Passenger – The Wrong Direction – Official video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvRVu78IHHo&sns=tw
…the rooting tootingiest slack blogger!
The legendary Maya Angelou died this morning, watching TV alone. So much of her work has touched my life at various stages that it was hard to choose one to feature, or easy, I guess, since I can’t get it wrong.
Welcoming Bluebeards to our darkening closets,
Stranglers to our outstretched necks,
Stranglers, who neither care nor
care to know that
DEATH IS INTERNAL.
Savoring sweet the teethed lies,
Bellying the grounds before alien gods,
Gods, who neither know nor
wish to know that
HELL IS INTERNAL.
Rubbing the nakednesses with gloved hands,
Inverting our mouths in tongued kisses,
Kisses that neither touch nor
care to touch if
LOVE IS INTERNAL.
Mother May I?
Why do I give you guys this stuff for FREE?
So, my peoples what’s new? What’s happening? Your hockey team crapping out in the Stanley Cup Playoff? Yeah, mine too. It sucks. I’m also losing in the Stephane/Vinny hockey pool heads up match. Which, since I never lose to that fool heads up, leads me to believe hockey and all things hockey are racist. Let us never speak of them again.
Not much else is going on here, except I watched some movies, wanna hear about them? Here it goes:
Well, one month after declaring myself too old for high school movies, I found myself streaming this little chestnut on Netflix. Um. This movie is awful. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. So, this movie has been heralded through the ages for what, exactly? Ooh, Tina Fey writing it? Good for her. It’s not a good movie for girls — wow, does this movie HATE girls. It’s not a good movie for gay kids (why is the gay guy in the girls only gym meeting?) It’s not a good movie for racial or ethnic minorities (She lived in “Africa” — you know, someplace savage like that to prepare her for savagery of High School. See? aren’t we clever! let’s insert tigers taking down zebras for emphasis.) Eye. Motherfucking. Roll. This movie is bullshit on a sandwich.
Mean Girls 2
Much better than the original, if only because it involves a football game, but still wretched. It’s basically set at the same high school ten years later with different kids. The stereotypes are less offensive.
I feel like I did see this movie a billion years ago, but I didn’t really remember it. Basically, serial killers start offing the popular kids at school. One of them has a change of heart and kills the other one. I would prefer if the movie was just the dark imaginings of Winona Ryder because, otherwise, wow, the police are dumb as hell. But it’s unclear. It’s okay.
I have no idea why I rented this movie set in the 1970s about a washed up country singer who gets a job at a gas station and ends up marrying the widow owner and becoming a stepfather to her 8-year-old son. It’s not good.
This movie is almost the perfect film. Nothing explodes — but it’s got Zac Efron, it’s well written and tugs on all the nostalgia strings. I highly recommend it — you think it’s gonna be all cliched and gross, but then it’s not. It’ll make you want to call up your favorite teacher and tell them thanks. Unless, you hate phones.
I actually thought this flick about a man finding out his sperm donations have fathered more than 500 children worked. Vince Vaughn plays the lead, a slacker who works in the family meat shop who is forced to grow up quickly because his girlfriend is pregnant (
Robin from How I Met Your Mother — she and that whole relationship, are the weakest parts of the movie.) Basically, he finds out the news, then tracks down the kids one by one and tries to help their lives anonymously.
This movie about the Beltway snipers is eery. The movie concentrates on Lee malvo’s relationship with John Muhammed before they start out on the spree. It’s super creepy. I think it’s good, but creepy.
Saving Mr. Banks
This movie about the making of Mary Poppins is awful. It’s super misogynistic, though that may be a product of the time, but not cool. Ugh. Tom Hanks as Disney is fine, but they make the creator of Mary Poppins so unreasonable and unlikable that you are just angry and uncomfortable through the whole thing. And heck, that may be how the lady really was, but guess what, then don’t make a movie about her.
Ain’t Them Bodies Saints
I have no idea what this title is on about, but the movie is pretty good. It’s about a Bonnie and Clyde-ish couple that gets in a shoot out with the cops, but since the chick is pregnant, the man gives himself up and takes the rap for the all the crimes. Then the cop she shot falls in love with her and wants to marry her and father the kid, but the convict dad is all “I’m coming back for you both,” and then he breaks out of jail. Dun dun dun.
