Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for June, 2005

BENNIFER: IT’S OFFICIAL

Thursday, June 30th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


BENNIFER: IT’S OFFICIAL

Affleck and Garner marry; expecting first child.

J-Lo released a brief statement: “Well, I guess my first name wasn’t the problem.”

USING CRIME TO PREVENT CRIME

Thursday, June 30th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


USING CRIME TO PREVENT CRIME

The details in the new attack, which were still emerging last night, appeared to be in some ways more complicated. Mr. Minucci, the accused, said that the three black men might have been looking at his jewelry earlier last week, and that he was responding to that when he came across them around 3 a.m. yesterday. For their part, two of the black men, according to police, admitted under questioning that they had been in the area with hopes of stealing a car.

But one law enforcement official said that at the time of the attack, the black men had done nothing more than be in Howard Beach around 3 a.m. And another official said that Mr. Minucci told investigators that after the beating, his companion said, “This is what you get if you want to rob white boys,” finishing the sentence with a racial epithet.

Couldn’t they have just said they got lost looking for a puppy?

A Prayer for Dawn Summers

Thursday, June 30th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

I have long avoided the clever “About Me” summary many bloggers permanently affix to their templates. If I’m being honest, it’s mostly because I have been too lazy to put together anything so comprehensive as to merit elevation to the ranks of Hopey and East Coco Beach — that is to say, among the very staple of Clareified’s Mount Rushmore: The Blog Banner.
But, if I’m less than honest, which I generally am, it is because I am just narcissistic enough to believe myself too complicated for such summary. “No one, not even I, knows the real me.”
I AM AN ENIGMA. (True story: the first time someone called me that, I thought they said “enema.” I was fixing to fight.)
But that’s me, not Dawn.
Dawn Summers is an open book…er…blog:

To plagiarize a little Tom Petty:

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus, and America too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout Aiken
Hates horses, and her best friend too

And, well, gosh, since I’ve been Dawn Summers in some form or another going on three years now, I thought I’d explain how it all started.

Now, I’m talking about a time before Annika was a muvian, back when candace blogged from oblivion (instead of disappearing into it), even before I even really knew what a blog was. Hard to imagine, but I only knew one person who blogged. And she was decidedly undercover. I would read “Kashei” only on the occasions when I was cornered during a phone conversation with the “did you read my blog” question.
“Umm…yeah…what’s a blog again? “
After a few months, I would stumble by whenever I got bored surfing whatever it is I used to surf before blogs – probably deja news, cnn, buffy sites, etc. (“Before blogs.” Shudder.)
One day, I came across some drivel kashei had written about affirmative action being racist.
Grr.
I’ll racist you, I thought, as I hammered out my first comment.
In the name field I had written Buffy Summers.
“Nah, she’ll know that’s me.”
I changed it to Willow Rosenberg.
Too Jewish to be me.
Xena?
She’ll know that’s me too.
Then it was settled: Dawn Summers.
More me than Willow, less me than Buffy.
I clicked post.
I was in the midst of a huge document review in a windowless conference room at Old LLP, so spent most of my working day away from a computer, but I was anxious to see what the crazies at Spot On would say about my comment.
So a little after lunch I checked back in to Karol’s blog.
Lo and behold there was a message – to me.
It read, in relevant part, “I would like to welcome my best friend “Dawn Summers” to my blog. She is a wacky liberal and I imagine that we’ll be seeing more comments from her in the future that we can laugh at. Bush/Cheney ‘04”
Evidently, although Dawn Summers was not as much me as Buffy, my syntax and writing tone were unmistakeably mine.
I had been identified and outed in one fell swoop.
Although I commented with other monikers every now and then, my very public baptism as Dawn Summers stuck.
I suppose if I had known that my disguise would fail, I might have chosen a nom de plume slightly more sophisticated or, at least I would have picked a television character that doesn’t make me cringe to think of her.
Truthfully though, I rarely think of Michelle’s irritating screech when I see or hear the name.
Dawn Summers is (mostly) all me now, if not her own personage altogether.
I am often still startled when someone mentions something to me in real life that I have posted on this page.
“How did he know that?”
I am baffled when I get sympathy for Dawn’s failings and bad days.
“Huh? What? Ohhhh…right…no, I’m fine. Thanks.”
It’s a little like Fight Club. Rule #1.
A co-worker sent me an e-mail the other day about people with blogs getting fired and I very casually replied “good thing I don’t have a blog.”
And I don’t.
Dawn does, which works out, since goodness knows what I would ever write about.
I am, after all, an enigma.

RUSSIANS TAKING A BEATING TODAY

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


RUSSIANS TAKING A BEATING TODAY

From an ex-pat and a Russophile.

DON’T SAY I NEVER DID NOTHIN FOR YA

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


DON’T SAY I NEVER DID NOTHIN FOR YA

Ladies and Gentlemen who were planning to spend waste any hard earned or easily inherited money on ‘War of the Worlds:’

Don’t.

