DADDY DEAREST
DADDY DEAREST
About a month after September 11, 2001, Peggy Noonan wrote a piece heralding the return of the “man.” The piece is wonderfully written, here’s a bit:
” I was there in America, as a child, when John Wayne was a hero, and a symbol of American manliness. He was strong, and silent. And I was there in America when they killed John Wayne by a thousand cuts. A lot of people killed him–not only feminists but peaceniks, leftists, intellectuals, others. You could even say it was Woody Allen who did it, through laughter and an endearing admission of his own nervousness and fear. He made nervousness and fearfulness the admired style. He made not being able to deck the shark, but doing the funniest commentary on not decking the shark, seem . . . cool. “
Funny, right? Poignant. Yet, somehow I always felt something was missing. There’s a reason we killed that guy. He was incomplete. Great for the terrible moments, for the boogedy boogedy times, but where was he on an ordinary Wednesday afternoon? Could we turn to him for the simple needs of everyday life?
I’ve recently become enamored of reading the fatherly blogs: Lileks, King of Fools, et al. I especially love when they write about interactions with their little girls. Like here or this exchange between Lileks and the infamous Gnat. I love watching my friend play with his daughter in the park or walk down the street with her on his shoulders.
Now, it could be the curiousity of a daddy-less daughter.
My parents were high school sweethearts, who married young. They were married for 14 years before I was before I was born. My father, however, was a relentless philanderer but since she thought she couldn’t have kids, my mom tolerated his infidelity. A few months into her pregnancy, though, she told him that since they would be parents now — he would have to make a choice between being a cad or being a dad. He chose the former and she threw him out about seven weeks before I was born.
Thus, I have exactly three clear memories of my father.
1) It was October, and he came by to drop off a present for my tenth birthday. It was a battery-operated, Pac-man video game that looked exactly like the Pizzeria arcades, but was 1/16th the size. Of course, my birthday was in July and I was seven and he didn’t bring any batteries. His response: he peered down at me, said “seven? that’s it? huh. Well, I bet you’re as smart as any ten-year-old.” With my neck craned all the way back, so I could see him, my little face beamed with pride as I smiled in assent. “Woah, you’re a bit crossed-eyed, aren’t you? Boys aren’t going to like that.” He replied.
2) He came by four years later to ask my mom for ” a couple of dollars.” I’m guessing she said no, but it definitely ended with her belting him across the chest with my electric guitar. I remember hearing the guitar’s final chord as she shattered the neck against his skull with her second swing. (Sidenote: I asked my mom about this incident quite recently and she shrugged it off saying “Eh, what haven’t I hit your father with?” )
3) At 21 he called my dorm room to wish me congratulations on my college graduation. My roommate, looking very surprised said “Um, your father’s on the phone.” I thought she was referring to my newspaper editor who was calling about my overdue column (don’t ask) and I answered the phone saying “It’s almost done, give me an hour.” My father, confused, said “OK, I can call back in an hour” and hung up.
So, as spine-chillingly nobel as Noonan’s “strong, silent” man is, I’m glad he’s not all there is. Now we have touchy, feely daddies who let their daughters put their hair in ponytails and run around the house playing monster with their kid’s prekindergarten friends. I like the men who stay home with their children in their arms as they wave mommy off to work. Not to take anything away from the men who left home and family to go to burning buildings and war zones, never to return, but I am hopelessly fascinated by those who stayed home and held their kids close. Those who worried and teased and watched and loved. Years from now, those kids will know who their daddies were, they’ll know that he loved them. They’ll have a relationship with a man, not a medal or a shield or a dusty video game.
December 4th, 2003 at 4:50 pm
Very good (bad) story. Thanks for sharing. Men can be cads, I know, I am one. Hope you are successful at whatever you do.
December 4th, 2003 at 4:50 pm
Very good (bad) story. Thanks for sharing. Men can be cads, I know, I am one. Hope you are successful at whatever you do.
December 4th, 2003 at 4:50 pm
Very good (bad) story. Thanks for sharing. Men can be cads, I know, I am one. Hope you are successful at whatever you do.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:09 pm
Wow. I can’t believe your blog readers got all this out of you.
These ideas, both the strong, silent man and the mushy, lovey man are not real. People are a mix of all of these things. These are stereotypes, they can never be real. The man who will be the daddy to little Dawn should be a mix of these atributes. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:09 pm
Wow. I can’t believe your blog readers got all this out of you.
These ideas, both the strong, silent man and the mushy, lovey man are not real. People are a mix of all of these things. These are stereotypes, they can never be real. The man who will be the daddy to little Dawn should be a mix of these atributes. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:09 pm
Wow. I can’t believe your blog readers got all this out of you.
