Clareified

Those who can’t, blog

Ladies & Gentleman in her first appearance at the Blog Factory… Dawn Summers:

So, have you seen the story about the girl that was arrested for killing her mother a week before Thanksgiving?
It just boggles the mind how stupid some people are, I mean one week. Come on.
All she had to do was wait just seven more days and I’m sure it would have been a justifiable homicide — I mean … oh …I’m sorry officer, but apparently nothing I’ve ever done has been good enough and the carving knife was just there.
“Huh. Girl makes a good point. Alright, pack it up boys, nothing to see here.”
No, bad Dawn.
That’s very, very wrong. Bad, bad Dawn. That’s not at all what Jesus would do.
What would Jesus do? It’s a very big question these days — have fun at the prom Lucy, but just think about what Jesus would do. Now, Timmy you could have that extra snack and ruin your dinner, but what would Jesus do?
They’ve even got braclets and knapsacks that just say “WWJD” — that’s how commonplace it’s become TGIF, LOL, WWJD.
What Would Jesus Do?
Yeah, not for nothing people, but whatever Jesus did, got him killed.
And not just killed, nailed to a cross in broad daylight for like two days.
Now, Jesus is my homeboy and all, but alls I’m sayin’ is let’s all aim a little higher than cruxification in our day-to-day lives.
You know, I’ve always wondered about that word: cruxification — can you believe there was a time when people were so often getting affixed to crosses, that someone had to come up with a name for it?
“Dammit! Brutus, I can’t keep chiseling “man nailed to giant T-shaped planks” there’s just not enough room on tablets.”
“Alright, alright, alright, how about crucify.”
“Hmm, that’s good. You got one for “woman’s head removed from the body?”
“Ummm..try… decapitation!”
They were very good with coming up with words back then, all we do today is attach “rage” or “syndrome” and we’re done.
Even our magazines have weak names, Time? People? Heeb? That’s right “Heeb” because Jewish men aren’t stereotyped enough as whiny, neurotic mamas boys, we now have a magazine that rhymes with dweeb to remind us.
Actually, that joke is dedicated to Material Squirrel.
I don’t know if you’re allowed to dedicate jokes to people. I mean this is only my first imaginary stand-up routine, but if so, this “you’re so ugly” joke goes out to Mrs. Tyler who gave me a ‘Needs Improvement’ in fifth grade.
Yeah, I’m still working on it, biatch.
I know a bunch of people who are lawyers and stand-up comics on the side, which is probably a very good combination. Being a stand-up comic must really boost your confidence in the courtroom.
Like, you’re all in the middle of your closing statement, and opposing counsel says “objection!”
You’d just turn around and be all “Objection? Objection? are you kidding me? Do I come down to where you work and knock the license plate outta your hand?”
And don’t get me started on the judge — if he gets all up in your face, you just look him up and down and say:
“A robe? Really? You do know those are only for monks and people who are still figuring out what they actually plan to wear.”

Thank you, that’s my time — I’ll be here all year.

This entry was posted by Dawn Summers on Monday, November 29th, 2004 at 3:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.