Kill Your Darlings
Booooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I will never be here for the romanticization of real life murderers — especially when they’re ivy league educated, white male murderers and druggies. FUUUUCCCKKKKK TTTHHHEEEEEMMMMM. Oh, this movie is about Burroughs and the On the Road guy and Allen Ginsberg and how they murdered/helped cover up the murder of this gay guy. Of course, nothing happens to them and they go on to have successful publishing careers. I repeat, fuuuuuccccckkkk ttthhhhheeeeeemmmmmm.
I’ve been writing monthly movie reviews for too long, I’m literally cycling through old titles now…but here we go!
This movie is a modern day update of the Pride and Prejudice story. Homely spinster (eyeroll) Kerri Russell is all thirty and unmarried, so she spends her life savings to go to “Austenland,” a live action reenactment of Jane Austen’s ubiquitous love story. It’s okay.
Um… the lady from the Bates Motel TV show and Andy Garcia are polar opposites taking their teens on a campus visit to Middleton. She drives him crazy with her interrupting and he makes her nuts with his uptightness! Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Meh. It’s okay.
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Um… that guy from the Office and Steve Buscemi are partners in a Las Vegas magic show, but after ten years together, and a hot new magic act, Jim Carrey, breathing down their necks, they try to shake things up, but it all falls apart and James Gandolfini fires them. It’s okay.
For a Good Time, Call
UGH. I have this “no live action movie under 90 minutes is any good” rule. This piece of garbage is 84 minutes. It’s hot garbage. Two women — one a bootleg Bette Midler– start a sex hotline together. Are there even still sex hotlines out there? So DUMB.
Save the Date
Hmm…I cannot remember what this movie is about…OH. Two sisters are planning the older sister’s wedding. She is uptight, younger sister is flighty. Hinjinks, as they say, ensue. It was good.
This movie is about a handicapped man hiring a sex counselor to teach him how to have sex even though he’s paralyzed from the neck down. I have no idea why I rented this, but I did…and I watched it and it was exactly what it said it would be. His confidante through the whole process is a roman catholic priest, so I didn’t like that, as, well…I don’t think a roman catholic priest would do such a thing.
Um… I don’t know why crack is making this big comeback in stories about middle class white people, but here we are. This movie is about a young couple who go out and get loaded every night, but when the woman half of the couple yarfs in front of her kindergarten class and has to fake being pregnant to explain away her party foul, she decides to go to AA and clean up her act. Also, she smokes crack.
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
I didn’t learn much about apartheid or Nelson Mandela from this movie– which is odd considering it’s asposed to be about Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom from *apartheid.* I was fascinated, though, by the character of Winnie Mandela. First off, she is portrayed as an aggressor, both in the courtship AND in the “struggle.” Also, the make up people do not age her *at all* until the very last scene after Nelson has left her. I think we’re supposed to ”
feel sorry for her” but I mostly felt ashamed of the men around her who couldn’t support her. I don’t know the real life story of how she ended up jailed for corruption and whatnot, but I’m suddenly much more interested in the “Winnie Mandela: Long Walk to Vilification” story.
I’ve seen this movie like ten times (and I saw the off broadway show when I was a kid.) I love it. Everyone should see it. I learn new things about apartheid every time I watch it. Great movie. PLUS: SINGING AND DANCING!
I watched the original, with the former Governor of California, a couple of years ago (oh, not with him, starring him. I have never met the former Governor, nor been alone with him, I won’t be taking any more questions, this press conference is OVER.) and I fell asleep. I don’t know why I rented the remake cause I also fell asleep during it. Total Recall is just a boring premise for a movie.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I think I’m officially too old for these “coming of age” movies about tortured high schoolers. Oh, no one will sit with me in the lunchroom, ehrmagosh my paper is like totally due TOMORROW, AAHH THE SATs. Eyeroll. I’m sorry, I don’t care. Lawn comma get off of my.
The Kings of Summer
Eh. Three boys decide to run away from home and build a house for themselves in the woods. Then a girl comes between them and ruins everything. Chicks are the worst, amirite? Yawn.
Two boys run away from home and find a boat in a tree and then discover a convict has been hiding out in it. So, OF COURSE, they decide to help him. Double Yawn. Hmmm… all these horrible movies are about white boys. Why is that? Why are white boys always running away and why is Hollywood always writing movies about sad lonely white American boys and how hard life is for them? TUH. Lemmee go rewatch Sarafina.
There was a whole discussion in my comments section and I TOTALLY missed it, so now I’m going to write a post about it.
House of Cards. Hmmm I binge watched both seasons on Valentine’s Day weekend on consecutive years.
