Clareified

Where does the good go

DEAR OPRAH,

DEAR OPRAH,

Hi. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Oprah, but I figure since I’ve been writing to you for thirteen years, have seen all your movies (including ‘The Women of Brewster Place’, but I assume you got my letter about how that movie changed my life -I spit on every cut now), buy every book you tell me to, subscribe to your magazine, give subscriptions out as Christmas presents, and endorsed you for President (even though I suspect that you are a Republican, not that I wouldn’t switch parties if I thought that would please you) it would be alright if I addressed you in the familiar.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing to you this time is I just wondered what I did to anger you. What have I ever done but admire you and aspire to someday have you adopt me?

I mean, I have racked my brain for the last few hours since finally finishing Anna Karenina, and I cannot figure out why you would do that to me.

To say that the book sucked, would not really capture the irritation of wondering how Tolstoy could still have 81 pages left after the title character has been crushed to death. It hardly seems fair that she should escape the misery of her own tome, while the reader suffers through yet more mundane explorations of European agricultural philosophy.

Why would you force me to walk back and forth with that 850 page book when you knew how awful it was? And I know you knew, no good novel would mention Schopenhauer in passing. No, no this was some sort of medieval punishment, but I can’t for the life of me imagine for what.

Now, I know you have never responded to any of my letters before (or read them on the air), but I hope you answer this one, so that I can know my transgression and avoid upsetting you in the future.

I hope you, Stedman and your dogs are all well. You look fantastic by the way, this season has been one your best.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Dawn Summers

P.S. As always I would love an autographed picture if you could send me one. Thanks!

16 Responses to “DEAR OPRAH,”

  1. Gertie Says:

    No way. I just bought Anna K. Even thought I too want to be adopted by Oprah (although, perhaps in a different way than you?), I didn’t know she “prescribed” this book. Oy. All I can say thus far is “Oy.”

    I am reading it for my own amusement; mainly because there are so many references to it I feel lost…?

  2. Dawn Summers Says:

    Gertie, it’s not worth it I know you bought already, but I suggest you used it to prop up broken furniture or hold open doors during the summers months.

  3. ivanlenin Says:

    Tolstoy sucks. But, why read books you don’t like? Are you really a fan of Oprah’s?

  4. annie Says:

    AK is my favorite! But i admit, i read it a few years ago, when i was in a more academic state of mind. i don’t know that i could read it for fun today. It’s a huge investment in time and effort, and i did it when i was riding public transportation every day. i’d also agree that the Levin storyline is an unfair price to pay just to read the Ana storyline. But since i read it back in the days when i was a history grad student, i actually was interested in 19th Century Russian life.

    Since you didn’t like AK, if by some chance Oprah ever recommends The Brothers Karamazov, i’d suggest you take a pass on that one.

  5. Gib Says:

    Did you just give away the ending?

  6. Monjo Says:

    If you watched the film you’d have know she died halfway through

  7. Gib Says:

    I have neither watched the film nor read the book. And, in truth, I never planned to do either. Although from this day forth, should anyone point out this major cultural failing on my part, I intend to blame Dawn.

    “See, I had just started reading it, looking forward to broadening my horizons with this literary classic…when crazy old Dawn Summers gave away the ending.”

    Yeah, I like how that sounds…

  8. asphnxma Says:

    I can’t believe you’d trash this novel. It’s fantastic! Though I do agree that it should have ended with her death (or shortly thereafter). That last 50-80 pages of the novel are boring and painful.

  9. Dawn Summers Says:

    Nice try, Gib. But if you didn’t know Anna Karenina throws herself under a train before now, you’ve already culturally failed. Further, if you are not going to read it based on my review, then I have saved you a valuable four/five months of your life and deserve no less than having your first born child named after me.

  10. Gib Says:

    I own all seven seasons of Buffy on DVD. I am nobody’s cultural failure.

  11. Signor_Ferrari Says:

    While I didn’t see the greatness of War and Peace, AK is one of the best books I have ever read.

    I will admit that it was one of the first books I read FOR a literature class and I did for that book something I had never done before, or since, I took notes on the story as I read it (you can see how long I lasted as a diligent student).

    Not my style (taking notes on anything), but I do think it helped in that instance to tie all the storylines and characters together — and I’ve always wondered if I did the same for War and Peace would it have been equally amazing (my guess is no).

    Give it another try Dawn…you missed out on this one.

  12. Dawn Summers Says:

    “give it another try” hahahahahahaha. If I could undo the first try without invasive surgery or severe liver damage, I would.

  13. pearatty Says:

    Also, Gib, Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.

  14. Dawn Summers Says:

    hahahahahahahahha…he does have all seven seasons of Buffy on DVD though. I gotta admit that’s impressive. I’m still missing the Riley-polooza that was season 4, the way rated R Season 6 and the i-still-can’t-believe-it’s-over season 7.

  15. Gib Says:

    Not only all seven seasons of Buffy, but also three seasons of Angel (1, 2, and 4 IIRC), and Firefly.

    Pearatty: Darth who is the what now?

  16. Hi there Says:

    Are you there?

    All the darkness in the world cannot put out the smallest candle. The darker it is, more brightly shines the candle. instead of complaining about the dark search for your candle. Believe me; It exists

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