the thing finished.
February 24th, 2006 at 2:01 am
Yeah…usually when the despair passes, rage and vengeance follow quickly on its heels…but right now I’m still squarely at despair and just want the thing finished.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:20 am
There is one sentence you will repeat over and over again when doing remodeling or building.
Of course he did (fill in the worst thing imaginable including cannibalism); he is a contractor.
Also:
Remodeling is not a project it is a journey.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:20 am
There is one sentence you will repeat over and over again when doing remodeling or building.
Of course he did (fill in the worst thing imaginable including cannibalism); he is a contractor.
Also:
Remodeling is not a project it is a journey.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:20 am
There is one sentence you will repeat over and over again when doing remodeling or building.
Of course he did (fill in the worst thing imaginable including cannibalism); he is a contractor.
Also:
Remodeling is not a project it is a journey.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:41 am
My brother does an amazing Russian accent. Nyet?
February 24th, 2006 at 3:41 am
My brother does an amazing Russian accent. Nyet?
February 24th, 2006 at 3:41 am
My brother does an amazing Russian accent. Nyet?
February 24th, 2006 at 3:57 am
? have i met your brother?
February 24th, 2006 at 3:57 am
? have i met your brother?
February 24th, 2006 at 3:57 am
? have i met your brother?
February 24th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Who else would wreck such havoc on your life (at my behest, no less)? What if… the guy working on your kitchen - or not, really - was a supersecret operative Ari family member. Makes sense no?
But I was only messing with you.
February 24th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Who else would wreck such havoc on your life (at my behest, no less)? What if… the guy working on your kitchen - or not, really - was a supersecret operative Ari family member. Makes sense no?
But I was only messing with you.
February 24th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Who else would wreck such havoc on your life (at my behest, no less)? What if… the guy working on your kitchen - or not, really - was a supersecret operative Ari family member. Makes sense no?
But I was only messing with you.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Should you need it, we’ve got an spare bedroom in JC too… (with all of the accomodations to which you have become accustomed: HDTV, 2 x-boxes, DVD players and surround sound - even a computer for poker playing - come to think of it, other than food, there’s really no reason to ever leave it - so I am not quite sure why it’s still the spare room…)
February 24th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Should you need it, we’ve got an spare bedroom in JC too… (with all of the accomodations to which you have become accustomed: HDTV, 2 x-boxes, DVD players and surround sound - even a computer for poker playing - come to think of it, other than food, there’s really no reason to ever leave it - so I am not quite sure why it’s still the spare room…)
February 24th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Should you need it, we’ve got an spare bedroom in JC too… (with all of the accomodations to which you have become accustomed: HDTV, 2 x-boxes, DVD players and surround sound - even a computer for poker playing - come to think of it, other than food, there’s really no reason to ever leave it - so I am not quite sure why it’s still the spare room…)
February 24th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
HDTV? /Two/ x-boxes? Is this spare room offer to everyone?
February 24th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
HDTV? /Two/ x-boxes? Is this spare room offer to everyone?
February 24th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
HDTV? /Two/ x-boxes? Is this spare room offer to everyone?
February 24th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I have a friend who works for K. Hovnanian. He said that when he was a GC, he’d work whenever he damn well pleased, and if he promised to have it done ‘this week’, he meant ‘this month’. He said this with a straight face and no remorse. Sadly, it’s the state of the market.
February 24th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I have a friend who works for K. Hovnanian. He said that when he was a GC, he’d work whenever he damn well pleased, and if he promised to have it done ‘this week’, he meant ‘this month’. He said this with a straight face and no remorse. Sadly, it’s the state of the market.
February 24th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I have a friend who works for K. Hovnanian. He said that when he was a GC, he’d work whenever he damn well pleased, and if he promised to have it done ‘this week’, he meant ‘this month’. He said this with a straight face and no remorse. Sadly, it’s the state of the market.
February 24th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
I’m gonna start taking those Home Depo courses right now, so that if I ever own property, I’ll just do everything myself.
February 24th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
I’m gonna start taking those Home Depo courses right now, so that if I ever own property, I’ll just do everything myself.
February 24th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
I’m gonna start taking those Home Depo courses right now, so that if I ever own property, I’ll just do everything myself.
February 24th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Dawn,
Despite everything I usuallly say, you seem like a smart girl, so why did you stay in this abusive relationship so long…. was it because he really, really loved you? Did he treat you like that “for your own good?”
Seriously, how many chances does one guy get with you?
You should put a contract out on this guy (buy, uh, don’t use the Russian Mafia)
February 24th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Dawn,
Despite everything I usuallly say, you seem like a smart girl, so why did you stay in this abusive relationship so long…. was it because he really, really loved you? Did he treat you like that “for your own good?”
Seriously, how many chances does one guy get with you?
You should put a contract out on this guy (buy, uh, don’t use the Russian Mafia)
February 24th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Dawn,
Despite everything I usuallly say, you seem like a smart girl, so why did you stay in this abusive relationship so long…. was it because he really, really loved you? Did he treat you like that “for your own good?”
Seriously, how many chances does one guy get with you?
You should put a contract out on this guy (buy, uh, don’t use the Russian Mafia)
February 24th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I think a Nelson Muntz-style “Ha ha!” is probably appropriate here.
February 24th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I think a Nelson Muntz-style “Ha ha!” is probably appropriate here.
February 24th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I think a Nelson Muntz-style “Ha ha!” is probably appropriate here.
February 24th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
See, when this sort of thing happens in the south, the contractor is simply shot in the face with a shotgun. Works every time.
February 24th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
See, when this sort of thing happens in the south, the contractor is simply shot in the face with a shotgun. Works every time.
February 24th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
See, when this sort of thing happens in the south, the contractor is simply shot in the face with a shotgun. Works every time.