Seriously. Go see something else, buy a snack, donate it to charity, set it on fire — any of these uses are vastly superior to exchanging it for a ticket to see that craptacular display of suckingness.

And just so you know that I am not some elitist movie snob, I am the one that proclaimed ‘Sahara’ (yes, with Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz) the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND MAKING MOVIES. (And before anyone even so much as thinks about disagreeing with me, you name me another movie where a cannon ball shoots down a helicopter…yup…that’s what I thought.)

Which brings me back to ‘War of the Worlds’ or as I am calling it ‘Speilberg and Cruise Vomit All Over Movie Theaters Near You,’ don’t do it to yourselves people.

Here are the best (and now, I’m not saying good here, just best) lines/moments:

Tom Cruise: And do you have a plan that doesn’t involve your ten-year-old sister joining the army?

Tim Robbins’ face’s first on-screen appearance.

The rest of the movie is as follows:

People sulk
Children scream
Aliens attack
Children scream
Tom Cruise runs (you know that Tom Cruise run — he realizes the danger, turns his face in profile, close-up on nose, and then his legs hammer away like pistons for two minutes. See Firm, The; Impossible:Mission, Minority Report, The)
Repeat.

Not even Netflix worthy.

GET YOUR FREE ICE CREAM

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


GET YOUR FREE ICE CREAM

There.

MCMILLAN BACK TO ‘WAITING TO EXHALE’

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

MCMILLAN BACK TO ‘WAITING TO EXHALE’

Author divorces man who inspired ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back’ after learning he is gay.

My favorite part: In response, Plummer maintained McMillan treated him with “homophobic” scorn bordering on harassment since he came out to her as gay just before Christmas.

I’m guessing he should be thanking his lucky stars that that’s all she treated him to.

Hmmm…do any white people know who she is?

SOOO HUNGRY…

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

SOOO HUNGRY…(Or live blogging HTAAF)

