Clareified

CONCEDERS NEVER WIN

Suck on it, John Kerry.

‘WALL’-MART

Last week plaintiff’s filed a lawsuit against the superstore Wal-mart complaining that the chain, which promises G-rated entertainment, was selling an Evanescence CD with racy lyrics in one song.

The hit group’s latest CD and DVD, “Anywhere But Home,” don’t carry parental advisory labels alerting potential buyers to the obscenity. If they did, Wal-Mart wouldn’t carry them, according to the retailer’s policy.

But the lawsuit claims Wal-Mart knew about the explicit lyrics in the song, “Thoughtless,” because it censored the word in a free sample available on its Web site and in its stores.

Wal-mart reps responded that they strive to keep their stores free of “objectionable material,” and just didn’t know about the dirty word.

Plaintiffs dismissed the suggestion that Wal-Mart stores didn’t know about the censored version of the song. “They are a multimillion-dollar corporation and they certainly can communicate among their various entities,” he said.

Yesterday the invisible wall of information got Wal-mart in trouble again when a couple sued the chain for their daughter’s suicide.

Near the end of her short life, Shayla Stewart, a diagnosed manic-depressive and schizophrenic, assaulted police officers and was arrested for attacking a fellow customer at a Denton Wal-Mart where she had a prescription for anti-psychotic medication.

Given all those signs, her parents say, another Wal-Mart just seven miles away should have never sold her the shotgun she used to kill herself at age 24 in 2003.

Personally, I like the fact that if Wal-Mart had known that Evanescence said the F-word on one of their tracks it never would have sold the CD, but a twelve gauge shot gun? No problem. Inoffensive indeed.

SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE THEIR TASERS

Miami police taser man in wheelchair.

And quick.

QUICK, GET LINDSAY LOHAN’S AGENT ON THE PHONE!

Parent Trap 2! This time, identical twins swap clothes, so the incarcerated one could escape!

My favorite part?

After visiting hours ended, the inmate walked out, pretending to be his brother. Faced with the prospect of spending the night in jail, his brother admitted the ruse to prison guards.

yeah, somebody so didn’t think this all the way through.

SEEKING ALL PLAINTIFFS’ LAWYERS

If a company, let’s call it Poker Party, allows you to easily withdraw money from your checking account to play its online games, but then sets up a panapoly of unpredictable, possibly disclosed in a disclaimer agreement that nobody reads, hurdles for you to deposit money won from said online games back into your checking account, is this actionable? Also if you have less than a dollar in your Poker Party account and the company won’t let you deposit less than $50 back into your checking account, meaning they keep your $0.22 forever, is that actionable?

MAD ABOUT HARRY

J.K. Rowling has announced the next volume in the series will be out during Dawn’s 2005 Birthday Season.

HEY NEW YORK CITY!

It’s warmer in Anchorage, Minneapolis, and Denver.

IS THE FIRST TERM OVER YET?

The Bush Administration sucks and how.

Man of the year indeed.

PITY PARTY, TABLE FOR ONE

I’m not much of a complainer (whining, ranting, criticizing, yes - complaining, no) and since this has been a fairly craptastic month (In the weeks since I blew out my knee, I’ve stabbed myself in the hand, twisted an ankle and fallen face-down into the street , scraped my knee on asphalt, lost hundreds of American dollars on Party Poker, sliced my thumb, had my first magazine submission rejected, lost an open, half-full bottle of Snapple in my office, banged my head on a car door and crunched the tips of my fingers while closing a window), there’s been very little to blog about. (Frankly, I blame Alceste). But hopefully, I’m on the precipice of a turnaround. Last night the good people of Circuit City delivered my spanking new 27 inch flatscreen for my bedroom and the gigantor 55 inch television for the living room. Oh, HDTV, where have you been all my life? Unfortunately, I lost control of the remote fairly early on, so sadly the television’s maiden viewing was of Eddie. Yes, the one with Whoopi Goldberg and her non-Ted Danson boyfriend -all 55 inches of it. My TV was christened with ‘Desperate Housewives’ — that Zach kid is uuuhhhhhhgggglleeee. I just thought he had bad hair. Plus, my TV has a built in DVD player, so I played the Simpsons Season 3 DVDs which someone generously got for me off my Amazon Wish List, until I fell asleep.
This morning I arrived to work to find my Fantasy team had inexplicably managed to topple goliath, but there was also snow on the ground and it was colder than a witch’s teat — so I’d say so far today is draw.

BAH HUMBUG

I was hoping that Rex Van der Kamp’s secret was that he was gay.