DON’T DO THIS AT HOME, DAWN
Remember a couple of years ago when Johnny Knoxville got in a boatload of trouble because kids were copying his ‘Jackass’ stunts and landing themselves in the hospital? I laughed. Pointed fingers. Called them names.
Now, I feel their pain.
Well, not the physical searing sensation of the kid that set himself on fire, but I have been burned.
Sucked in by Celebrity Poker.
Shannon Elizabeth, Ben Affleck, Paul Rudd, the cast of the West Wing… they made it seem so easy, fun, without risk.
You go all in and double your money — or get a trip to the lounge for non-winners.
How hard could it be?
So, after watching all five episodes of Celebrity poker and the Celebrity Poker Champion Showdown, off I went for MLK weekend to Atlantic City to try my hand at playing Texas hold ‘em in the famed Tropicana Poker room.
(OK, seriously, stop laughing. If Creed’s lead singer can do it, how hard could it be, plus the show didn’t have any warnings, so it’s not my fault.)
Now, I was told not to play my first hand unless I was certain I would win, but since I was the big blind and I had a queen and a jack, I thought — why fold?
Twenty-four dollars later, it was clear.
The next two hands followed suit, although I started folding earlier and losing less.
When I was down about sixty dollars, I mercifully won a hand.
The dealer, however dampened the victory when she mockingly said:
“I can’t believe you checked on a Royal Flush.”
(For those of you unfamiliar with Texas hold ‘em…um….I can’t really help with the explanations as this post is making painfully clear…)
The win put me up about 20 dollars on the night… why doesn’t anyone walk away when they’re up?
I didn’t win another hand, but left the table with 51 dollars of my starting amount.
I decided to “play the ponies” because I remember being really good about picking the winners when my mom and her friend would take me to the track when I was little.
I picked the horses based on whether I liked their names “Alikeit” was a favorite.
“Wewin” seemed a bit cocky.
Alikeit came in fourth. D’oh!
I woke up bright and early the next day to hit the tables with a fresh wad of cash (obviously, last night’s ATM machine had been jinxed) — I was on a roll. I won three hands in a row (although again mocked for checking with trip kings.)
One rowdy, loud, already-drunk-at-10-am-gambler exclaimed — “God, this girl doesn’t know how to bet. If I had her hands I’d clean you all out!”
Gee, thanks, mister.
Then, the tide turned.
Well, not-so-much “turned” as rose above my head, swallowed me whole and spit me out onto the freezing AC boardwalk.
Don’t count on ‘flopping a straight’, don’t bet on getting the flush on the river, don’t bet into a man holding the fourth 8 when three are on the table.
Damn you, Nicole Sullivan for making ’sucking out’ look easy.
Damn you, Kevin Pollack for making me think that somehow my charity would get $5000 win or lose.
Poker sucks.
Atlantic City sucks.
Wait a minute. Celebrity Poker is played in Vegas, at the Sands!
What was I thinking?
It wasn’t me or the poker or the ATM machine, I’ve just got to go to Vegas.
That’s the ticket. Vegas and Ugarte. I’ll read Ugarte and go to Vegas.
I knew TV would never let me down.