3:26 p.m. I am very hungry.
3:27 p.m. Still starving.
3:33 p.m. Growl, growl.
3:34 p.m. So…really this has become live blogging Dawn Summers’ Tuesday afternoon.
3:41 What shenanigans are these? Evidently Dorian Davis is now a “commenter” on the “radio show.” Who’s up next week? Karol’s brother? Her cat?
4:00 Are there people who read this weekly “collection of snarky comments and giddy mishearings” who don’t listen to the “radio” show itself?
4:02 Are there people who read this weekly “collection of snarky comments and giddy mishearings?”
4:03 My stomach has begun to digest itself.
4:06 Karl Rove can’t pronounce savagery.
4:06 Ace: “Making a point which seems well nigh irrefutable, yet people are trying to refute it.”
4:07 OOOh, I wanna be a Senator in tennis shoes!
4:07 Ace didn’t know that Osama bin Laden was such a supporting of working moms. Karol: “he’s a humanitarian!”
4:08 Senator Patty Murray usually clocks in a number 1 on the stupid Senators list…(good thing there is not a corresponding “internet radio hosts” list)
4:08 Howard Dean quote “he wanted to withhold judgment on Osama bin Laden” (that crazy, crazy Dean)
4:09 “interestingly enough” when DeLay was being investigated Dean said that De Lay should be indicted. (Does Ace know what interestingly means?)
4:10 Kerry wondered if the War on Terror was really a war. (ummm…I think that was Bush)
4:11 “What Rove said about liberals wanting to prepare indictments and therapy is obviously an exaggeration since liberals didn’t want to do anything at all”
4:11 This is now the third time they have told the Afghanistan sanctions story…and it wasn’t that great the first time around.
4:12 Twelve minutes and no attack on the liberal media.
4:14 HAHAHAHAHHAAHAH “NYT is now squawking that we have psychologists helping interrogate prisoners in Afghanistan”
4:15 NYT is very upset about just using psychologist. “Liberals don’t like war and they will criminalize everything about war.
4:15 Ace: “I have no doubt that people are being tortured in some places and I support that.”
4:16 Liberals have to answer the question affirmatively, what tactics would you support to extract information.
4:16 This is the first HTAAF guest that I’ve actually met.
4:17 Let’s start right on Hustler and Penthouse. There is a profile of Gorin in Penthouse because she is a comedian and they do one a month. (No, dawn’s blog did not say Penthouse tries to do one a month.)
4:17 Ace: “Will Hustler do a hatchet job on you?”
4:18 I didn’t know he was leftist when I did the interview. “As long as you have a promise from a leftist journalist that they’ll be fair, then there’s no cause to fear”
4:19 “everybody knows the democrats don’t belong in the white house…they belong in museums and cafes”
4:19 Are they really mad at this or just trying to create some news.
4:19 No, it’s payback for the Durbin thing.
4:20 I like how the Democrats are the biggest defenders of the War on Terror ever.
4:20 Giggle-Mania 2005 Gorin: 7; Karol 4.
4:21 Von Bek! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
4:21 LOVE the VON BEK. “The movement to ban war came from the right, not the left.” HAHAHHAA But come on, Ace is wrong about more than one thing.
4:22 The Russia guy wrote to his mom “please this is a resort compared to Russia.”
4:23 These are the same people exhorting the virtues of Cuba.
4:23 People were patriotic for one week, just long enough to get the patriot act passed.
4:23 For a period of two weeks there was unanimity that we needed to act.
4:24 “When we weren’t seizing a city a day, suddenly it was a quagmire.”
4:28 “get me the Oxycontin and I am ready for the big time”
4:29 Ace doesn’t read KArol’s site.
4:29 Greenville John “sounds like conservative beliefs” Can a Jewish conservative comedian make it in NY or anywhere else”
4:29 I’m not such a minority as an extra terrestial. After all the conservatives started coming out of the closet after 9/11, I finally got an audience (hmm…so the building collapse did not only sent the rats scurrying.)
4:31 Ace(a reimagining): “Are conservatives so starved for approval that they will even laught your act”
4:31 Gigglefest 2005 Gorin:16 Karol:9 (It’s a blow out people!)
4:32 “nasueating Bill Maher audiences are testing you to see how funny you can be.”
4:32 conservative comedy is about setting fire to homeless people?
4:33 Ace is big on the cursing…conservatives can handle about three curses an hour?
4:33 “Do not switch the dial because you heard Kosovo” (umm..Julia, if we didn’t switch “the dial” by now…we’re here to stay.)
4:34 We were allied with Al quaeda against christian serbs who were dealing with terrorism in their own backyard.
4:34 Julia “is on a crusade” about this.
4:35 Ethnic Albanian….blah blah blah erstwhile saviors blah blah blah…”my fellow americans if kosovo is given independence we wil have to leave. We are so screwed if they get independence”
4:36 karol “what did we do wrong first?” “our flawed policy started with bosnia which causes people’s eyes to glaze over even more than kosovo.”
4:37 Man, I wish asphnxma would call.
4:37 “We don’t know anything, is what Ace is trying to say.” – Karol (Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a motto for HTAAF)
4:39 Ummm…Julia, we’re trying to live-blog what you’re syaing…please stop saying mujahadeen.
4:39 She hasn’t blamed Clinton yet…Wesley Clark took a few jabs for “his friends and fundraisers” who want war.
4:40 Ace(As if he reads my comments): “Clinton was trying a cutsey three bumper play”
4:41 “So what’s the question Ace?
4:41 “Anti-semites are out and about and they’re not going back” (hmmm…sounds like new york conservatives.
4:42 ring, ring.
4:44 Soo hungry.
4:46 “Why were you on MTV and more importantly why wasn’t I” (Ace, funny.) Dorian’s “trick” is that he can name all the number one songs and how long they were number one.
4:47 “That was absolutely never a number one song” (wheels in the sky by journey)
4:47 Ace you have unconventional taste. Tehse were not number songs)
4:48 Hit me Baby one more time — was number 1 for two weeks in 1999. Karol: “See that’s skill, whether we don’t know if it’s true is neither here nor there.”
4:48 He pegged a recent song down to the year it was released, I’m impressed (Heh.)
4:48 Dorian “It’s two against one, I am very nervous”
4:49 I don’t believe that setting things on fire counts as speech, that’s violent activity, not speech.
4:49 The reason I am against it they are trying to make teh point that they we live in a racist, fascist country and the fact that they aren’t arrested proves that they don’t live.
4:50 Dorian: “That’s a fabulous point” Love the Dorian.
4:51 Dorian is a Buchanite right wing conservative “and you also happen to be gay” – Ace after making sure everyone knows that he cleared this with Dorian beforehand.
4:52 Phelps is “not on our side” “I wanna more about Fred Phelps before I claim him as anyhwere near on my side”
4:52 Ace: “How does that make you feel?”
Dorian: “The entire liberal establishment hates me”(Wait, really? I NEVER GET THESE DAMN MEMOS)
4:53 Dorian “We are all united in the larger cause of making this country, the best country it can be”
4:54 Hustler, Penthouse and now they are broadcasting from the “very echoy Playboy mansion grotto”? What is going on in that “studio”? Everything must be sooo sticky.
4:58 “Dorian is a bit perturbed by this court”
most lackluster do0-nothing Supreme Court “in my lifetime” which is barely 21…Ace: “God, I hate you!” (Indeed -ed.)
4:59 Ace: I blame Sandra Day O’connor, “she constantly turns the law into dog food.” “She won’t settle on a brightline rule and … I won’t shed any tears when she retires. Who is going to replace her Dorian?”
4:59 Dorian: “I would like to see Pricilla Owens or Janice Rogers elevated to replace her.”

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Monday, June 27th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


GOD BLESS AMERICA

Supreme Court rules against Ten Commandments display in courthouses.

BRING ME HIS HEAD

Sunday, June 26th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

BRING ME HIS HEAD