These ideas, both the strong, silent man and the mushy, lovey man are not real. People are a mix of all of these things. These are stereotypes, they can never be real. The man who will be the daddy to little Dawn should be a mix of these atributes. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:31 pm
Wyclef jean will be the daddy to little Dawn. or Chad Pennington. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:31 pm
Wyclef jean will be the daddy to little Dawn. or Chad Pennington. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 5:31 pm
Wyclef jean will be the daddy to little Dawn. or Chad Pennington. Just my opinion.
December 4th, 2003 at 6:06 pm
Wyclef? Guy. I don’t think he’s the particularly faithful sort. And anyway, I though Jesse L. Martin had a lock on your heart. I’ve never heard of Chad Pennington.
December 4th, 2003 at 6:06 pm
Wyclef? Guy. I don’t think he’s the particularly faithful sort. And anyway, I though Jesse L. Martin had a lock on your heart. I’ve never heard of Chad Pennington.
December 4th, 2003 at 6:06 pm
Wyclef? Guy. I don’t think he’s the particularly faithful sort. And anyway, I though Jesse L. Martin had a lock on your heart. I’ve never heard of Chad Pennington.
December 4th, 2003 at 8:38 pm
I started to respond but it got too long and political, so I’ll just post it at Rick’s.
December 4th, 2003 at 8:38 pm
I started to respond but it got too long and political, so I’ll just post it at Rick’s.
December 4th, 2003 at 8:38 pm
I started to respond but it got too long and political, so I’ll just post it at Rick’s.
December 4th, 2003 at 9:16 pm
Good post. I’m seeing the “new male ideal” in a lot of places, both in media and Real (Real) Life. My sister’s husband, macho heavy/dangerous equipment operator that he is, still seems as active in raising my nephews as she is. My first cousin is the same way. Considering my extended family lives in West Virginia, that’s about as good an indication as you’re going to get that the heartland buys the new image.
Thanks for helping promote it.
December 4th, 2003 at 9:16 pm
Good post. I’m seeing the “new male ideal” in a lot of places, both in media and Real (Real) Life. My sister’s husband, macho heavy/dangerous equipment operator that he is, still seems as active in raising my nephews as she is. My first cousin is the same way. Considering my extended family lives in West Virginia, that’s about as good an indication as you’re going to get that the heartland buys the new image.
Thanks for helping promote it.
December 4th, 2003 at 9:16 pm
Good post. I’m seeing the “new male ideal” in a lot of places, both in media and Real (Real) Life. My sister’s husband, macho heavy/dangerous equipment operator that he is, still seems as active in raising my nephews as she is. My first cousin is the same way. Considering my extended family lives in West Virginia, that’s about as good an indication as you’re going to get that the heartland buys the new image.
Thanks for helping promote it.
December 4th, 2003 at 9:47 pm
Oh, and go for Pennington. He did play college ball at Marshall University in West Virginia.
Go Herd!
December 4th, 2003 at 9:47 pm
Oh, and go for Pennington. He did play college ball at Marshall University in West Virginia.
Go Herd!
December 4th, 2003 at 9:47 pm
Oh, and go for Pennington. He did play college ball at Marshall University in West Virginia.
Go Herd!
December 4th, 2003 at 10:47 pm
One short comment:
Wouldn’t one prefer a husband who knew better than to swim with his wife in shark-infested waters in the first place to one who was willing to be eaten by the shark?
And, frankly, if there is any truth at all to the “story” Noonan refers to, the fact that the woman didn’t get eaten too is mere luck — that the shark was both alone and not that hungry.
OK, two.
December 4th, 2003 at 10:47 pm
One short comment:
Wouldn’t one prefer a husband who knew better than to swim with his wife in shark-infested waters in the first place to one who was willing to be eaten by the shark?
And, frankly, if there is any truth at all to the “story” Noonan refers to, the fact that the woman didn’t get eaten too is mere luck — that the shark was both alone and not that hungry.
OK, two.
December 4th, 2003 at 10:47 pm
One short comment:
Wouldn’t one prefer a husband who knew better than to swim with his wife in shark-infested waters in the first place to one who was willing to be eaten by the shark?
And, frankly, if there is any truth at all to the “story” Noonan refers to, the fact that the woman didn’t get eaten too is mere luck — that the shark was both alone and not that hungry.
OK, two.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:23 am
I’m straying here…Mark…I’m watching (15) Miami and (23) BG playing….where’s Marshall?
…but I do attend UToledo so it’s no fun for me either….it is very cool to see the MAC doing so well.
Don’t mean to take away from your post Dawn it was heartbreaking….seriously. I have no point of reference and thus have no understanding….I do have empathy which is small and often overused.
