Clareified

Where does the good go

Archive for January, 2004

THE KID IS NOT HIS SON….

Monday, January 26th, 2004 by Dawn Summers

THE KID IS NOT HIS SON….heee heee

Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is reportedly suing him for custody of their two children.

She also says that he is not the father of the children as she was artificially inseminated with donated sperm…

The plot thickens.

BITTEN BY THE FLU BUG

Monday, January 26th, 2004 by Dawn Summers

BITTEN BY THE FLU BUG

Four days ago, I was hit with the second worst bout of the flu in my life. Luckily, between the powerful anti-biotics and bottles of Nyquil, I was only conscious of the last couple of days. The best the thing about the final days of a bad illness is that while you don’t feel like death warmed over, you can still lolly-gag about the house watching tv in a t-shirt and slippers.
I am now certain that if there were a channel that showed the Simpsons and Law & Order all day-long, I would never leave the house again.

Another 21 Questions

Sunday, January 25th, 2004 by Dawn Summers

Another 21 Questions

Forget Ralph Nader, the real “spoiler” of election 2000 for Al Gore was Lehrer. His ridiculous questions about Gore’s “veracity” were unfair, irrelevant and hurtful. There were no similar questions about “mental capacity” for Governor Bush. So, as I watch the debates and Sunday morning shows, I have been looking for an acceptable moderator for the 2004 debates, I like Russert best so far, but I’m really looking for the man or woman who is willing to ask the real questions that matter to Democratic voters, like:

General Clark, Senator Edwards got tangled up in the N.H. Debate about DOMA and whether he supported it, my question to you sir is, are you gay?

Congressman Kucinich, same question.

Senator Kerry, General Clark has made some comments to the effect that he outranks you and any well-trained monkey could become a lieutenant. Sir, do you think if we turned the cameras off and left you alone with the General for five minutes, you could soundly kick his four star arse?

Rev. Sharpton, if all the polls are to be believed, and we turn them upside down, you are the front runner in this contest. What do you think your opponents will start to attack you with, given that as a reverend, you are unlikely to have a scandolous past?

Governor Dean after the stunning loss in Iowa, pundits have wondered whether your campaign can stop the bleeding, as a trained medical doctor can you tell us the most effective ways to stop bleeding.

Senator Edwards, you are probably the most physically attractive of all the candidates, you are tall, boyish, have a bright smile and great hair, you also know how to dress. On the other hand, your wife is not attractive at all. How did the two of you end up together and who do the children look like?

Senator Kerry, same question in reverse.

Sen. Edwards, George Bush has quipped that he wouldn’t mind running against you because “what’s he going to do sue people who don’t vote for him?”
My question in two parts to you is 1) will you in fact sue people who don’t vote for you?
And 2) if Gore hired you instead of David Boise would he be President today?

Senator Kerry, Reagan’s administration once advocated replacing vegetables with ketchup, now that you are married to the ketchup heir, do you think the old guy was onto something?

Congressman…excuse me? Oh, Senator Lieberman, are you still in this race?
Seriously?
Um ok…well, Senator Lieberman, are you one of those lifelong democrats who became a Republican after 9/11?

Congressman Kucinich, there are those who think you may have bankrupted Cleveland. True or false.

Rev. Sharpton, I know you have thus far failed to get the endorsement of big name Democrats like Ted Kennedy, Al Gore or Charlie Rangel. Sir, do you think Tawana Brawley will endorse you?

General Clark, you converted to catholicism as an adult, given the recent controversy about whether the Pope endorsed Mel Gibson’s film about the passion or not, what would Jesus do?

Senator Lieberman, same question.

Governor Dean, could you say the following phrase for our audience: “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Rev. Sharpton, in N.H. you correctly pointed out that although your opponents vociferously advocate leaving gay marriage rights up to the individual states, they wouldn’t take that position with respect to equal rights for ethnic and racial minority citizens or with respect to women’s reproductive rights, my question to the rest of you is “Dude, Al Sharpton figured that one out, what the hell is wrong with the rest of you?”

Senator Edwards, now that Ashton Kutcher has endorsed you, will you get him to punk your opponents?

Congressman Kucinich, I really like your idea for free college, will you also provide free pizza and beer?