Oh wait… I guess I don’t want to spoiler anything. So I’ll move my thoughts to the comment section.
Someone on twitter linked to this poem. I really like it. So cute, simple, yet evocative. Poems like this make me think I can write poetry, but then I try and welp…
If the ocean had a mouth
by Marie-Elizabeth Mali
I’d lean close, my ear
to her whisper and roar,
her tongue scattered
She’d belt her brassy voice
over the waves’ backbeat.
No one sings better than her.
Would she ever bite
the inside of her cheek?
Would she yell at the moon
to quit tugging at her hem,
or would she whistle, drop
her blue dress and shimmy
through space to cleave
to that shimmer?
What did she mean to say
that morning she spit out
the emaciated whale
wearing a net for a corset?
All this emptying
on the sand. Eyeless
shrimp. Oiled pelicans.
Within her jaws the coral forests,
glittering fish, waves like teeth,
her hungry mortal brine.
So weird, I thought I watched a ton of movies this month, but evidently, I just watched lots of House of Cards and Bunheads and Futuramas. Anyway, here goes.?
30 for 30: Price of Gold This is a rehashing of the Nancy Kerrigan knee capping. Nancy Kerrigan herself did not sit for an interview, but her husband (who was also her old manager… SKETCH-EEE) did. However, Tonya Harding gives extensive interviews and the movie delves into her “hard life” (waaa, her mother hit her with a hairbrush one time) and she comes off really sympathetically. However, I watched another recent documentary about the incident. NBC aired one after the Olympics and Nancy Kerrigan was interviewed and whoa, Tonya Harding comes off as a psychopath and undid all the good that this 30 for 30 did.
Blue is the Warmest Color WHOA. So much naked. So so very much naked. All the naked. My eyes. Um. Where was I? It’s about a high school senior in France figuring out her sexuality through naked. It’s rated NC-17, which I didn’t find out till after, when I was just like, how is Netflix running pornography now? The movie is also in French, so you can’t even look away like the nice Catholic prude you were raised to be. However, if much naked women is your bag. You’re welcome. Don’t say I never did nothing for you.
Rush This movie is about a (real life, I guess, I meant to google, but forgot) race car driver rivalry. It’s great. I hate those rivalry movies where you are clearly supposed to root for one particular guy over the other (like Amadeus) this is much more balanced. And the movie made race car driving seem interesting!
The Spectacular Now Um… this movie is about high school seniors. Popular guy woos awkward comic book nerd girl after popular cheerleader dumps him. It sounds cliche, but they do it in a different enough way that it’s not boring. It’s not great either though. I give it two and a half Mellencamps.
Mr Nobody This movie was so long. Oh God. Why would it not end? Like, I felt there was some technology at play where they kept filming and adding on to the movie *as* I was watching it. This is three, maybe four movies, in one and that is just too much. Plus, they kick you straight in the nards at the end with the whole “none of this is real.” Complete with cackling laughter.
Red 2 This movie is cute and fun. Lots of shooting and explosions and “twists” (sure, you see them coming a mile away, but you pretend you don’t!) The exact right people die, *slow claps* Brava!
All is Lost O_o This is two hours of Robert Redford sailing. In the first minute, he awakes to discover his boat has taken on a lot of water, he is alone and ALL his radio equipment is destroyed by water. O_o So for two hours, he tries to survive. Oh, there is almost no speaking. Which, as I sat in my living room watching this movie alone, cursing and mocking it nonstop, struck me as hilarious. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t talk. In fact, the silence seemed so forced — he doesn’t say “crap, I forgot the bag” or “Arrrgh, damn you Neptune!” and then shakes his fist? Boo. What? Is that weird? Are you not supposed to curse Neptune aloud when you’re alone on a sinking ship?
Running Scared Um. When Paul Walker died, everyone said this was his best movie ever, so I rented it. Those people are liars. Fast and Furious six was his best movie ever and I could have saved myself the month of waiting for Running Scared to become available and the three hours of bizarro chase scenes. Blargh. It was okay, I suppose. But twas no Fast and Furious six.
Machete Kills Mindless fun. Delivers on its title right away. Two machetes up! Looking forward to the next installment: Machete Kills in Space! I’m not kidding.
I’ve Loved You So Long Another french movie. And, a French movie I think I’ve seen before. It’s about a former doctor who kills her son, goes to prison and then has to live with the little sister she left behind before serving her fifteen year sentence. It’s good. I didn’t need to see it twice. But, obviously, it wasn’t memorable enough for me not to rent it again, but the synopsis is good enough to get you to rent it twice. Or something.