The glass is half full though…just look at what you’ve overcome.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:23 am
I’m straying here…Mark…I’m watching (15) Miami and (23) BG playing….where’s Marshall?
…but I do attend UToledo so it’s no fun for me either….it is very cool to see the MAC doing so well.
Don’t mean to take away from your post Dawn it was heartbreaking….seriously. I have no point of reference and thus have no understanding….I do have empathy which is small and often overused.
The glass is half full though…just look at what you’ve overcome.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:23 am
I’m straying here…Mark…I’m watching (15) Miami and (23) BG playing….where’s Marshall?
…but I do attend UToledo so it’s no fun for me either….it is very cool to see the MAC doing so well.
Don’t mean to take away from your post Dawn it was heartbreaking….seriously. I have no point of reference and thus have no understanding….I do have empathy which is small and often overused.
The glass is half full though…just look at what you’ve overcome.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:16 am
By the way, after rereading this post for the 10th time today (I really like it), I just thought it was important to note that Dawn is not at all cross-eyed (because I think it comes across that she is and her dad was being mean), not that there’s anything wrong with that.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:16 am
By the way, after rereading this post for the 10th time today (I really like it), I just thought it was important to note that Dawn is not at all cross-eyed (because I think it comes across that she is and her dad was being mean), not that there’s anything wrong with that.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:16 am
By the way, after rereading this post for the 10th time today (I really like it), I just thought it was important to note that Dawn is not at all cross-eyed (because I think it comes across that she is and her dad was being mean), not that there’s anything wrong with that.
December 5th, 2003 at 12:21 pm
The psychology (or could it be reason) of women that stay with husbands/boyfriends that abuse or act contrary to the most basic principles of family coherence and development has always puzzled me. That after that length of time your mother had the courage and foresight to know being without him would likely be better than having him leave later or cause massive disruptions or distractive influences is heartening.
As an only child, we left my father when I was in 8th grade, after my mother had an accident and he refused to support her through a series of operations and pain treatments. When I was in 10th grade we got back together again in a new house, which I loved, but it was essentially a material false hope. When I was in college he left us both letters when he went off and married another woman. We found out he had been cheating for most all of my childhood. Since then has dumped his second wife and now left a new girlfriend. But being in his 60s he is running out of time, and
December 5th, 2003 at 12:21 pm
The psychology (or could it be reason) of women that stay with husbands/boyfriends that abuse or act contrary to the most basic principles of family coherence and development has always puzzled me. That after that length of time your mother had the courage and foresight to know being without him would likely be better than having him leave later or cause massive disruptions or distractive influences is heartening.
As an only child, we left my father when I was in 8th grade, after my mother had an accident and he refused to support her through a series of operations and pain treatments. When I was in 10th grade we got back together again in a new house, which I loved, but it was essentially a material false hope. When I was in college he left us both letters when he went off and married another woman. We found out he had been cheating for most all of my childhood. Since then has dumped his second wife and now left a new girlfriend. But being in his 60s he is running out of time, and
December 5th, 2003 at 12:21 pm
The psychology (or could it be reason) of women that stay with husbands/boyfriends that abuse or act contrary to the most basic principles of family coherence and development has always puzzled me. That after that length of time your mother had the courage and foresight to know being without him would likely be better than having him leave later or cause massive disruptions or distractive influences is heartening.
As an only child, we left my father when I was in 8th grade, after my mother had an accident and he refused to support her through a series of operations and pain treatments. When I was in 10th grade we got back together again in a new house, which I loved, but it was essentially a material false hope. When I was in college he left us both letters when he went off and married another woman. We found out he had been cheating for most all of my childhood. Since then has dumped his second wife and now left a new girlfriend. But being in his 60s he is running out of time, and
December 5th, 2003 at 12:24 pm
Too long by a line for your comments, so I will try posting with Kashei
December 5th, 2003 at 12:24 pm
Too long by a line for your comments, so I will try posting with Kashei
December 5th, 2003 at 12:24 pm
Too long by a line for your comments, so I will try posting with Kashei
December 5th, 2003 at 3:30 pm
It’s weird, I’ve gotten a lot of sympathetic comments — and I very much appreciate the kind words — but I’ve never thought of myself as deprived or abandoned in anyway. As an only child, my mother paid a lot of attention to me — I pretty much got whatever I wanted, was very involved in lots of activities and had pictures of myself all over the place. I grew up very loved- if not spoiled!
In fact, the other day, Kashei was sitting in Starbucks and said ‘man, they were handing out free samples and I missed it,’ and I think that sums up my feelings about my father — it would have been cool to have someone else there doting on me, but ‘missing it’ wasn’t the end of my world.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:30 pm
It’s weird, I’ve gotten a lot of sympathetic comments — and I very much appreciate the kind words — but I’ve never thought of myself as deprived or abandoned in anyway. As an only child, my mother paid a lot of attention to me — I pretty much got whatever I wanted, was very involved in lots of activities and had pictures of myself all over the place. I grew up very loved- if not spoiled!
