Clareified

Those days are gone forever; I should just let 'em go but…

Archive for February, 2005

DUMBEST HEADLINE, POSSIBLY, EVER

Monday, February 28th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


DUMBEST HEADLINE, POSSIBLY, EVER

Prosecution Portrays Jackson As Molester.

No kidding. Isn’t that what he’s charged with? On the other hand “Prosecution admits trial simply ruse to meet the King of Pop’…now that would be a headline.

I NEED A ZARIY BONRELAXER IN A JIF

Monday, February 28th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

I NEED A ZARIY BONRELAXER IN A JIF

How to win big at Scrabble in one easy step.

Of course, in my own defense, Rick so started it with his: “There is a person who is lax and then a person who is laxer.”

OSCAR 2005 IS…

Monday, February 28th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

OSCAR 2005 IS…

Chris Rock is funny as hell.

Morgan Freeman is grace personified.

Halle Berry is the woman.

Robin Williams is crazy in a good way.

Drew Barrymore is in desperate need of a new stylist.

Beyonce is smoking hot.

Cate Blanchett is long overdue.

Adam Sandler is officially fat.

Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz is Hollywood’s next ‘It Couple.’

Jake Gyllenhall is not attractive bald.

Antonio Banderas is…a singer?

Prince is a sexy mother– shut yo mouth.

Natalie Portman is in need of a dress that fits.

Samuel L. Jackson is getting old.

Charlie Kaufman is adorable.

Sean Penn is crazy in a bad way.

Hilary Swank is annoying.

Annette Bening is pissed the hell off.

Chad Lowe is glad for the chance to be seen again.

Oprah is amazing.

Jamie Foxx is endearing.

Clint Eastwood is the man.

Martin Scorsese is going to kill himself.

Julia Roberts is so yesterday.

Clint Eastwood’s mom is…well…alive. DYYYAAAMMMM.

*****UPDATE*****: Candace has gone elementary school teacher on my ass, and corrected this post to her liking. Let’s just say, there is a lot of red pen usage.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Sunday, February 27th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Dawn likes her coffee like Rick likes his Dawns.”

–Rick Blaine’s wife, formerly known as “Ilsa” on my daily no milk, no sugar cup of joe.

On an unrelated note, I would like to take this opportunity and say to pearatty: Heh.

Up Next: The Lost City of Atlantis

Saturday, February 26th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

Up Next: The Lost City of Atlantis

Rick Blaine after flipping through ten or so songs on poddy:

“Oh my God, you have cripplingly bad taste in music.”

So, there it is. I have found the Rick/Karol common ground.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Saturday, February 26th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Dawn Summers on location at Rick’s Cafe Americain headquarters

To the good people responsible for sign making in the greater Oakland area, in the interest of motorist safety, if a certain entrance ramp leads both to 880 East and 880 West, it’s probably a good idea for the sign marker on that ramp to simply read “880″ rather than “880 West” causing a motorist looking for 880 East to almost make a U-turn on the single lane ramp and get him or herself killed by oncoming traffic.

That is all.

DAWN SUMMERS SOCCER MOM

Friday, February 25th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

DAWN SUMMERS SOCCER MOM

In preparation for my trip out West, I spent all of last week uploading pretty much every CD I own to my ipod (which I affectionately call “poddy”). Since I was renting a car and would be driving all around a place where I didn’t know any radio stations, I wanted to make sure I’d have musical entertainment for my plane and car journeys. The night before I left, I went to Tower Records and picked up one of the Maxell tape deck converters so I could play Poddy in the car and I charged her to the max, so she’d last the whole plane ride.

Poddy worked like a charm on the place. Without fumbling around my carryon for unlabelled mix CDs until I found the one I wanted, I just played my “recently added” playlist. I lip synched and chair danced for two hours before the movie and two hours after. My seat neighbor may have been slightly frightened, but I had a blast.

When I reached the Hertz agency — which if you’ve ever rented a car at the San Francisco airport, you know is about a 30 minute commute for the terminal, by foot and monorail — I checked in to make sure my secretary had reserved a car for me.