Senator Lieberman, you have pledged to put more than one woman on your shortlist for Vice-President options, would that be Paris or Nicole?

Senator Kerry, you have been accused of looking French, do you think that is a fair characterization, if so, do you think the American people are ready for a French looking commander-in-chief? If not, what do you think you look like? Turkish? Polish? Djiboutian?

Finally, all of you will have to make your way across 8 states by the beginning of February because Terry McCaullife decided to front-load the schedule. If you were left alone in a room with Terry, how hard would you hit him and with what objects. The question is to all of you.

107496580026249480

Saturday, January 24th, 2004 by Dawn Summers


Geez, and I thought Howard Dean had fallen far since Iowa.

MYSTERY SOLVED…SORT OF

Friday, January 23rd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

MYSTERY SOLVED…SORT OF

After her debut on the world stage in ‘The Simple Life,’ many onlookers wondered if Nicole Richie was really black. She asserted that both her mother and father were black and that she too is black.
Turns out Nicole is adopted!

Of course, since we already assumed her father was black, this new information doesn’t really help… unless her biological mother is not.

WHEN THE MAN’S RIGHT, THE MAN’S RIGHT

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

WHEN THE MAN’S RIGHT, THE MAN’S RIGHT

I stumbled into the Bleat today and was greeted with the following opening paragraph:

“Loud rumble overhead; the planes are taking off over the house tonight. . That was quite possibly the flight my wife was on. She’s been doing contract work for a firm, and they got hit with a document dump – so she’s off to another town for three days of peering over blurry photocopies in a windowless room. Such is the life of a lawyer. I wonder what people who watched “The Practice” or other such shows in high school will think a few years hence when they find themselves admitted to the bar – hey, where’s the smoldering hunky lawyers, the brilliant glib lawyers with a passionate sense of justice, the slinky stick-thin lawyers who sleep with every partner AND client AND the opposing counsel? What is this? And how come nothing has that dim, sultry, flattering light all the TV law offices have? And why am I at my desk at 10 PM singing a lullaby over to the phone to my child while eating microwaved Chinese? How did this happen?”

I wanted to become a lawyer because of the Cosby Show.
I loved that they owned a house, weren’t on welfare, dressed well, spoke well and were rich.
I figured if I was a doctor or a lawyer I could have that.
One mangled, er, dissected frog later — lawyer it was, and I never looked back.
Thankfully, the Cosby Show never delved deeply into Claire’s work. Sure, there was the occasional courtroom scene when she’s suing a shady mechanic to get her daughter’s money back or the “conferences in D.C.,” but nothing really so sexy that now I look back with bitterness.

But the legal shows on TV now are different. I think law schools are underwriting them to entice more and more kids to plunk down $100,000 either from the family coffers or by mortgaging their future, with the hope that they will be juggling murder cases and asylum applications, all the while stylishly dressed and living in polished quarters.
Not to mention all the clubbing, drinking and partying every night.
Man, I should have just become an archeologist, Indiana Jones and Lara Croft have so many exciting adventures.

MAN WITH CANCER, HEART DISEASE AND ALZHEIMER’S….

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

MAN WITH CANCER, HEART DISEASE AND ALZHEIMER’S….

Dies of a gunshot wound.

Damn.

YEAH, I’M AN INTERNET QUIZ ADDICT

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

YEAH, I’M AN INTERNET QUIZ ADDICT

Via Vessel of Honour.

I don’t even know who this guy is.

But at least I didn’t get Hitler again.

“We reject the false doctrine that the church could have permission to hand over the form
of its message and of its order to whatever it itself might wish or to the vicissitudes of the
prevailing ideological and political convictions of the day.”
You are Karl Barth!
You like your freedom, and are pretty stubborn against authority! You don’t
care much for other people’s opinions either. You can come up with your own fun, and
often enough you have too much fun. You are pretty popular because you let people have their
way, even when you have things figured out better than them.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

THAT’S ONE WAY TO LOWER TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

THAT’S ONE WAY TO LOWER TEENAGE PREGNANCY RATES

If there is anything more disturbing than an 11-year-old mother, it’s that the article says that her age is only a record low for the Ukraine… I shudder to think what Guiness’ record is.

As seen on South Park

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 by Dawn Summers

As seen on South Park

Baby born with undeveloped fetus head attached to her own.

Seriously.