In fact, the other day, Kashei was sitting in Starbucks and said ‘man, they were handing out free samples and I missed it,’ and I think that sums up my feelings about my father — it would have been cool to have someone else there doting on me, but ‘missing it’ wasn’t the end of my world.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:30 pm
It’s weird, I’ve gotten a lot of sympathetic comments — and I very much appreciate the kind words — but I’ve never thought of myself as deprived or abandoned in anyway. As an only child, my mother paid a lot of attention to me — I pretty much got whatever I wanted, was very involved in lots of activities and had pictures of myself all over the place. I grew up very loved- if not spoiled!
In fact, the other day, Kashei was sitting in Starbucks and said ‘man, they were handing out free samples and I missed it,’ and I think that sums up my feelings about my father — it would have been cool to have someone else there doting on me, but ‘missing it’ wasn’t the end of my world.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:32 pm
As for my eyes, I am accurately, “a bit cross-eyed,” but you’ve got to be looking at them very closely to notice.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:32 pm
As for my eyes, I am accurately, “a bit cross-eyed,” but you’ve got to be looking at them very closely to notice.
December 5th, 2003 at 3:32 pm
As for my eyes, I am accurately, “a bit cross-eyed,” but you’ve got to be looking at them very closely to notice.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:30 pm
Are you crazy? You are not at all cross-eyed. You have perfect eyes. Seriously, crackhead, you have flawed politics but your eyes are fine.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:30 pm
Are you crazy? You are not at all cross-eyed. You have perfect eyes. Seriously, crackhead, you have flawed politics but your eyes are fine.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:30 pm
Are you crazy? You are not at all cross-eyed. You have perfect eyes. Seriously, crackhead, you have flawed politics but your eyes are fine.
December 5th, 2003 at 4:58 pm
I almost get eaten to death today, and this is what you focus on?
December 5th, 2003 at 4:58 pm
I almost get eaten to death today, and this is what you focus on?
December 5th, 2003 at 4:58 pm
I almost get eaten to death today, and this is what you focus on?
December 5th, 2003 at 5:30 pm
At least she can focus! %-)
December 5th, 2003 at 5:30 pm
At least she can focus! %-)
December 5th, 2003 at 5:30 pm
At least she can focus! %-)
December 5th, 2003 at 9:19 pm
hey!
almost killed girl here.
December 5th, 2003 at 9:19 pm
hey!
almost killed girl here.
December 5th, 2003 at 9:19 pm
hey!
almost killed girl here.
December 9th, 2003 at 6:50 pm
I feel like I know too much about you now.
December 9th, 2003 at 6:50 pm
I feel like I know too much about you now.
December 9th, 2003 at 6:50 pm
I feel like I know too much about you now.
December 9th, 2003 at 8:59 pm
Hmmm…now I feel like I have to kill you.
December 9th, 2003 at 8:59 pm
Hmmm…now I feel like I have to kill you.
December 9th, 2003 at 8:59 pm
Hmmm…now I feel like I have to kill you.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:26 am
I know I left several comments on this when it was written but since I came across it again and most of the comments are gone, I just want to say: sometimes dads don’t go anywhere and still end up being jerks. It’s the luck of the draw.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:26 am
I know I left several comments on this when it was written but since I came across it again and most of the comments are gone, I just want to say: sometimes dads don’t go anywhere and still end up being jerks. It’s the luck of the draw.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:26 am
I know I left several comments on this when it was written but since I came across it again and most of the comments are gone, I just want to say: sometimes dads don’t go anywhere and still end up being jerks. It’s the luck of the draw.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:27 am
Oh and I think back then I protested that you aren’t cross-eyed. I still maintain you aren’t.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:27 am
Oh and I think back then I protested that you aren’t cross-eyed. I still maintain you aren’t.
April 5th, 2004 at 12:27 am
Oh and I think back then I protested that you aren’t cross-eyed. I still maintain you aren’t.
April 5th, 2004 at 10:10 pm
where did the comments go? where are the comments?
April 5th, 2004 at 10:10 pm
where did the comments go? where are the comments?
April 5th, 2004 at 10:10 pm
where did the comments go? where are the comments?
September 23rd, 2004 at 10:51 am
Very beautifully written. Made me catch my breath.
Cheers
September 23rd, 2004 at 10:51 am
Very beautifully written. Made me catch my breath.
Cheers
September 23rd, 2004 at 10:51 am
Very beautifully written. Made me catch my breath.
Cheers