Enough Said I believe this was James Gandolfini’s last movie. I hereby declare it his best. Also, the Seinfeld woman’s best too. It’s about middle aged people dating. So awkward, yet very well done.
St. Trinian’s Two I love David Tennant. I will see anything if David Tennant is in it. David Tennant is in this. It’s very silly, but eh, I’ve got nothing else going on.
Elephant It’s basically a Columbine scenario movie. But shot all weirdly, from different perspectives and in a weird timeline. Eh, it’s not good.
Last Days From the same guy who did Elephant. I think it’s loosely based on Curt Kobain’s last days. Also, not good.
The Hunger Games
I rewatched this movie because it’s been a year since I’ve seen it and two years since I read the books. It holds up. It’s a good movie, much better than…
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
This flick was okay, I guess. I’m not a fan of movies without endings –obviously, I know that when you’re dealing with the middle of a trilogy, that’s what you’re going to get. Ugh, and then I 1. just found out they’re splitting Mockingjay into two films AND 2. I read it in the article about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death (he plays(played?) a key figure in the Quarter Quell games.) So, who knows WHAT’s going to happen now. Uh… I mean, condolences to his family. *whistles*
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
These movies are terrible. The Hobbit was terrible and I don’t just mean the desperate cries for an editor that drowns out the horrific dwarf singing, the “plots” are awful, the ridiculous saves for the stupid elves or hobbits or whatever the hell always swoops in to save them are terrible. Terrible Terrible terrible. I don’t know why I even watched this stupid movie, but I’m going to sum up my review with a line from the horrible film itself: I’m done with dwarves. Go away.
Inside Llewyn Davis
OMG. So, you know how the “open letter” has become the favored literary device of awful internet magazine writers everywhere? Inside Llewyn Davis is so fucking depressing, it’s basically an open suicide note. From the music, to the depressive lead character to the screeching supporting cast — the worst part is that it is seductively depressing. You like Llewyn Davis AND the people who hate Llewyn Davis — anytime the movie introduces optimistic or supportive characters you want to kick them in the nuts and make them eat their fucking cereal bowls. Uh… hypothetically. And since, as is well recorded in this blog, I fucking hate the Coen Brothers (and the rest of their family probably) trust me when I say this movie is great.
Mmmm… I read a lot of positive reviews of this movie. A LOT. AND I love what’s her face, Idina Menzel, so I was very excited for this movie. It was supposed to be super girl power-y and a new model for a Disney princess yadayadayada. And the soundtrack outsold the Beyonce itunes album for weeks and weeks. Anyway, you get the picture, my expectations were sky high. My disappointment, directly proportional to that. Booo. I actually booed. There’s like TWO good songs. The plot? Dumb dumb dumb. The resolution? Even dumber. Blargh. Kids will probably like it though. There are cool visual stunts with ice. It’ll win the cartoon Oscar.
Dallas Buyers Club
Jared Leto was amazing as a transvestite gay guy dying of AIDS. He should win the Oscar in his category. Um… this movie was good. It held my attention. The lead character — a shady dude blindsided by an AIDS diagnosis who decides to get drugs from Mexico as an alternative to AZT and then he turns it into a business of selling them to other desperate AIDS patients. He has to stay one step ahead of the FDA and the AIDS doctors. Jennifer Garner is terrible in this — and I usually like her. I don’t think Matthew Ma…umm…mumbles…gh…n…there’s a u…. anyhoo, he shouldn’t win the Oscar for losing weight and being less annoying than he usually is in movies. Cause he was still plenty annoying.
Can you spoiler a based on a true story movie? My apologies if you can, but I think it’s important to my review. At the end, the head pirate guy is arrested and read his rights on a ship. Captain Phillips is also brought aboard the same ship and sent to sick bay where his wounds are tended to. If this were a *REAL* action movie, the pirate would have grabbed hold of a gun, killed the arresting marines, Phillips would have heard the scuffle, jumped down from the exam table, gotten a weapon and chased the pirate to the upper deck of the ship, cornered the pirate and then said something like “I’m tired of these motherfucking pirates on these motherfucking ships!” Or “Get off my boat!” And then shot him.