“Yes, Ms. Summers. We have you down for a mid-size vehicle.”

Perfect.

“Would you like to upgrade?”

“Is it free?”

“Well, your company has a special rate, but for a full-size or SUV it would be a little more.”

“No thanks. I just need a car with a tape deck.”

“Well, ma’am, most of our cars actually have CD players now.”

“Umm…but I need a car with a tape. So, just give me one of the ones with a tape deck.”

“Well, we have CD players.”

“Yes, I know. But do you have any with tape players?”

By now, having exceeded the allotted time for handling a car rental, we had attracted the attention of the rental agency manager.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Well, I just need a car with a tape deck, not a CD player.”

“Oh, did you only bring tapes with you?”

“No…I have an ipod and the only adapter is a tape based one.”

“James, can you call downstairs and see if they can locate a car with a tape deck.”

Through the telephone receiver, I could hear a gruff voice say something to the effect that to his knowledge none of his staff were from the planet Krypton and without the benefit of X-ray vision there was no way for him to tell which cars had a tape player.

James slowly hung up the phone and flashed a nervous smile to his supervisor.

“Ma’am, we have many new cars. They are all 2005 models.”

“Yes, I’m sure, but I will rent the 1995 model if it means I get a tape player. Basically, I want a tape player, ideally there would be a car around it — but playing my ipod is the most important thing.”

His supervisor suggested that he check the features guide for larger cars to see if maybe they had both.

“How about the Outback?”

After tapping the keyboard for a few minutes, he looked up:

“Well, it doesn’t say it doesn’t have a tape player.”

“What does that mean?”

“Ummm….well, it could have a tape player.”

Yes, I’m sure and it could fly, but how about we find out.

Evidently, using her powers of telepathy, his supervisor jumped in before I uttered a word.

“James, call down and see if they can send someone to check the car.”

Five minutes later the call came back from downstairs.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Dammit.

“We’re really sorry about this, but we’ll give you the Outback for no extra charge, how about that?”

“Fine.”

Now, understand, when I said “Fine” I expected the “Outback” to be some kind of four wheel drive, bright red SUV-type vehicle — however, when I got down to the parking lot and triple-checked to make sure this was really lot 233 — I was staring at nothing less than your American nightmare.

Parked in lot 233 was an oversized beige station wagon, large enough for a family of 8. Where the trunk should be was a third back seat that had to be pushed down to make room for — I don’t know, groceries and little Timmy’s baseball equipment.

Of course, after having already spent forty minutes renting the damn thing, there was no way I was going back upstairs to trade it in.

I climbed into the driver’s seat, adjusted the seat, started the engine and left all remnants of my hip young self in the rental agency parking.

Hopefully, I can pick it up when I return the car.

Now, what the hell do middle aged women listed to? On the radio.

INQUIRING MINDS

Thursday, February 24th, 2005 by Dawn Summers

INQUIRING MINDS

Is everyone as dangerous behind the wheel of a rental car as I am?

Like you spend a few minutes trying to figure out how to adjust your mirrors, fail and just pull out figuring, ‘eh, it’s good enough. Hopefully, there won’t any small vehicles on the road?”

Or shouting “oops” when you realize you haven’t quite moved your foot far enough over and end up hitting the edge of the accelarator again, instead of the brakes?

Or thinking “wow, this wheel is really sensitive” after ending up two lanes left of where you where aiming?

No?

Ok, well, if you’re in the Berkeley area watch out of the 2005 beige Hatchback, lord knows the driver can’t see you.

AND FOUND

Thursday, February 24th, 2005 by Dawn Summers


AND FOUND

That was the best hour of television I have seen all year. Damn. As for that stupid piece or crap kid, hopefully whatever ate the pilot gets him. And his little dog too.

MORE LIKE EVERY CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 by Dawn Summers


MORE LIKE EVERY CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Bi-partisan panel criticizes President Bush cure-all legislation.