But this was not a real action movie. It was a real…er…action movie. I liked it, but I did spend a lot of time imagining a more Hollywood version of it starring Jason Statham. I’m glad the pirate guy got a nomination, but I hated the lines that were clearly designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel sorry for the poor hard lives of the Somali people. *Eyeroll* GET OFF OF MY BOAT!
August: Osage County
Listen. Meryl Streep is the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streeping. She Meryl Streeps the shit out of this movie. If she doesn’t win the Meryl Streep award where she is Meryl Streeping with cancer, I will… um… be very surprised. The movie is about a bunch of dysfunctional women in a family and the poor hapless men they yell at. I didn’t hate Julia Roberts as much as other people seemed to in reviews I read. But it’s very hard not being Meryl Streep.
Thor: Dark World
Yawn. I’ve about had it up to here *insert hand about neck level* with the MARVEL universe. The plot holes and contrivances in this movie are embarrassing. But that one guy is shirtless a bunch. So…you know. You’ll endure.
This movie terrible. I kind of want to lump this review with the review for
The Wolf of Wall Street
Both these movies have been made over and over again with the actors and ingenues of the moment. American Hustle follows the script of the heavily costumed/wigged trope of a heist of some kind with a double reverse switch of allegiance. And Wolf of Wall street is the well worn path of the con man who believes his own con even as the straight laced cop figure is bearing down. Yawn yawn yawn. Jaysus. How are there no other stories? With other kinds of people. And how is it these same stories keep getting nominated for Oscars when movies like
…which was the best fucking movie I’ve seen in a long time, gets nominated for nothing. This tells the –sorta– story of Oscar Grant who was shot in the back by police, while handcuffed and face down on a BART platform in San Francisco. The movie does sanctify him in ways that made me roll my eyes (he hugs the body of a dying stray dog after its been hit and I added “wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy” and desperate mouth to mouth CPRing to the scene in my head and laughed) but it was such a well done, bare bones movie that told a tragic yet important story that, ugh, seriously, fuck the Oscars with razor blades for not recognizing it or Michael Jordan or the mom — who won an Oscar for the gorram help. UGH! I hate everything.
Blech. This movie was dumb. It’s about a guy who falls in love with his Operating System — AND, hold the phones, HIS OPERATING SYSTEM LOVES HIM TOO! EYE Roll. I guess I won’t say what happens next, but booo. Skip this stoopid stooopid movie. Go watch Fruitvale Station.
The Lone Ranger
Okay, I am not cool with Johnny Depp playing a Native American character. NOT. Like I am unable to can with that casting. However, *insert hanging head and downcast eyes* I actually ended up liking this movie. I know, I suck. I kept hoping they were going to explain that the tribe found this lost little white boy and took him in and he suffered this great trauma and now he doesn’t remember that he was white… I DUNNO something. But there you have it. Apparently I like redface movies. Sigh. I’m the worst.
Elana told me to see this movie after I said that “No laws for one day” movie was a terrible waste of a premise. You’re next was equally bad, if not slightly worse. Um…actually, a lot worse. Because the premise was dumb too. Like I don’t even get what the plan was or why it was executed in this way. Dumb. File this under empty torture pr0n.
This movie was okay. I don’t really remember the first Kick-Ass and I couldn’t find it streaming anywhere, so I don’t know if the sequel hurts the first one or if it’s a good continuation of the story. But as a stand a lone hero movie, this was fine.
This movie was great. It’s about two sisters, both adopted and how their lives go in two completely different directions, one marries a corporate tycoon and the other marries a blue collar dude, but they both end up sharing a small San Francisco apartment after various misfortunes. The kids are miscast, I think. But I like all the other casting and I like the way the story unfolds. The end is a bit contrived, but overall, thumbs up.
Lee Daniels’ The Butler
Are there tons of “The Butler”s out there that Lee Daniels needed to make sure you knew this one was his? And frankly, this movie sucked pretty hard, so if I were him, I’d try to get it lost in the shuffle so I’d maybe get credit for one of the other ones, none could be worse than this tripe. (Off topic, my mom tried to feed me tripe — the digusting dish of cow’s stomach or sumshit when I was a kid and being the precocious reader that I was, I defiantly asserted: I’m not eating that tripe. LITERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY! Yep, folks, I’ve always been awesome.) Anyway, this movie is a pot of disgusting cow intestines. Skip it. (Though, I did like Oprah’s portrayal of the alcoholic trollop wife.)
Despicable Me 2
This movie was dumb. Another unnecessary sequel. Eyeroll.
Read the whole thing… what? of course there’s more.